Tag: #change

The file grows…

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It all started as I approached 40. I wouldn’t call it a “bucket list,” because I wasn’t planning on dying anytime soon… there were just some new things I thought I should try. Stuck in my routine and bound by anxiety, I felt like I was missing out. So, why not try something new? I wish I would have actually written them all down. Perhaps I didn’t believe in myself enough to think I’d go through with it. Some things that I do remember (starting around, near or after 40):

  1. Colored my hair blonde (just to see if I’d have more fun)
  2. Completed a half marathon (total of 4 times)
  3. Went to a “paint & sip” by myself – did a painting while drinking
  4. Did hot yoga (normally don’t like being hot)
  5. Joined a “fight club” at the gym (I know, I broke the first rule)
  6. Got breast cancer (lumpectomy, radiation & hysterectomy)
  7. Rang the survivor bell (see above)
  8. Got tattoos (just for radiation, haven’t been brave enough to get a fun one)
  9. Wrote/writing a blog
  10. Rode the Wild Thing roller coaster at Valley Fair
  11. Ski @ Red Lodge, MT
  12. Moved my family to Alexandria 
  13. Went to a writers conference 
  14. Rode the Linq wheel in Vegas
  15. Went to a drive in movie 

Did any of them change my life? Yes. Some were intentional & some were not. All came with lessons or realizations of some kind. Some were more profound than others. Coloring my hair made me realize that it’s not your hair color that decides how much fun you have – it’s your willingness to say yes to new things. Completing the half marathons started out as a test for myself to see if I could do half of what my husband does (he’s a full marathoner). It ended up as an emotional journey – my last one being completed a year after my cancer “stuff.” The painting class by myself was proof that I could step outside my comfort zone. I normally avoid situations where I’m alone with 20-30 strangers. I made it through the class and have done it a few times since then – alone and with friends or family. The hot yoga and fight club made me realize that my body can do some amazing things. Also learned that “hot” is ok and I got my pink boxing gloves for fight club. Those pink gloves would be worn the day of my lumpectomy. The cancer wasn’t on my bucket list, but it did change me. It opened my eyes to how short life is. It helped me to realize that it’s ok to take a risk or make a change. It made me realize that it’s alright to need people, to let them bring you meals or flowers or just visit. 

You get the idea… everything had a meaning or a lesson or a realization of some kind. Some stretched me further than I thought I could go. Some prepared me for other things that would come along later. It only happened because I was open to it. Not quite like the Jim Carey “Yes Man” movie, but along those same lines. Before having cancer, our family trips were carefully planned out. I’m talking spreadsheets, budgets, binders, timing of events & places to go, how much we would spend on parking or toll roads – all of it. Planned. After cancer, we went with a rough idea and were more spontaneous. I’ll never forget my boys looking at me and asking what our plan was for the day. When I said “I’m not sure,” their eyes got huge. “What do you mean?!” This whole concept was foreign to them. It has taught them both ways – it’s good and comfortable and reassuring to have a plan, but it can be fun to be spontaneous.

My hope for you is that your own file (“things I never thought I’d do”) grows. Be open to new things. Let people in. Step out of your comfort zone. Take the trip. May your journey of enough lead you to a whole new set of adventures and a peace that fills your soul. 

Have a friend who thinks you are enough…

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Change is hard. It’s scary. It’s also not impossible. It’s been 6 months since we moved … half of a calendar year has gone by in a new state, new city, new schools, new jobs, new churches, new Dr’s. We are still adjusting but we are also doing fine. More people were worried about my kids than my husband and I. “It must be hard to move at that age.” “I can’t believe you changed schools during the school year.” You get the idea – I must have ruined their lives. Only, I didn’t.

Kids are way more resilient than we give them credit for. Yes, we moved our kids. But we also love and support them, we feed and clothe them and take them places. They aren’t abused, neglected, dealing with alcoholic parents or wondering where their next meal will come from. Many of their classmates are. We just don’t see or talk about it as much. Kids are also more easy going (sometimes). They may be more open to learning about “the new kid.” The boys still miss their friends deeply, but they are also making new friends. Much easier than the adults are. Making new friends as an adult is harder, in my opinion.

