Tag: #connect

Letting go…

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I sat there in my blue hospital gowns and pants, waiting. Listening to their conversation and trying to think positive thoughts. It’s been almost 3 years since I started working from home. I’m aware now that the “office small talk” is something I no longer have. I don’t hear about people’s lives and what’s going on. I don’t hear about weekend plans or what’s happening with office dynamics. I used to have best friends that I worked with, but that was years ago. When I was promoted to be a supervisor, many of those friendships ended… they all changed. It left me guarded, hesitant to open up. Eventually I became friends with coworkers again when I stepped back from managing people. But then I moved. I let go of the comfort of familiar friends and departed into unfamiliar territory.

For some reason, I’m still guarded. I assume it’s a “self preservation” tactic… guarding my heart from potential heart break. It also means I’m missing out. Missing out on connections and deeper friendships. I waiver back and forth between being ok with a small inner circle and feeling like I wish I had a large group of friends to do things with. I do have close friends, but I don’t have that big group… the “let’s go do something all together” type group. I don’t know what is right or better. It’s different for everyone. When one of my closest friends pulled away from me, I went through a grieving process. I felt like a puppy, wondering what I did wrong. I still long for those days when I can text or pick up the phone at any time, but I can’t. It’s different. Our paths diverged and I just wasn’t ready for it. I closed up more, put up another layer of walls, even though I know I shouldn’t. I need to let go of the “should’ve done” and stop reliving what I think I should have done differently.

Things at work have changed a lot over the last 6 months. I still have my job, which is great. I’m not sure where my writing will take me, as it has to be a night and weekend kind of thing. It’s still a constant struggle of feeling good enough. If I spend all this time writing, would anyone buy the book? If I try to write copy part time, will I get enough clients? I’m still learning to let go. I’m still trying to build up the confidence that I know lives deep inside. Maybe because it’s not a “one and done” event… it’s a constant evolution.

Why was I in hospital gowns? Routine MRI. Still makes me pause. Reminds me to be thankful for all of my years cancer free. Gives me 45 minutes with just my thoughts and a really loud MRI machine with an IV in my arm and my chest through a hole in the table. I can’t run from my thoughts or get distracted with a pile of clothes to fold. I’m letting go of fears… acknowledging them but releasing them. They don’t serve me well.

What do you need to let go of? Emotional? Physical things? Expectations? Fears? The past? Give yourself some grace and some space as you work though it. I’ll be there too.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. You’ve got this, you can do it.

Parallels of gardens & life…

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Our yellow peonies were moved from Kindred to Argusville to Oakes to Carlos. They are thriving on the south side of our house. (The pine needles are another story!) they started to bloom last week. Sometimes the move shocked them a little and it took a while to bounce back. Other times they thrived and grew beautifully, always reminding me of home.

Onions. Freshly weeded & compost added

These are the onions in our garden. My husband weeded them and carefully added compost. They have drip irrigation in between the 2 rows. It has been much needed after a late spring and a hot start to summer.

Potatoes, newly hilled

These are our potatoes. They also have drip irrigation and have been newly hilled. Potato beetles have started to show up and will need some attention.

The rest of the garden, minus carrots

The rest of our garden is zucchini, peas, tomatoes & peppers, peas, peas, cucumbers, beets and beans are up front. Raspberries are on the side and chokecherries in the back. (Not pictured is rhubarb & asparagus). These rows have either straw, cardboard & grass, or burlap sacks down the walking rows. It helps reduce weeds. It’s also irrigated. There is a fence for the peas, and will be for the tomatoes & cucumbers also. The pallet “tents” have squash on each side. It will grow up and over.

18 Irish Spring

18 Irish Spring used to help keep the bunnies from eating the peas and cucumbers. I guess the cat has not scared them away yet. Either the bunnies will be deterred, or my garden will smell like a fresh bath.

Why am I showing you my garden and plants? I think we are similar. We may bloom where we are planted, but sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes we need some help from a caretaker who isn’t afraid of getting dirty or pulling thistles. We learn over time what we need to thrive. We need help from each other to grow and flourish. Just as our plants need sunlight and water, we too need to spend time outside and be sure we are hydrated. Tonight, the bees were busy in the raspberries, helping to make sure we have a great berry crop.

