Tag: #change

Um, that wasn’t my plan…

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One of my favorite verses is Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” How many times do our plans not work out? How many times are we convinced that we know better, know the answer, know the right path? Sometimes the meaning behind our struggles comes later and we realize what the lesson was. Sometimes it just doesn’t make sense.

When we lived in ND, and our youngest was little, my husband took down old barns or old buildings. He made furniture and signs and frames. When we moved to MN, we didn’t have a place for all of the lumber. Some of it didn’t “make the cut” and was burned in the fire pit before we moved. Some of the stuff that we wanted to save was stored at a friend’s place for the last 3 years. We recently moved it home, and had built a shed to store it in. It’s like a tarp building.

The weekend we finished putting it up, it was snowing. We got most of it moved inside the shelter. We thought it should be good. My husband even bought longer anchors to secure it in the ground.

Plans changed. Not our plans. Winds over 60 mph, along with a driving rain hit our area last night. Thankfully, our trees are standing and our chickens are ok. The shed is not ok. Not even a little bit. The cables attached to the stakes snapped. The metal broke and twisted. The tarp has holes. It’s done for. Um, not our plan.

The wind came under and picked it up like a sail. It tossed it back to the trees. It felt like it was mocking all of our hard work. Now what? We aren’t sure yet. It was still too windy this morning to try and move it or disassemble it.

Sometimes we feel like this shed… tossed and broken and torn. We don’t quite know how to put the pieces back together. I encourage you to hold on. Get a pen and paper and write out everything that’s on your mind and everything on your heart (not always the same thing). Rip it up or burn the paper. You do not need to hold onto it. Find a trusted friend to talk to, preferably someone who will just listen. Know that you’re not alone. The social media pictures only tell part of the story. Everyone has a crappy “brain dump” list.

Our plans may not always work out how we envisioned. In fact, many times they don’t. If you haven’t found your groove yet, hold on. If you haven’t found your tribe yet, hold on. If you haven’t found your purpose yet, hold on. Hold on… pain ends. One way or another, the pain will end. The shed will get taken down and maybe pieces will be used for something else. Maybe God will be making diamonds out of your dust.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Regardless of your plans, I hope His plans are bigger and more wonderful than you could have imagined.

Change …

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Since the start of autumn/fall happened on the 23rd, I thought it was appropriate to talk about change. It’s not just the leaves in MN changing, many people I know are going through life changes too. It reminds me that we are all in different stages of our seasons. We might be letting go, or saying goodbye, or changing, or welcoming something new.

A friend with a new job and a move across the country…

A sister who dropped off her youngest daughter at college and is now an empty nester…

A family who laid their 12 year old son to rest after a battle with cancer…

A friend who holds a fundraiser in honor of his late wife, and helps others with financial burdens…

A friend who navigates the medical terms, the stress and the anxiety of a child with autism & epilepsy…

A husband who deals with the anniversary of the loss of his mother …

A niece who prepares to move away this winter…

A friend who reads the statistics of stage 4 metastatic breast cancer…

So many people are going through big changes or have significant reminders of big life changes. What do you do? What do you say? How can you help? We worry about saying the wrong thing. We hold back because we want to do the right thing. What’s worse than possibly saying the wrong thing? Silence. Nothingness. I remember being surprised when some friends of mine were silent during my cancer. A friend whose nephew died by suicide said the same thing – people leaving hurt the worst.

Friends, we all go through change. Some of it we didn’t ask for. It’s how we grow. It’s how we learn. It’s how we move forward. Sometimes the change is messy and hurtful and sometimes it’s exciting and wonderful. If you know of someone going through a change, you don’t need to fix it or make it better, you just need to be there for them. Let them know you care, however seems appropriate…Send them a card, support their fundraiser, let them cry on your shoulder, laugh with them, make them a care package, pray for them, cheer for them… just love them.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven (Ecclesiastes 3:1).

