Tag: #change

I see you…

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This picture of an “invisible woman” really caught my attention. I first time I saw it was in a writing group. They asked us to write a short paragraph about how this made us feel. Tears rolled down my cheek as I typed my paragraph. It made me sad because I often feel invisible.

Sometimes we yearn to be seen and heard. It’s a validation that we are enough.

Have you ever felt invisible? I admit that invisible is my preference at a party or in a crowd. I hide behind being busy. My labels make me invisible and I lose myself. I’m not Mavis, I’m Dallas’ mom or Myles’ mom. I’m not Mavis, I’m Cameron’s wife. I lose myself to be what others want me to be, what they expect me to be. I lose myself to make sure I stay “small.” I set my own wants aside to make sure everyone else is taken care of. Self care seems selfish for me, even though I know how important it is & I encourage it for other people.

I will be the invisible helper in the kitchen. I will be the invisible chef, invisible crafter, invisible planner, invisible laundry folder, the invisible accountant. I keep a mental checklist of all of the appointments & medication refills, of every item in the house, each upcoming activity, birthday, bills to pay, who needs new socks or pants to be spotted, what homework is coming due, what trips we have coming up…. oh and then there is the list for work related stuff too. No wonder I have vertigo with all of these things spinning in my head. Don’t get me wrong, my family is great, and I know they love me. The only females around me are 6 hens, and they aren’t much help (other than the eggs).

Mother’s Day is just around the corner, and to the other moms who feel invisible, I want you to know… I see you.

  • To the hopeful mom, praying for a positive pregnancy test… I see you.
  • To the new mom worried about doing “the right stuff”… I see you.
  • To the toddler mom who thinks these days will never end… I see you.
  • To the mom in the store with a kid in full tantrum mode… I see you.
  • To the mom of the 4th grader longing to fit in… I see you.
  • To the mom of tweens who wonder what happened to their kid… I see you.
  • To the mom of junior high awkwardness… I see you.
  • To the mom of a senior, taking a deep breath as their child prepares to leave the nest… I see you.
  • To the mom of a graduate, wishing for another weekend together… I see you.
  • To the mom who became a grandma, beaming with pride… I see you.
  • To the mom who became a great grandma, yearning for a more active body to keep up with those sweet babies… I see you.

I see you. I have been you or likely will become you… invisible and just wanting to feel enough in the ebbs and flows of motherhood. I have gotten used to skipping self care. It’s not something I’m proud of. I’m aware of it… it became apparent when I had cancer. I was forced to take care of myself. I was forced to say no so I could conserve my energy. But time marches on, and I became invisible again. I did “all the things” because it is easier to, right? Who am I if I’m not busy or stressed? Sometimes I feel like I’m not worthy of taking time for myself. It makes me feel guilty for taking time away from my family, partly because I know time is limited.

I’ve attended a few retreats and towards the end, we sit in a circle with one person standing in the center. We go around the room and say positive & uplifting things about the person in the center. They can only say “thank you”… they cannot dismiss the compliment, they just take it in. We fill up their bucket. We see them. I do not volunteer to go first, but I do admit that it feels good to be seen.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you truly see others and allow yourself a o be seen. I will be working on this too!

Zip lines & spider webs…

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2 years ago, I was zip lining in the mountains of CA for a cancer survivor retreat. I like to remember that trip. For me, it reminds me of what is possible. It reminds me I can fly to CA, drive up a mountain by myself (without getting lost), and stay with strangers who would become friends. I can do a ropes course, zip line and do yoga on the mountainside. I can share my story, and listen to someone else’s story without fear or judgement. I grew a lot that weekend. It seems like a lifetime ago, but I think it was a turning point for me. I can do the tough things and still be vulnerable.

It’s bittersweet because we’ve lost some of the ladies from the retreat. My heart aches for their loved ones who have a void that won’t be filled. The kids who miss their mom, the spouses, friends and parents who reach for the phone and realize they can’t call to say hi. They enriched the lives of those they touched, but it still doesn’t make sense why they had to pass. Some things just don’t have easy answers.