Gardening is a lot of work, but the rewards of fresh produce are great. We are able to be nourished by something we tended to and cared for. We get to share that with others also. There are circumstances beyond our control, such has heat, rain/lack of rain, storms or pests. We do the best to manage what we can. There are just so many parallels with life, raising a family, and the cycles we go through. Sometimes we bloom and thrive, and sometimes we just need a little help.

Wherever you are on your journey in life, you are enough. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Today is World Cancer Awareness Day. I’m an 8 year cancer survivor, and asking for help was one of the biggest things I learned through that struggle. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Looking forward to a great harvest!

Signs…

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If you know me personally, you may know that I believe in signs. Signs from the universe, signs from God, signs from angels, signs from our passed loved ones… I believe they show up to guide us. We just aren’t always looking.

Cardinals are often associated with signs from loved ones. They also like pine trees. Since we are surrounded by a hundred or so, we see a pair of cardinals every year. This year, they decided to nest right in the tree/bush right by our front window (I’m not sure what it is- it’s either a cedar or an arborvitae). I noticed them flying back and forth and when I looked last week, there were 4 eggs. This week, two have hatched. I like to listen to the momma bird as she chirps and chatters. New baby birds are pretty ugly, but it will be interesting to see these little ones turn into beautiful red birds.

What a blessing to be a host to 4 more “signs” to guide someone else. This week has been busy with work, gardening and track meets. I started three different blog posts and never got around to publishing. Then these little ones started hatching. I took it as a sign that they wanted the attention and to be a vehicle to remind others to look. Look for the signs. When you start paying attention, you will see more than you realize. Every trip we go on, we find pennies or dimes (my grandparents and aunt) and even quarters (my mother-in-law wanted to be unique so we’d know it’s from her). A friend used to see eagles, which were a sign from her husband. She has passed on now too and her friends will see eagles and think of her. Some people find feathers or other animals. One friend gets skunks as a sign (I think I’d request a new one!!)

My point is, be aware. Be looking. What can it hurt? Noticing a sign can give hope, encouragement or help you remember someone you love. Maybe they remind us to slow down. To quote Ferris Bueller, “Life moves pretty fast. You don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you pause to look for signs as we go into the weekend and the new moon. You are enough, and your loved ones and guides are here to cheer you on and help you realize it.

(Side note, our school mascot is also a Cardinal!)

They’re looking for you…

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That’s our son, Myles, on the 40 yard line waving to us in the stands. We had a home track meet last week, so we went to cheer them on. He ran the mile (his fastest time this season), and the 4×400 relay. We weren’t there for the whole meet, but we did get to see both of his events. Even though it was a home meet, the stands were not full. The parking lot was – there were ball games and soccer at the same time.

He spotted us in the stands and grinned or nodded. This time he saw me taking pics and gave a wave. He looks for us to be there. I’m not sure if he’d admit that he likes having us there or not, but we try to go to the events. Each time, he scans the stands to see if we are there. We sit through rain, wind, heat and cold… if he is running, we try to be there. We aren’t perfect parents. Nobody is. We try to show up because it’s important to him. He’s looking for us.

I saw a quote recently that said, “Your job won’t remember the nights you worked late, but your kids will.” I know sometimes it seems necessary to work late, and sometimes it is. Often times though, things could wait until tomorrow. If family is important to you, try your best to be there for them. They’re looking for you in the stands. They are also looking to us as examples. They look at how we spend our time. Do our priorities match with our allocation of time? Could we rearrange something to make it work?

Time slips through our fingers, and before we know it, there won’t be track meets to cheer at. We may not remember the score of an event or the time he ran a certain race, but we will remember being there. Hopefully he will too. My older sisters still remember my dad being at the track meet in a snowmobile suit (snow flurries!) I remember the hot cocoa. That was many years ago.