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May the fall season remind us that letting go can be beautiful, and spring will come again.

Do you have an internal crowing competition?

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Mid-May, we added 10 chickens to our farm. At the time, we weren’t sure if they were hens or roosters. We were still learning about chickens, but I knew I wanted to have some.

Fast forward to August, when two of our chickens started “cock-a-doodle-doing.” My husband wasn’t impressed & quickly offered to get rid of them (because he thought they would bother the neighbors). We live in the country and the state park is across the road from us, so we really only have one house close by. Turns out, we have 4 roosters. Two of them crow more than the others. In fact, they have a bit of a competition to see who can crow the most or the loudest (we aren’t sure which, they didn’t say.) We’ll see if the video works…

In this video, Cluck Norris starts out first. Teriyaki follows. The tan one is Cluck Norris. The brown one is Teriyaki (whom I’ve written about before… turns out is a “roo” and now likes that to be known to everyone.)

My chickens sure have taught me a lot of things. I’m thankful to have let them into our lives. I was talking with a mentor the other day and I said, “I feel like there are two parts to me: 1) Organized, planning, in control side 2) Creative, free, baking/painting/sewing side. They are kind of like my roosters, crowing in competition to see who gets noticed.” She said, “They are both sides of you. Both your organized and your creative sides make you unique.” Wow. I hadn’t thought of it that way before. Instead of one trait being better or worse, they both work together to make me who I am.

Sadly, we don’t need 4 roosters for 6 hens (we don’t really need any, but Col.Sanders and Hawk don’t crow). We are giving Cluck Norris and Teriyaki to a family who will let them free range on their farm. They will have new adventures ahead of them. I will miss their personalities, but I’m thankful for all they have taught me.

Cluck Norris

Teriyaki (first one to go for a walk with the chicken harness.)

I will miss the way they run over to the fence to see if I have treats. I will miss the strange clucks and noises they make. I’m interested to see if the two remaining Roos change in personality. Will any of the hens miss them? (Probably not, Ha Ha)

Do you have an internal crowing competition? Do you struggle with which side is better or worse? Which side can be seen and which one you feel like you need to hide? I encourage you to honor and embrace both sides. It makes you a unique individual. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May both sides of you crow with glee. Just don’t wake the neighbors up at 5am!

Do you feel like you’re just hanging on?

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There are some milkweed plants in our back yard. They are actually in our plantings amongst the flowers. They’re not supposed to be there. Most people would pull it out. I wanted it left in. I know milkweed is an important part of Monarch butterflies’ habitat. I counted 15 caterpillars the other day. They are all different sizes and stages. The one in the picture is about the size of my little finger. They will eat up all of the leaves and drop many droppings. They haven’t created their cocoons or chrysalis yet. They aren’t yet butterflies, but I know they will be.

Are you at a stage in your life where you feel like you’re upside down like this caterpillar? Or, would you rather stay in a cocoon and not break out into the world? Maybe you’re not sure you will ever be a butterfly? Sometimes we don’t know there was someone who created a sanctuary or a safe place for us… there was someone who didn’t pick the weed we are living on. The caterpillar might not yet realize they will be flying in a few weeks. Their world will expand outside this lonely plant. They will soar through the air.

This little caterpillar isn’t comparing itself to the larger one. It will grow in time, and will become the same size butterfly when it’s done. As I sit in my cluttered living room, surrounded by 4-h fair projects and Farmer’s market signs & materials, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. It’s easy to compare my house to my friend’s homes (that look like they are from a magazine). I feel like I’ve gone through the caterpillar and butterfly stages more than once. I remember the cocoon days where it felt impossible to get out of bed. I’ve felt on top of the world, soaring above the trees…. and I’ve felt upside down on a stationary leaf.

