Tag: #breathe

Let me know how I can help…

On By journeyofenough1 Comment

A friend of mine was recently diagnosed with cancer. This is never an easy thing to hear, but in the midst of a pandemic, it can be especially overwhelming. In the past 5 years, I’ve had many people reach out to me after a friend or loved one was diagnosed. They want to know what they can do to help their loved one. I don’t feel like an expert. I don’t have a medical or psychology degree. I’ve written about it before but it’s a good reminder. And, if you’re willing to share this post, it might help someone else too.

For the person diagnosed: This is scary. It doesn’t matter who you are. When you hear those words, your heart stops. The doctor may sound like the teacher from the Peanuts cartoon show “wa wa, blah blah blah.” You can’t process those things. It’s all going to be a blur. Here is my humble advice. some of it I did and some I wish I would have.

  • Get a notebook. Take it with you to each appointment or treatment. Keep it in your purse or by your bed to write down questions- you will have a lot of them and you will forget 90% of them when you walk in the doctor’s office. Write down what the doctor or nurse says. It’s super helpful.
  • It is not your job to give people a “to do list.” People will say, “Let me know how I can help.” If you do think of something, great… but do not feel like you have to give a list or task to everyone. Also, some people just say that and don’t really mean it.
  • It is your job to accept help. This takes pressure off of you and lets your loved ones feel like they are contributing to your fight. If someone close to you can let people know what you need, it’s up to them to figure out the ‘how.’ My mom, sister and nieces came to clean my house before I started treatments. It was great. I’ll have some ideas for the helpers below. Just know you can and should accept help. It does not make you weak, it allows you to focus on getting better.
  • Find someone who does Reiki or Healing Touch. I learned about this later, but it’s really good, helpful and soothing. Also, yoga Nidra is like a deep relaxed state – not the yoga you’re thinking of. It will help keep you calm during treatments and ease some anxiety.
  • People around you will not know what to say. Some will fall away and you won’t hear from them. Others will show up at your door with a hot dish and a smile. I wasn’t prepared for the people who ignored me. I’m sure they were uncomfortable and they didn’t know the right words, but it was surprising. It’s ok. Focus on you, your health and recovery.
  • There will be expenses you aren’t prepared for. Even insurance companies who seem good will deny coverage for strange things. Accept financial help. It will ease some burden and worry. It’s also an easy way for people to help and support you.
  • Scan-xiety is a real thing. It’s also something they don’t prepare you for. You will likely be anxious or moody before a scan or test. It’s ok to talk about it. The Reiki/breathing techniques do help, but it’s still a real thing years later. It does get better!

For the people looking to support the patient, here again is some humble advice.

  • Just do something. Don’t wait around for the perfect thing to do – just reach out. Send a card, letter, gift card or care package. They will appreciate it, but they might be overwhelmed or exhausted & not get a thank you note sent.
  • Instead of asking what you can do, offer options. “I’d like to bring dinner on Tuesday. Does that night work for you? Would hotdish or meatballs be better?”
  • Ask if you can set up a Meal Train. It’s a great way for people to sign up for meals. The recipient can state how many people to feed, if there are allergies or foods they don’t like. Keep in mind, if someone is going through chemo, their tastebuds will be different. They may have family or caregivers though who still need to eat.
  • Care package ideas: notebooks, plain note cards, stamps, cash, gift or gas cards, books (Jesus Calling was one of my favorites), prayer blanket, movies, tea, lip balm, unscented lotion (my sense of smell went crazy and I couldn’t handle strong scents), something with meaning between the two of you, travel pillow, hard candies, water bottle, planner, comfy socks/slippers etc. I got button up pj’s for after surgery because it was difficult to raise my arms. If you know them well, make it personal & meaningful.
  • Ask if there is an errand you can run for them… “I’m going to get groceries, what can I get for you?” “What day could I fill your vehicle for you?”
  • This is difficult for them. Don’t make it about you. Don’t look at them like they’re broken or dying. Don’t leave them. They need your support and prayers.
  • Remember the caregiver and family. This is super hard on them also. They are scared too. Find ways to reach out and help, distract the kids etc. (this is more challenging now but you can get creative.)

This is probably more than you wanted to know, but it’s for sure not everything. Everyone is different, with different diagnoses, different personalities, and different needs. Maybe it will help someone going through cancer, their caregivers or their loved ones. Please share it if you feel it could help someone else.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. You are not alone, and you are worth fighting for!