The loss reminds me to appreciate my health, to cherish my friendships and to find JOY. It reminds me to fill my circle with people who cheer me on, even if I don’t make it across the ropes. We all have an invisible connection. When I picture it, I see a spider web. It slowly spins as we tell our stories and gain a connection. By the end of the weekend, the web was strong. Roommates, similar diagnosis, similar struggle, similar victories, similar likes and dislikes, with a common respect and a lasting connection.

A zip line in the mountains was where I found my courage. A zip line in the mountains was where I laughed and screamed and almost puked. A zip line in the mountains will hold a special place in my heart. And every year when this memory pops up, I will think of this web of connection woven between women who started with one common thread (cancer), and ended up with so many more. Your tragedy doesn’t have to define you, but it sure shapes you in a different way.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you find your own “zip line in the mountains” and don’t forget to keep your eyes open. The view is breathtaking!

Are you willing to stick your tongue out?

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This is one of the many bird feeders in our back yard. It is empty. Although we’ve had some snow lately, it has melted and hopefully it will feel like spring soon. The bird feeder isn’t empty due to a bunch of migrating birds returning from their winter vacation. It’s not empty because of a wind storm or squirrels. Nope, it is empty due to the deer wandering through the yard. While this feeder closes if a squirrel gets on it, it does not close if a deer sticks its tongue through the hole to lick out the bird seed.

Pretty creative, right? The deer walking from the state park through our yard like to stop for a snack, I guess. We have 3 “winter feeders” we keep full all year. These 3 deer were having some breakfast when we looked out the patio. (Our snow is gone finally- this was a little while ago)

How often does our life not go quite like we planned it? How often are we forced to adapt? Sometimes we have to be creative, be like the deer and stick our tongue out. It might be something small like a road detour causing us to reroute. It might be a larger event – job change, a sickness, a marriage, divorce, baby or graduation causing us to adjust to our new circumstances. Will you keep walking past the feeder, not even realizing that it’s a solution? Will you pay attention to the person showing you the way? Will you take the path not yet traveled? Sometimes the detour is wonderful and exciting, yet other times it feels scary. There isn’t one right answer, you just have to be open to new ways to seek help or find solutions.

I was happy that there were deer in the back yard. If it was a bear in the bird feeder, that might have been a different story. My chickens are pretty safe with the deer. Deer are often a symbol of peace and serenity. I figured they had some kind of lesson or wisdom to share. I think the wisdom is ‘to find peace amidst the change.’ Often times, the part of change that feels scary is the lack of control… the fear of the unknown. Maybe if we are willing to stick out tongues out, we might find what we are looking for.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you find some answers you’ve been searching for, and maybe a full bird feeder or two.

Hang on!

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Roller coasters. I feel like you either love them or avoid them at all costs. I’ve been on more actual roller coasters in the last 6 years than my previous 41 years combined. I’ve had my share of emotional and life related roller coasters also.

Last week marked 6 years since I rang the bell at the cancer center, signaling the end of active treatment. The 5 months from diagnosis to bell ringing was a fast roller coaster. It had lots of twists and turns. It made me sick to my stomach at times, elated, feeling like I was just dropped 7 stories, smiling, upside down, laughing and wanting to scream. It felt like the slow “click-click-click” as you inch towards the top peak, and the racing/rattling of the downward descent. You feel relief when the ride stops, but then you realize that wasn’t the end. There is another section. It might be the lazy river but it might be the corkscrew or a 100 year old wooden roller coaster. You might even get stuck at the upward ascent (this actually happened to us – someone had their phone out and was going to take pictures, which is against their rules).

The last 6 years have had plenty of roller coaster moments, but none as quick as those 5 months. I could almost break the last 6 years up into separate “rides.” …Cancer treatment…recovery…selling a house…moving…having teenagers…starting a new job…loss of friends…loved ones with cancer…pandemic…distance learning…starting a farm & business…writing for a compilation book. Each different in their own way, but not without their twists and turns. The roller coaster in the photo happens to be one in the shape of a cancer ribbon. I thought it was fitting for me. Your roller coaster will look completely different. Yours may be full of people or just have a few. You might be laughing the whole time or scared to death. You may feel like you are completely in the dark or basking in a bright sunny day. None of it is wrong, it’s just part of life.