Some days it might feel like you’re just barely holding on. Hold on anyway. Your butterfly days may be just around the corner. All of that “messy” may turn into something beautiful. Look around you at all of the miracles in nature. I encourage you to stop and say thank you. Thank you for our messes that turn us into butterflies. Thank you for our cocoons to protect us in the transition. Thank you for our friends to fly with us.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough.… whether you’re in the caterpillar or butterfly stage of your life, hold on. Don’t compare your journey to someone else’s. It’s uniquely your own, and completely beautiful. You are loved.

Take off the backpack…

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School is just around the corner. It seems like summer just started in MN, and already the aisles of Target are filled with school supplies. I’m not talking about a school backpack, although those can get very heavy. I’m talking about the burdens we carry around daily.

What’s in your backpack? Guilt, shame, responsibility, fear, anger, resentment, comparison, old stories that no longer serve you? If I picture all of the things that are in my backpack, I start to feel the weight of it. At times, it has felt so heavy, I didn’t know if I could move forward. I wanted to just stay in bed, hide from the world and hope it would all go away. I’ve felt the weight of infertility, of being the primary income for our family, of cancer, of my own weight/health… you get the idea. It has also felt like I was carrying the backpack through quicksand at times.

Someone shared with me a valuable exercise… I will share it with you too. We all need reminders that it’s ok to lay those burdens down. Picture that backpack filled with all of your “stuff”… regardless of its size at the moment, picture yourself taking it off. Take the straps off your shoulders. Picture it thumping down to the ground, as the dust flies. Step back from the backpack and lift your arms up. Give it over to God (or your higher power or the universe etc.) and see yourself announcing, “I’m done! This is no longer mine to carry! I give it over to you!” Do you feel physically lighter?

I can hear some of you…”Oh, that’s silly. Why would I do that? Those things define me… I need those burdens.” But do you? Do you really? This isn’t a one time experience… it’s something you have to keep doing. Whether you wait for that backpack to be so full, you can hardly move, or if you lay it down daily, it’s for sure something to do more than once.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you take the time to lay your burdens down…you don’t need them. They don’t serve you!

To leave it behind…

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This is the confident me. The numbing fear in my entire body might not be visible in this picture. The ropes course at Healing Odyssey retreat was more difficult and life changing than I had expected. I mentioned in my previous post how I wasn’t sure why I went to the retreat, I just knew I needed to go. After the first night, I thought, “Well, maybe I’m supposed to be here as support or encouragement for someone else.” (Because I couldn’t possibly need healing, right? Ha ha) I was telling my friends and family about the retreat and they all asked, “So, you didn’t know anybody? WHY did you go?!”

Partially, I believe I was supposed to meet these ladies from cabin 8. All are strong and powerful. Each with a unique cancer story and a unique life story… yet we all shared a common chapter to our stories: CANCER. It’s something that’s difficult to explain, yet if you’ve had/have cancer… you “get” it. You “get” the scanxiety felt with each scan and test and doctor appointment. You “get” the fear, the anger/frustration, the strength needed, the way it changes your life and the way people look at you. The list goes on and on. I didn’t know how powerful it would be to surround myself with over 30 other cancer survivors. I didn’t know I would cry in front of complete strangers. I didn’t know I would leave with a bunch of new friends… many of whom I won’t see in person again.

The other reason I went was revealed at the ropes course. I was 8th in line. I had a chance to see others go before me… each getting to a different point on the course. I had a chance to plan my goal. There were 4 ropes to reach towards to get to the end. My goal was to get to 3 … for my 3 guys. I tried to psych myself up for this. As I got hooked up and ready to climb, I had to stand at the bottom of the ladder and tell everyone what I was leaving behind. My hand started to shake and my voice quivered as I told the story about my journey of enough. I was leaving the idea that I’m not enough behind. I was leaving behind the “can’ts. Leaving behind doubts and fears & moving towards new adventures and a renewed sense of self. Once I dried my eyes, I started the climb up the ladder and then up the pegs.