You don’t know what you’ve got…

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5 years ago, while still healing from radiation, I stepped wrong going down the stairs and broke my foot. I remember thinking that I never realized I take “walking with ease” for granted. I tried to use crutches, but it rubbed on my already raw skin, making it nearly unbearable. 20 rounds of radiation had peeled away layers of skin right where the crutches sat under my arm. A friend suggested a knee scooter. What a game changer! Now I could get around more easily, but since I couldn’t put weight on my broken left foot, it still made it a challenge to get around. It was better, but wow did I appreciate my foot the first day I could wear regular shoes. I kind of forget about it until it comes up in my Facebook memories.

This week is both nurse appreciation week and teacher appreciation week. I have 2 sisters… a nurse and a teacher. While their jobs are much easier to explain than mine is, their jobs certainly aren’t easier to do. I think many people across the world are realizing the impact of teachers and nurses. Many of us are trying to help our kids do distance/remote learning. We are now how I was when I broke my foot – not realizing what I had until it was gone.

But it’s not “gone” … the teachers are putting in even more hours to try and connect with kids virtually, following up with emails, Zoom or Google meets, sending kids notes, etc. Some parents are looking for the scooter to make it easier, but it’s still a challenge. It’s difficult to explain to kids why they can’t hang out with friends. It’s hard to see them miss the connections with their teachers and classmates. Heart warming stories of unique ways students and teachers are connecting are popping up all over. Look for those stories. I’m thankful for my teacher sister.

Nurses are also getting much more respect and admiration. Many nurses are holding the hands of those who are sick. They are the last person a dying patient sees. They are managing their other patients, trying to keep them safe and get them healthy. They are trying to manage their PPE, when most of us recently learned what that means. They are volunteering to help other hospitals & working long hours. They are staying separated from their families because of their exposure to high risk patients. They are saying prayers for their patients and coworkers and themselves. They are cheered in big cities, and hopefully appreciated in small cities also. We are giving them a scooter by sewing masks or donating meals. I am thankful for my nurse sister.

There are a lot of things we are realizing that we miss right now. The hair stylists, the full church, the corner bar, the favorite restaurant, the handshakes and hugs … all have more meaning when we feel them missing in our lives. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you stop for a moment and thank a teacher or a nurse, but don’t stop there. There are so many people to be grateful for. You are one of them. Hang in there!

What day is it?

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Seriously, since mid-March, 90% of the time, I have no idea what day of the week it is. Very rarely do I know the date. This is a bit of a challenge when I’m trying to keep track of school assignments, work schedules, blog posts and birthdays. The last two months have flown by and crawled at a snail’s pace all at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a time warp, or living some alternate reality. I’m aware this is a historic time, yet I’m not doing anything memorable or interesting. All of our summer plans are cancelled… county fair, state fair, fishing camp, Bible camp, Dude Perfect show… all of it. We aren’t sure if we will be able to go camping or not.

We are gardening, cleaning up outside, going for walks & fishing. Oh, and chickens. The chickens have been loving their tractor. I’m not sure why it has that name. Maybe because they drive around? They peck the bugs and grass and weeds and we drive them to their next spot. Some days I just want to stick my head in the sand and go watch chickens. Some days it’s productive and feels normal.

I run out of things to say. I run out of ways to motivate myself and my kids. I get overwhelmed by “do’s and don’ts” and the latest reports. We all have different opinions. At first, we seemed so unified, and we heard inspiring stories. The hearts in my window are sun faded. It seems the dividing lines, negativity and mean comments get more attention lately. When I feel those creeping in, I try to think of something positive, but I’m probably reaching for a snack instead. So today, I don’t have an inspiring story or words of wisdom… I just have me. Honestly floundering and just trying to remind myself that I am enough. You are too. Hang in there. I wish you peace on your journey of enough. We will get through this.

Summer dreams…

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This is the Long Prairie River. It’s less than a mile from my house in Minnesota. As we went for a walk last week, I snapped a photo. The browns and tans of the cattails and trees will soon give way to lush green grass and leaves. This river is popular to tube down in the summer. It’s as beautiful and relaxing as you can imagine. The water is clear and you can see fish swimming beneath you as you float down the river. It’s not wide, it’s not flashy and it’s not easily accessible. There are only a few spots to get in and out of the river (which feels more like a stream). There is something about it that I love. Actually, lots of things… usually, it’s filled with family and friends, cool drinks and sometimes music. It’s peaceful and calm, a perfect way to decompress. We’ve floated down with different groups of people. Sometimes we’ve been floating with full sun, sometimes it’s on the verge of thunderstorms and sometimes the wind picks up and makes the floating a challenge.