There are some upcoming roller coaster rides that I’m aware of – graduation, moving the oldest son from MN to MT, having a chapter published in an actual book, adjusting to one son at home, driver’s ed… but there are so many that aren’t planned also. There will be times we want to close our eyes and hope it will end and other times when we want to enjoy the view. I’m thankful to have you on my roller coaster ride. Wait, do rides make you sick? I’ll sit in front.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May your roller coaster ride have some great times, with you in the front row. Throw your hands in the air, take some Dramamine and don’t forget to take the change out of your pocket. Hang on!

For the birds….

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I was recently looking for an upgrade in eyeglasses. Normally, I’d have one of the guys come with me to help narrow it down. I mean, they look at me way more than I look at myself. But, due to COVID19, I had to go alone. I couldn’t try on 50 pairs either. I normally have a difficult time deciding. I had to leave it all in the hands of the eyeglass expert.

If you’re new here, letting go of control is not easy for me. To just sit there while she chose the glasses FOR me was a big test of strength. She came back with 5 pairs. Wait, where are the other 45? How will I pick from 5? The first one was cute, second one was too small, 3rd one was cute, 4th was too tight and the 5th one was funky. I narrowed down to 3, took pictures and send to my husband. While I was talking to him to see his opinion, she told me the funky one has actual feathers on the side. What?! Ok, never mind, that makes the decision so much easier! So my new glasses will be “from the birds” instead of “for the birds.”

It’s so easy to stay in the middle. To stay safe and comfortable and not make changes. Sometimes it’s fun to go a little outside the lines. I used to be more fun. I used to not follow the rules or worry as much about what people thought. I’m trying to get a little bit of that back… perhaps a new “middle ground” that has a little more harmony. Aside from new glasses, I have a few other things up my sleeve. You’ll have to wait for them to unfold. One of the big ones is becoming a published author in June. I’ve submitted my 2,000 word chapter for a compilation book. “Why do you want to be a published author?” Because it will feel like a validation for me, it will be outside of the middle ground and it will make me feel a little more enough.

What kind of shift can you make? What will stretch you outside of your middle ground? Maybe it will be for the birds and maybe it will be from the birds. Whatever it is, it will be enough. Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

Detours and rerouting …

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This is a small dam near our place. The water from the lake flows over the dam and down the river. If you look closely, you can see the erosion on the far side. The water decided it wanted to go on the other side of that metal wall. It eroded the bank and started to flow a little too quickly.

This is the river we float down in the summer. This is my relaxing spot. For a couple of hours, time slows down. The water and the sun, the slow pace, the wildlife and fish… it’s all just what I need. Catching up with friends while we slowly float down the river is a highlight of the summer.

I’m not sure what it will look like this year. They are adding rock and trying to fix the erosion. Since it’s only March, (and in MN that means we still have potential winter), we have time. Also, the lake it flows from is one of the deepest, so it melts last. This means the water is pretty cold in the spring. We have some time before we need to air up the lounge floaters.

This wasn’t part of the plan for the dam. It’s a detour, a rerouting. It got me thinking about all of the detours or rerouting I’ve gone through. Some times I welcomed it, and other times I resisted. It came either way, whether I was ready or not. It’s more comfortable to stay in the stream, to stay the course. We get caught up in routines and before we know it, a whole year has gone by. Cancer was a detour, moving was a rerouting… they both created experiences I wouldn’t have had if I had stayed where I was. I wouldn’t have met the people I met because of cancer. I wouldn’t be writing a blog each week. I wouldn’t have gotten rid of household cleaning chemicals or become aware of my health. I wouldn’t get to wake up to rows of trees and chickens and a cat if we hadn’t moved. I wouldn’t have grown a huge garden and become a cottage food producer. I wouldn’t have perfected a pie crust and found almond cake recipes.

Sometimes it’s ok to be rerouted. Sometimes it’s ok to have a detour. You never know where you will end up as a result. For me, I hope the actual river will be great for tubing when May rolls around. Wherever your life detour takes you, I hope you have someone to share it with. While you’re being rerouted, I hope you know you are enough. If you’re struggling with that, please reach out. Talk to a friend, a pastor, a counselor… someone. Sometimes we just need to share our story and to know we aren’t alone in the detour. I wish you peace on your journey of enough.