Once I got to the top, I had to stand on a wire and reach for a rope. Easy, right? Nope. Not at all. This was my first ropes course. First time being 30 feet in the air, standing on a wire, attached to a harness and rope. I could hear the cheers and encouragement from below. I listened for the voices of those who had gone before me, telling me what to do next. As my legs trembled and the adrenaline rushed, I grabbed for the first rope. “I’m good, I’m done.”

I leaned back and descended back to earth. I was greeted with hugs and cheers and more tears.

It literally took hours for the adrenaline to leave and for me to calm back down again. It was intense, it was exhilarating & it was life changing. You may be thinking, “But you only got to the first rope. You wanted to get to 3.” Yes. That’s true. What I realized after it was over, was that the 1 rope I got to was for ME… not for my husband, my boys, my parents or my sisters… it was for me. You cannot pour from an empty cup. 1 was all I needed to believe I can. I left the can’ts behind.

After the ropes course, we went on a zipline. This was another thing I said I would never do – but after the morning, it seemed like a breeze! I didn’t have to balance, I just had to let go and enjoy the ride. What a feeling! The Mountain views were breath taking. The feeling of accomplishment was amazing.

So, why did I fly all the way to California, drive myself up a mountain, stay with 30+ strangers, go to sessions, hike in the mountains, do a ropes course, zipline and tell my story? To leave it behind… leave the doubt, the fears, the worry, the comparison, the feeling of being “not enough.” Am I completely free of these things? Maybe not. But nobody told me it was just stage 1. Nobody said it was just breast cancer. To everyone there, I was enough... and that feeling will carry me up many mountains in life. I will always remember the ladies I met at camp and the feeling of conquering those fears.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you have friends cheering you on from the sidelines. May you have voices to listen to of those who have gone before you. May you be a listening ear or a comforting shoulder to someone else. We are all in this together & you are enough.

But I’m not lost…

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This week I will embark on a solo trip. I’m flying out to California for a breast cancer survivor retreat. I found out about it from a group I follow on Facebook. Sometimes it helps to connect with people who share a similar part of their story. Everyone in the group has been impacted by breast cancer. One of the ladies highly recommended the retreat, so I looked into it a little more.

It’s very reasonably priced. They have it more than once per year. It’s called Healing Odessey. The retreats run from Friday to Sunday. I’d just need to get myself to CA in time. Oh, and drive up the mountains by myself. In the dark. Alone. Hmmm. I convinced myself I could do this. It might be one of the last things I do like this, since they are usually focused on women in the first 5 years since diagnosis. I booked my flight with airline miles, reserved hotel rooms before and after the retreat (using Holiday Inn points) & reserved a rental car. I’ll essentially be gone 5 days for a 3 day retreat, but I figured I’m worth it.

What am I hoping to get out of this? Am I going to find myself? Not really, I’m not lost. A weekend with strangers normally isn’t on my wish list. As an introvert, this gives me a little bit of anxiety. There are some reassuring things though: 1) Nobody knows me, so there is no “history” or story that they have about me. 2) I likely won’t ever see them again, so if they think I’m strange, I won’t run into them at Target next week. 3) I am going to take time on the flights and in the airport to read some books and just re-set.

  • Old me: I can’t take that time off from work.
  • New me: I need to take time for myself.
  • Old me: I need to be there for my kids.
  • New me: My kids need to see me also as an individual & trying new things.
  • Old me: My husband needs my help.
  • New me: He is completely capable of handling things at home. (He was before also, I’m just acknowledging it more now)
  • I think I’m ready. I’ll make sure to bring my passport/ID an empty water bottle. I’ll pack some headphones and plenty of books. I’ll throw my motion sickness pills in my purse and make sure I have plenty of gum. I’ll bring an open mind and an open heart. I believe things appear in our lives for a reason. I’m taking this opportunity to see what I’m supposed to learn from it.
  • Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you have the courage to say “yes” to something… even if it’s outside of your comfort zone, a little scary (in a good way), or might possibly make you nauseated. Sometimes great things happen just outside of our comfort zones.