I don’t have anything to compare it to. We moved to Kindred when I was 1. I graduated from high school in the same town. I even moved back for a period of time. I didn’t have much change of scenery. I wasn’t forced to adapt. That’s not a bad thing – it was comfortable and secure. It was safe.

Making friends as an adult is hard for me. I’ve become even more introverted than before. I fear rejection & judgement. It’s scary and doesn’t feel safe. I am admittedly hard to know. I have a small circle of close friends, but those are ones that I would do anything for. I am very thankful for them. I became friends with Jessie when we were neighbors. I offered some baby clothes to my pregnant neighbor, and somehow we clicked. Similar values, love to bake, both introverted. We would go on walks around our neighborhood & talk for hours. We’d lose track of time while we put on miles. We’d have monthly group suppers (with enough food to feed many) Then she moved. Just 15 miles, but it was so hard. Would we stay friends? Would we still see each other? I mourned the loss of my best friend & walking partner…The person who didn’t care if my house was messy or not. She accepted me for me. The real me was enough for her. Fast forward many years…We stayed friends and are still close, even though I’m farther away. It just takes more planning to get together in person. She knows that if she texts me at 11:30pm, that I’m sleeping but I will reply to her at 6am when I get up. Our kids have grown up together and act more like cousins or brothers and sisters than just friends.

Friendship are hard, but they are possible. I may meet some new people, but I will always cherish the friends in my circle. I know people who are making some big life moves, and the thought of leaving their friends is hard. My advice is this: “you will make time for what/whom is important to you.” Peace be with you on your journey and may you always has a friend who believes you are enough. (Because you ARE!)

4 more years…(not political)

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With it being Inauguration Day, you might have thought politics were the topic of the blog today. I will refrain from political posts because I don’t think my opinion will change your mind. This isn’t about politics. My oldest son has a birthday coming up. He will be 14. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I only have 4 more years! 4 years from now he will be 18 and will be figuring out his next path in life. Wasn’t it yesterday that we brought him home from the hospital? So tiny in the big car seat?! Wasn’t it yesterday that he was farming and put a toy fence around baby Myles to make sure that he wouldn’t escape? Wasn’t it yesterday when he lost his first tooth, had his first day at preschool or learned to ride bike?

The picture above is his baby hat and one of his tiny socks (crayon for size reference.) Now, he is taller than me. He’s becoming such a neat young man. I get to drive them both to school in the morning. Yes, they could take the bus, but I really treasure our time together. Just a quick start to the day may turn into talks about school or ice fishing or the status of the home sale. I also take him to confirmation on Wednesday nights. They do it a little different here. There is a small service and then the kids break out into 2 groups and the adults talk about the Bible verse and our highs/lows. Anyone who knows me, knows that small talk with strangers makes me uncomfortable. It’s way way outside my comfort zone. Why did I agree to take him? Why didn’t I just drop him off and come back later? Example. I want to show him how important this is, and I want to show him that it’s ok to go outside of your comfort zone. I realize now that my mom did the same thing for me. Maybe 30 yrs from now, he will get to do the same for his kids. I’ve always been content to sit in the back and blend in. I’d quietly volunteer but not get too involved. I felt led to this place, and we happen to have a familiar pastor. Perhaps there are greater things at work here. In fact, I know there is. I just need to be open to it.