But we will…

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Last weekend, my husband and I drove to Fargo to return some things. Outgrown, duplicates and just plain “not needed” stuff filled the back seat. We left our house for the afternoon, just the two of us. As we drove away, I said, “This is kind of like a long date!” He looked at me like I was nuts. The thing is, I can’t remember the last time we went somewhere alone. It might have happened in the last year but it certainly wasn’t want a regular thing. It was enough to make it seem special. No occasion, just a Saturday afternoon to go to “the big city,” return some things, see friends in person and have some delicious food.

Our short shopping trip was successful. Items returned or exchanged quickly and easily. I’ve been working from home a lot and just don’t go out much. It felt good to be away from home. I no longer live near a Kohl’s or Old Navy or Scheels. I miss the variety and the selection (& quite honestly, the thrill of shopping.) I remember thinking, “I’ll never take shopping for granted again….” but we will. We will get vaccinated and get herd immunity and some parts of life will get back to normal. We will look at a trip to Target as a chore instead of a rare outing.

We went out for supper and met our two friends. We couldn’t recall the last time we saw each other in person. We weren’t sure when the last time just the 4 of us went out for a meal either. We enjoyed some appetizers and flights of beer (or ciders in my case). Our meal was great. I remember thinking, “We won’t take this for granted again.” But we will. We will eventually be eating in full restaurants. We will sit down instead of getting take out or delivery or contactless drop off.

I remember when I broke my foot after my radiation was done. The long wait of wearing a boot, using a scooter and not putting weight on my foot seemed endless. “I’ll be so thankful when I can walk again. I won’t take it for granted.” But I did. My son did the same after he broke his leg. He doesn’t think much about it now.

We aren’t meant to dwell in the past. We may think we can’t move forward, but we will. The bumps in the road are reminders that we are human… we aren’t immortal or invincible. There are no capes or magic wands to wave. We will get through this. Will their be changes and even loss? Unfortunately, yes. Our journey is meant to bring us together, and that seems so contradictory when we’ve spent so much time apart over the last year.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. We may think we won’t ever get back to normal, but we will.

Never too old for “firsts”…

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This past weekend, we flew from MSP to Bozeman. We had originally planned to fly to Kalispell, MT when we thought that’s where our oldest son was moving. We were scheduled to go over October break, but things were too risky with Covid, and vaccines hadn’t come out yet. Between then and now, he decided NOT to move to Kalispell, or to go to Billings. He wanted to see Bozeman once more before moving there and get a feel for the town. It’s 170 days until he moves away.

There were a few “firsts” on this trip.

  • First time traveling without snacks
  • First time changing flight plans a week before the trip
  • First time flying first class
  • First time in Yellowstone National Park
  • First time on a winter wildlife safari
  • First time seeing a wolf pack surround an elk
  • First time in the Bozeman airport
  • First time flying during a pandemic
  • First time in a Murdoch’s store
  • First Roost chicken and Red Tractor Pizza

I’m sure there are more “firsts.” Each time we travel, we try to eat somewhere new. (Or at least somewhere we can’t go to at home… so no McDonald’s, Culver’s, Taco John’s etc). We had a big lunch one day and were too stuffed for supper. Instead, we decided to go out for ice cream. I might have added it to the list, but I can’t guarantee it’s a first time having just ice cream for supper. It for sure is the first time we’ve had ice cream AND shared huckleberry shakes for supper. (It was amazing!)

While we sometimes remember the “firsts,” we aren’t always sure when we will have the “lasts.” The last time our kids held our hand or wanted to sit on our lap. The last time we heard someone’s laugh. The last time we hug someone we love. A friend of mine has gone through a lot of loss in the last year. A LOT of people she knows and loves have passed on. Some of them were known to be passing due to illness and some were sudden. It’s a lot for our hearts to bear. We want to help others navigate their loss, while still trying to process our own. We miss seeing them in person. We miss their smile, their stories, their touch. Was our time together enough? What do we remember most? Memories & pictures are what remain after they are gone. The other “stuff” left behind is just that. Stuff. It’s those moments of joy that bring us back to the time when they were here physically.

It’s one of the reasons I like to go on trips. Memories. Moments. Joy. A little escape from regular life that carves out some firsts…. some “remember when?…” It’s putting a pause on Groundhog Day and making room for some Pennies from Heaven.