  • Peas in a pod or peas and carrots?

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    One likes hunting. He learns about it and has patience to wait for them. The other would rather watch the deer and turkeys walk by or try to catch them.

    One likes fishing. He would fish all day if he could. The other would rather look for interesting shells or spy on turtles.

    One quit band. The other plays saxophone and guitar & has tried to write some songs.

    One struggles with school. The other is stressing out about his only “B.”

    One has curly brown hair. The other has straight blonde hair.

    One likes country music. The other prefers rock.

    One wears jeans, t-shirt and a hunting or fishing cap year round. The other wears a suit any chance he gets. (Opposite in this picture because of prom.)

    If you know my kids, you know which one is which. 2 boys from the same parents can end up being so different. I remember when we were going through fertility treatments (again) after having Dallas. I recall sobbing on the steps, “But what if he will never have a brother or sister?” I assumed they would get along. I assumed they would be similar kids. You know what happens when you ass-u-me?! Yep.

    I’m still thankful and I love them both. I cannot make them have things in common or want to spend time together. Sure, when they were little, they liked the same toys and movies. Then they developed their own personalities. Things changed. We ended up dividing our parenting time based on their interests. Cam would take Dallas fishing. I would go for walks with Myles and look for acorns or cool rocks. We still do plenty of activities together. It’s just different. In 2 years and 2 months, Dallas will graduate & things will change again. It’s hard to say where their paths will take them in life. I hope they stay in touch and find some more common bonds.

    These are the things they have in common as of now:

    • They both love French toast.
    • They both run cross country.
    • They both have blue eyes.
    • They both think Ironman is the best of the Marvel super heroes.
    • They both think they are competitive.
    • They both like the cat.
    • They both bow hunt left handed.

    We struggled to come up with this list of things they have in common. There might be more, but for now, they are finding their way and learning what they like. Parenting is more difficult than anyone prepares you for. For the past 12 & 16 years, I’ve tried to protect them and keep them safe… give them independence and skills to be on their own… but mostly, I’ve just tried to love them through it all. I feel like my relationship with God is the same way. Because of free will, I still make plenty of mistakes. Those mistakes teach me something… or if I wasn’t paying attention, I’ll get to experience/learn it again. God is like our parent… a safe place to land.

    My kids mess up. They aren’t perfect. They are learning there are people who will dwell on those mistakes and people who will forgive them. Regardless, I hope they know I am their safe place. I hope they know God is too. HE loves us through all of our differences and similarities. Peas in a pod or peas and carrots… he loves us just the same.

    Peace be with you on your journey of enough. If you’re in the middle of parenthood, just starting out, dealing with an empty nest or enjoying grand parenting, God will love you through it.

    Filling up on magic…

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    This past weekend, I spent some time in Superior,WI at a rustic camp (this is me by Lake Superior). 10 ladies and our leader, Jodie Harvala, spent Thursday to Sunday laughing, enjoying nature, hauling wood, bonding and exploring our Spirit side. We didn’t sing any church hymns, but we were at a Lutheran camp and did sing grace before every meal.

    When thinking of a Spirit retreat, my family instantly thinks of “church ladies”. While many of us do believe in God, it wasn’t the purpose of the weekend. We were working with the Spirit side of life – learning more about intuition and paying attention to messages. Before I lose you to an image of a giant cauldron in the woods, let me tell you more about it.