Go to the meet, the game, the match, the run, the concert, the performance, the musical, the play… all of the things. If you cannot go, let them know why and ask questions about it later. Kids don’t always want to let their parents know what’s important to them. They might not want to say the words, “I’m looking for you,” or “I’d like you to be there.” They may not even acknowledge your presence….but I’m willing to bet they smile a little when they see you (even if it’s just in their head).

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Don’t “mom guilt” yourself if you cannot be there – I just want you to be aware that they might be looking for you.

(Last choir concert was tonight, since he’s not in it next year and tomorrow is the last track meet of the year. I’ll be there!)

A different perspective…

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This photo is from a recent evening, right in my front yard. I heard there would be auroras visible, so we went outside. At first, it just seemed like lighter cloud streaks in the sky. Then I took my phone out to take a picture, and the magic dancing lights appeared. I’ve tried to take pictures of the moon before and those rarely turn out. For some reason, the northern lights like to have their picture taken. The greens and purples showed up on my phone just like I remembered them.

My husband and I started dating the summer after my freshman year in college. I was home for the summer near Fargo, ND and we started dating after a 4-H conference. When fall came, I went back to college in Grand Forks (80 miles north). I was a resident assistant my sophomore year. We continued dating, but that meant quite a few trips back and forth for both of us. Some of those trips back to Grand Forks were pretty late at night. It was common to see the auroras dancing across the sky as I drove back to my dorm. The greens and purples would ebb and flow like waves across the night sky. There was no city lights to get in the way.

The reason why the aurora looked brighter on my phone than in real life recently, is because the human eye cannot see faint colors at night. So last year, when my sister and I were driving all over trying to see them, we might have been able to if we took out our phones. It’s a different perspective. It got me thinking about how sometimes we need to change our perspective in our lives also. Taking a step back and looking at things through a different lens might reveal something beautiful.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May your “different perspective” bring you clarity and beauty.

Evening fears…

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“Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I awake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.” This hung in my room when I was little. I said the prayer every night, but was always scared of dying in my sleep. It wasn’t until we had our first son that I learned of an alternate ending. Instead of dying, the stuffed bunny he got for a baby gift said, “The angels watch me through the night until I wake in morning light.” That sure was as a much better ending! This isn’t an isolated thing though. Several nursery rhymes and children’s stories are actually about death or something you probably wouldn’t want your baby or child to go through.

I tried to research why they are so dark, but couldn’t find one common answer. It ranged from “wanting to keep children compliant,” to “hidden meaning tied to historical events.” If fear was one of the reasons, they were successful, at least for me. I feel like fear is either a motivator or it’s something that causes you to grind to a halt. Kind of like cilantro or beets – one way or the other. (I’ve never met someone who kind of likes either of those things… either you like them, or you think cilantro tastes like soap and beets taste like dirt.)

It got me thinking about fear, and how many times I’ve been stuck in a loop. Usually, fear of failure is a recurring one for me. I’m not sure why. I’m sure a few therapy sessions might uncover that, but I know I’m not alone. Fear of failure has kept me from moving forward many times. I have pushed through fear and done things anyway, so you would think that would show me I can do hard things. I survived cancer (scary), I’ve moved my family to a new city & state (also scary), I’ve been published in a book… I’m sure there are more examples of things I’ve done that were wrapped in fear.

I’m not a medical professional or psychiatrist, so perhaps this is just a pep talk for myself as I embark on something scary. I graduate from my evening copywriting class next week. It’s a new skill in my toolbox, but it’s scary. As someone who is sensitive to rejection, there is an additional layer of fear associated with this new thing. “May your faith be bigger than your fear,” although I’m not sure I believe it’s a matter of size of faith that squashes fear. You’ve probably seen the motivational saying, “But what if you fly?” Instead of worrying about the fear of failure, I’m going to welcome in the paradise of possibility. Maybe I’ll move that unicorn over to joy.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. I encourage you to listen to Francesca Battistelli’s song, “The Breakup Song.” She breaks up with fear. It’s a good one.

Lights, camera, action!