As we flew into the Bozeman airport, my son said, “Can I just live here forever?”… and that’s when my mommy heart knew that my boy had found his place. He will be living in a beautiful town, surrounded by mountains and streams and abundant wildlife. He will have so many new “firsts” coming up. I hope someday he will remember this trip and smile…and know how very loved he is. I’m so excited for your journey, buddy. You are always enough.

I wish you all peace on your journey of enough. If your heart is hurting and missing the “lasts,” think back to the “firsts” and go create some new ones. You might just find some signs from your loved ones when you do. We found pennies and quarters on our trip. Each time, I stopped and smiled, and my heart was happy.

Silver and Gold…

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“Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, and the other is gold.” I remember singing this as a young girl. I couldn’t remember where. Thanks to Google, I realized it was from my days in Girl Scouts.

What triggered this memory from years ago? A friend I met at a cancer survivor retreat is passing away. She loved the Golden Girls and even went on a Golden Girls theme cruise. She is the third one from the retreat to pass away since April 2019. In less than 2 years, 3 of the 30 ladies have passed away. All of them were younger ladies with loved ones who will miss them. I wasn’t prepared for this to happen. Recurrence makes us more aware of our own mortality. We aren’t immortal. Sometimes we forget this and act as though we will live forever.

The Healing Odyssey 53rd retreat in the mountains of California was completely out of my comfort zone. They try to make it affordable so any cancer survivor can attend. I just had to get myself to CA. Flying alone is something I’ve done before. Staying with 29 other ladies who have had cancer previously or were still being treated was an experience like no other. I had an instant bond with total strangers. My story was enough. My cancer was enough. My journey was enough. I told them stories very few people know. I cried with and hugged these new friends. I zip-lined – which is something I swore I’d never do. I went on a ropes course, high in the trees with my legs shaking so fiercely as I thought for sure I’d fall. I did yoga outside at the top of the mountain. I went for walks among the tall pine trees and sat silently to look out over the valley below.

The whole song is: Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold. A circle is round, it has no end. That’s how long I will be your friend. A fire burns bright, it warms the heart. We’ve been friends from the very start. You have one hand, I have the other. Put them together, we have each other. Silver is precious, gold is too. I am precious and so are you. You help me and I’ll help you, and together we will see it through. The sky is blue. The Earth is green. I can help to keep it clean. Across the land, Across the sea… Friends forever we will always be.

I’m forever grateful for my experience at the retreat. I hope they are able to hold it again once COVID is under control. Rest In Peace sweet friends.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. Take a moment to reach out to your silver and gold friends today.

862…

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862. It’s 862 miles from our house to Montana State University in Bozeman. Our oldest son got accepted to MSU for this coming fall. He will graduate high school in June and have his welding certificate this summer from the Tech school. This fall, he will move 862 miles away to pursue an Ag education degree to become an Ag teacher and hopefully an FFA advisor.

This is not a piece of cake. He isn’t a 4.0 kid. He will have to work hard, ask for help and really get to know the tutoring department… but I know he can do it. We haven’t been saving for this since he was a baby, like is often suggested. The amount the Federal Student Aid (FAFSA) suggested we should contribute is ridiculous. Why am I not stressed about this? It will work out. He will apply for scholarships, take out loans and get a side job welding or at a sporting goods store. It’s where is heart wants to go, and to have him settle for less because it is more convenient, cheaper or closer to me wouldn’t be fair. His one year of school will cost what almost 4 years cost when I went. The thought of moving to Norway did cross my mind. (Just joking – kind of).

He will be ok. He will have a high school diploma and a tech degree/certification and a 4 year degree. Since some of his tech classes will transfer, it should be less than 4 years. He has something that is difficult to teach…. communication skills. He isn’t afraid to talk to people. He is his father’s son. He’s getting better at asking for help and has seen the value in tutoring. He will be able to relate to the kids who have trouble focusing and who prefer hands-on learning. He can share his love of nature, outdoors, agriculture, welding and wildlife.

From Jaguar to Cardinal and now Bobcat, I’ll cheer him on wherever he goes. Part of my heart will move 862 miles away, but I’m so excited for his adventures. His journey is just beginning and there is so much more to his story. How does this relate to you? Don’t settle. Don’t sell yourself short. It’s not entitlement. It’s about knowing what you want and knowing what will bring you joy.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you find what brings you joy, even if it is 862 miles from home.