Some days, my journey of enough leaves me feeling like the sands of time are slipping through my fingers. Some days, my journey makes me feel like I should have done more as a mom. And then, some days, I get a hug out of the blue and a peek into my teen’s life. And in those moments, I feel enough. Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

Roller coasters, mess & hopes for the future…

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Our pastor on Sunday talked about letting God meet us in our “mess.” We often show the best side, and fail to be real with each other. If you ever want to know how real I am, drop by on a random Tuesday and my house will likely make you feel better. (It’s not spotless!) Anyway, here is me – letting you in on my mess. What a roller coaster. The last few weeks have had us up and down and down and up again. When we decided to move to Alexandria, homes in our neighborhood were selling very quickly. We wrongly assumed ours would sell quickly also and we’d be able to move forward. But then it was the election and Thanksgiving and Christmas and not much happened. We thought we had it sold twice, but those fell through. Then last week we put it back on the market, ready to start over. Thankfully, the market has picked up, and 3 showings and 2 offers later, we can finally put a SOLD sign out front. Our ND realtors did a great job in making it all come together. Our MN realtor did a great job in calming the sellers here (of the home we want to buy.) By the end of February, we should be ready to really move forward.

We are thrilled there is a young family who will be loving our home as much as we did. It was neat to hear my boys talk about how much the kids will love the playground and yard… how they will think the park is neat… all the ways that the new kids will love to grow up in the house that was their home. There is so many things I hope for them…

I hope they get to carve pumpkins on the kitchen table in the breakfast nook. I hope they have cookie sprinkles on the floor and Nerf gun darts stuck to their dishwasher. I hope their kids “farm” the new carpet. I hope they open their home to the neighborhood kids & not worry if it’s clean or not. I hope they have S’mores in the fire pit and teach their kids to garden. I hope they ride bike or go for walks “around the loop.” I hope they get tons of trick or treaters. Mostly, I hope they make the house into their home – with memories that their kids will cherish also.

Sometimes our journey of enough takes is on a roller coaster instead of a nice smooth path. God has a plan for each of us. Sometimes it’s hard to see and it’s usually hard to wait, but it will come. Peace be with you on your journey. And remember, the roller coasters make us appreciate the smooth paths!

Onto the next adventure…

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Friday was my last day at work. It was a bittersweet week filled with lunches and stories and “lasts.” The last meetings, the last time I’ll visit with some people and the last time I will be a planner for this company. As we pack up our house of  12 years, I’m often reminded of the “firsts.” My boys had their “firsts” in this house. First steps for Myles, first teeth lost for both boys, first garden they remember, first crushes and heartbreaks, kindergarten and school programs. We moved here when Dallas was 1 1/2. It’s the only home they’ve known. They rode their first bikes here, carved all of their pumpkins here & done all of their homework here. They’ve had friends play,(but not as many as they should have had because I was too worried about my messy house.) I’ve rocked them in the living room and dried their tears in bed. It’s the only house they’ve ever known and I’m taking them from it. It makes me feel crappy and selfish, but I know it’s a move we need to make. For reasons that I cannot explain to them, we need to move. Onto a new adventure.

While a house is just a building, a home is wherever your family is. I hope they understand that someday. I hope they forgive me for taking them (all of them) from their friends and their routine and their “normal” into something all new. I hope they see it as an adventure, an opportunity for a new start. I hope they learn that the people you want to stay in touch with are the ones you always will. Your true friends will be able to see you anytime & pick up right where you left off. I never moved around as a kid. I was also 1 when my parents moved to Kindred but I was married and on my own when they moved off the farm. People who have moved around as kids reassure me that they will do fine. They will make new friends and stay in touch with the ones important to them. I’m not sure how to explain that on Monday, their last day of school. I’m guessing there will be big tears. Kind of like the ones I have now as I write this. I will dry their tears and hug them and let them know that my arms are their true home.

We are entering a whole new chapter of enough. Is our house good enough for someone to buy? Will they fit in enough at their new school? Will I fit in enough at my new job? I have to trust that the answer is yes. I have to trust that we’ve been led in this direction for a reason. I can’t wait to see what that is and how it unfolds. In the meantime, I’m sure there will be fishing and skiing when we aren’t unpacking and finding a farm to call ours.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough, and please say a prayer for a good transition for my family. It’s not “good bye,” it’s “see you later.”