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This is our youngest son, Myles, as he prepared for his live show last Saturday. He started his YouTube show, “The Unspecified Show,” about a year ago. He wanted to do a live show with an audience for the one year anniversary. Of course he has help with some logistics, but he organized most of it on his own. My 16 year old son put on a comedy/variety show for around 120 people.

He wrote the jokes, planned the games, found the trivia, got the cast/crew he needed, promoted the event, ordered merchandise and more. To say I’m proud is an understatement. The show flowed smoothly. He even did a live call to wish his grandma a happy birthday. He modified “My Way,” and sang a finale song. He was hoping for a larger audience, but those who showed up had a good time. Some people in the audience were loud towards the end of the show, but kept his composure.

Some day he will look back at this event and say, “Remember when I did a live show?” He has big dreams. (I certainly wasn’t following my dreams at 16 years old.) Will he be the next Fallon? Who knows, but it’s not impossible. We are going to NYC soon, and hope to get in the audience of a few late shows. It will be neat to see how they run. We also will take in some Broadway shows and try to be on the Today show plaza (with Unspecified Show gear on!)

I’m thankful for the people who have encouraged and believed in him. I’m thankful to the people who helped with the show – before/during/after. I’m thankful for the people who watch the YouTube shows or listen to the podcasts. Having someone (other than mom) believe in you is powerful. I’ve had many people tell me that he will do great things. I agree. He already has, and that’s just the start.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Never underestimate the power of believing in someone. Never underestimate what kids can do. Check out his YouTube channel “The Unspecified Show,” and the podcast on Spotify, “Be Unspecified” podcast. His YouTube channel has a replay of his live show. Enjoy!

The Speed of Life…

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I’ve been trying to write on Wednesdays, but the “speed of life” has been pretty rapid lately. I finally realized it was Thursday already, and decided to write a quick post. (well, maybe not quick)

I remember (when I was a kid), the school year seemed like it would take forever. I remember thinking my kids would have never sleep through the night when they were little. Some points in our lives it feels like things are moving in slow motion. Then I blinked, and one boy is 20 and the other is 16. There are men in the photos that used to have little boy grins and buzz cut hairstyles. As nostalgic as I can be for the past, and how quickly it has gone, I’m excited for the future. I’m excited to see where life takes them. I’m their biggest fan (in my opinion), and I’ll be cheering them on through every stage of life.

We don’t see the playbook or the plan. We don’t know the twists and turns ahead… for them or for ourselves. I’ve often said that I’m not a fan of “where do you see yourself in 5 years,” because I never thought I’d be where I am. I also didn’t think our son would be in Montana and the other one would have a You Tube show. I’m so proud of them, and even though I have some regrets about my past, I’m excited for our future.

Last week, we went to Fargo for an improv comedy show. I hadn’t laughed that hard in a long time. Right after that, our youngest went to the State DECA competition, where he was in the final round. He’s planning out classes for next year, all while starting track, thinking of a summer job, and planning his live show yet this month.

To quote Ferris Bueller, “Life goes by pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” I think it depends on why it seems like it’s going fast – is it exciting? Is it stressful? Are you overwhelmed or just trying to add a bunch of things into your calendar? Can we be busy and happy, or is it one or the other? I think that’s up to you to decide.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Whatever speed your life is at right now, may you be happy and blessed.

Traveled down the road and back again…

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Sorry I missed last week. Ironically, I didn’t write because I was learning more about writing. I’m taking a class in the evening and learning about writing copy. It’s been a while since I’ve taken a class with homework, but I finished my first assignment. I also got caught up on the lessons last weekend. I have great respect for people who go back to school (after many years) while working and still doing all of the other life things. It’s certainly not easy. It has sparked my creativity and excitement for something new. Anyway, that’s the long version of why I didn’t write here last week.

I was thinking a lot about friendship this past weekend also. Isn’t it interesting how we become friends as adults? Kids just go up to someone and start playing a game or give them a cool rock… that’s their new friend. Adults try to find someone they have a lot in common with. Maybe we meet online or through a mutual friend. Maybe we meet at a community event or our kids are in the same activity. Maybe we are neighbors or meet at a retreat. There are so many options, but the next step is also varied. Do you just visit at the common event or do you speak outside of that venue also? Do you text, call or follow on social media? How often should you communicate? What’s appropriate to share? When do you consider yourself friends?