    We didn’t:

    • Cast any spells
    • Do anything related to voodoo
    • Perform any sacrifices
    • Use a magic wand

    We did:

    • Listen to our intuition
    • Connect with like minded souls
    • Laugh until our sides hurt
    • Cry happy and sad tears
    • Release regrets and fears
    • Challenge each other to grow
    • Learn and expand
    • Play “hide & seek”
    • Hike through the forest
    • Observe the power of a waterfall
    • Feed chickadees & squirrels

    I could go on and on, yet it’s hard to explain at the same time. I hauled wood in the snow with two friends I hadn’t seen in a while. We laughed and listened to Christmas music and felt like little kids again as the snow fell gently down. It looked like we were inside a snow globe. I met some new friends whom I might not have crossed paths with otherwise. I shared my story and was challenged to write a new one. We talked about big dreams, past hurts, lost loved ones and the messages they send us. We wrote down our regrets and fears and released them in the wood fireplace. We wrote down our dreams and all of the things we are thankful for. It was magical.

    I think we get caught in the day-to-day grind and we end up empty. If we don’t fill ourselves back up, we have nothing left to give to others. Was it hard to leave my family for a weekend? Yep. Did they do OK without me? Yep. And I returned refilled with magic and hope, forgiveness and love. Our journey isn’t meant to be walked alone. Find those people who KNOW that you are enough. Let them remind you how magical you are. I wish you peace on your journey of enough & enough magic to fill you up.

    Thank you for a magical weekend!

    Robbie’s Hope

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    I believe in God. I always have. There are some things I would like to ask him about though. The list is long, but here are a few:

    1. Why do we have extra body parts that we can live without (appendix, gallbladder etc)?

    2. Why can’t we turn on and off our ability to have kids?

    3. What on earth do I need hair on the top of my nose for?!

    One of my biggest questions is:

    4. Why do we lose loved ones too soon?

    There has been a lot of deaths lately. A couple of weeks ago, a friend I grew up with in 4-H posted a link on Facebook. Her nephew had passed away. He was 15. (The same age as my oldest son.) Everyone loved him. He was an active kid, outgoing, smiled a lot. But he was silently struggling with depression. Behind that smile, he was not OK. He died by suicide while his parents were at teacher conferences hearing about how great he was. Instead of taking him to swimming, they had to plan a funeral. They had to figure out what his wishes were. They could have easily lost themselves in grief. (I tend to think that’s what I would do.) Instead, they were called to action.

    They started “Robbie’s Hope” with the intention of bringing more awareness to teen depression & suicide. They later learned of the acronym for HOPE: Hold On, Pain Ends. Their GoFundMe page has raised over $75,000 to help get awareness and prevention programs started in Colorado.

    gofundme.com/robbieshope

    Even more amazing – all of the conversations it has sparked. I’ve talked to both of my boys about this. I’m sure many others have also had conversations they didn’t think they would have with their kids. If you haven’t had that conversation yet, do it NOW. Please let them know to talk to parents, coaches, school counselors, teachers, pastors, relatives… anyone who will listen. Robbie’s parents thought he was OK.

    “It’s ok to not be ok. It’s not ok not to tell anyone.” This is a message that his family wants to be sure you hear. “Not ok” is normal. The photo shopped and Instagram perfect looking people have issues too. Talk to someone & get some help. Suicide is not the answer. There are many people who love you.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=share&v=9kipGOGRT4g

    After showing him the news story on Robbie, my oldest son said, “It’s true. I’m sure there are a lot of people struggling. Mom, guys are the worst. Nobody wants to talk about feelings.” If that’s true, how do we change it? How do we make it ok for guys to open up? How do we encourage them to support each other? They are constantly bombarded with not being enough. Not a nice enough truck, not a big enough deer, not a fancy enough boat, not smart enough… and he’s 15. It’s a completely different scenario from when I was 15. Instead of someone talking bad about you on Instagram, they stuck a mean (hand written) note in your locker. Bullying and depression aren’t the same thing. Talking to someone is a good first step for both.

    We need to believe them. We need to support them. We need to be present with them. Sometimes our journeys take us places we don’t want to go. We need to get the message out so fewer parents have to plan funerals. It’s ok to not be ok. It’s NOT ok to not tell anyone you’re not ok.

    The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.

    Peace be with you on your journey of enough. You are loved. You are important.