I’ve had friends come and go. It’s not always easy to part ways. Sometimes it’s a move to a different city or a different job that changes your friendship. Sometimes it’s a different opinion or even a loss of that common bond. I’ve thought I was someone’s friend before, but they made it clear that I was just a client or just an employee. Sometimes it’s hard to accept if you’re not the one initiating the separation. I’ve heard someone say, “bless and release them,” and I try to remember this when I feel bad. People come in and out of our lives for various reason. It may be for friendship, for learning what we do (or don’t) like, or even for creating a connection with someone else. It’s interesting how many different communities we can be a part of all at one time. As I go through my certification course and learn more about writing and publishing, I will likely meet some new “friends,” and inherently we will have at least one thing in common – writing. I’m excited to see what connections form as a result. Even thought I am not super outgoing, I am welcoming this opportunity. It’s a good time for me to take these classes since my evenings aren’t yet spent outside. It’s also a step outside of my comfort zone.

Soon, the snow will melt and the garden will be ready to plant. Just as we plant the seeds for the garden, we can plant seeds for friendships and connections. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Thank you for being a friend.

Introvert super powers…

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I was wondering what to write about this week, then it hit me. BAM 💥. Well, not really… but I was talking with a friend of mine who is much more of an extrovert, and a lightbulb went off. She was talking about her husband, who is more of an introvert, and what his “introvert superpowers” were. What a great way to look at it! I’ve spent most of my life feeling like an introvert is a curse, but looking at it as being a super power?? That sounds way more fun.

Society tries to make introverts into extroverts, but it rarely goes the other way around. In the spirit of embracing these traits, I thought I’d share. So, here are some of my introvert super powers.

I am always observing and collecting data. Ok, this is true aside from when I’m grocery shopping. Then I literally won’t see you because I’m focused on my task. But normally, I’m taking it all in. I scan the room to see where to stand. I observe the safest place to sit. Do I know anyone? Who seems the most welcoming? Do we have anything in common? What do they think of me? Can I see/hear ok without being up front? Can I escape easily if I start coughing or need to get out? It’s one of the reasons that big crowds make introverts so drained. This and 1,000 other questions and scenarios and data gathering goes on at an event with a bunch of people.

I am a giver. If you’re in my circle, I will gift you things, send you things or offer to do things for you. It’s apparently my love language and it’s a way of sharing myself (my time and talent etc). I’ll send a note in the mail or send flowers or drop off some cookies. I don’t expect anything in return. How great is that??

I’m a good listener. Many introverts don’t lead the conversation. We listen. We are good at asking questions to make you talk about yourself. We (I) will interject a personal story to show connection & that we are listening. We are not trying to imply our story is more important. It’s our way of relating.

I’m sometimes better at writing than speaking, but it depends. If you get me talking about something I love, I’m very animated and not very introverted. I will sometimes over share and immediately regret it. I will replay our conversations in my head over and over. I will analyze what I should have said if I’m in person. If I’m writing, there is always the delete button. I love writing.

I’m not opposed to meeting new people, I just have a selective circle. Although I despise ice breakers, I will do them. Occasionally, I will meet someone I click with. I will usually think I’m not good enough to start with, so I can be a little needy (needing reassurance that I’m accepted.)

I have a wealth of knowledge regarding movie quotes. I’ve watched a lot of movies and can quote many of them. It’s a second language in my house. So if you need me for trivia, movies would be my category!

I’m an excellent planner. Aside from sandpaper or electronics, I love to plan trips, parties, weddings etc. I love the organization of it and trying to make it a memorable event. (This is me flipping the “bossy” or “anal” trait into something positive.)

How awesome would it be if we started embracing our differences? If we looked at our limitations as super powers instead of burdens? How empowering! I’m thankful for my friend who helped me see the positive, wether she knew it or not.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you find your super power – introvert or not.