I long for the days when we can float down again. It’s not an option right now for a couple of reasons… 1) You’d freeze your back end off because the ice came off the lake not too long ago 2) There is the issue of social distance and not wanting to wear a mask while river floating. Last Tuesday we had snow, but last weekend it was in the mid 60’s and we planted our garden. Mother Nature isn’t sure what season it is yet, but we are hoping for a great summer. We are hoping to see our friends and family again in person. I’ve struggled off and on, as I’m sure most people have. There is a big mental health piece of this pandemic that is skimmed over, but not widely talked about. I’m not a mental health expert or professional. I’m just a mom, wife & employee trying to keep kids on track with school, figure out what to feed everyone and work from home with limited internet.

“Pandemic Mavis” doesn’t get ready every day, she’s hit or miss with make up, she is overwhelmed with planning meals and she’s a little tired of being around only males (ha ha). “Pandemic Mavis” also has sewn many masks for friends and family, planted her garden, gone for walks and sewn up her injured chicken. This last 6 weeks has been a roller coaster. I feel guilty for being overwhelmed because I am thankful I have a job. I feel like the worst mom in the world when my kids don’t turn in their school work, and elated when they get back on track. I feel worried about being high risk, but isolated being at home. I feel bad for gaining weight, but I don’t want to make big changes in the middle of all of this.

Things that have made me feel better:

  • Talking with sisters
  • Video chat with friends
  • Calling parents
  • Going for walks
  • Spending time outside
  • My pets (cat and chickens)
  • Helping others

I hope you are coping well. I hope you have the support network you need. I hope you will take a moment to take a deep breath and find something to be thankful for. Give some grace to yourself and those around you. I hope you are able to stay safe and healthy. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May your dreams of summer keep you sustained and positive, but not COVID19 positive!

Grace, peace and chickens of course…

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If you know me or have read my blogs, you know that I have chickens. Right now it’s 6 hens and 1 rooster. (The picture is of them in their “chicken tractor” a it allows them to scratch and peck during the day and we move them to the coop at night). We started out with 10 total – 4 roosters, 6 hens. We gave away 2 roosters, then 2 more, then got one back because he wasn’t getting along with his brothers (& the hens missed their dude). Anyway, I’m part of a couple of “backyard chicken” groups on Facebook. People have a wide variety of experience & opinions when it comes to their chickens. Some free range, some have elaborate coops, some bake cornbread for their chickens, some let them forage on their own. Ask a question about roosters crowing or insulating your coop & you’ll get a wide variety of answers. Not all of them are nice.

Being a chicken mom parallels motherhood in many ways. For as many opinions there about chicken coop runs and how to protect from predators, there are opinions on parenting and how to be a “good parent.” What does that even mean? Good parent? Good chicken mom? The Covid-19 situation has brought distance learning into our vocabulary. Our kids navigate remote classes and homework that is 100% at home. The teachers work hard to try and put together meaningful content, respond to a bunch more emails, do a Google chat or Google meet or whatever, often while trying to manage their own kids. It’s not easy. None of it is easy. I’m thankful to be working from home, and I’m thankful to have a job. I still stress about not meeting expectations of my work, my boys or my husband. I still look at the moms who have schedules or charts for their kids and feel a pang of jealousy. Is that what being a good mom is? I miss my extended family. I miss giving my parents a hug or seeing my sister in person. But I am staying home for them. If I was an unknown carrier and got someone sick, I’d feel horrible. The day will come when I can give them all a big hug. And I’m 100% certain there will be happy tears involved.

You’ll see a bunch of posts about what you should be doing during the pandemic. This isn’t one of them. We all have our own journey. If you have pizza delivered instead of cooking, I won’t judge. If you need to take a walk outside to clear your head, I won’t judge (as long as you’re 6 feet apart.) If you declare it a cereal day, pajama day or double coffee day, I’m not judging. You do whatever you need to do. As long as you’re not harming anyone or yourself, it’s all good. I don’t comment in my chicken groups what people should be doing, and I won’t make you feel bad here either. We need lots of love, compassion and grace… with our kids, spouses, teachers, coworkers, neighbors and ourselves. We are all doing new things, and that’s ok.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. We could all use a little extra grace and peace right now.

From planting to Dip n Dots…

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Radishes planted April 11

There is an old wives tale about planting potatoes on Good Friday. I couldn’t find much info on why this started… seems like a strange thing, since Good Friday is not on the same day each year. It’s not even close. In MN, Good Friday weather might be nice or we might have a bunch of snow. Last year, we had a bunch of snow. This year, it was kind of nice here, 30 to 40 degrees. We got the planting spots tilled and were ready to plant – much earlier than we have in the past. The first picture is 7 rows of radishes!

New seed planter

This handy little planter has different size wheels to plant the seeds and cover them up. I admit I was skeptical at first. My husband saw this and thought it would be great for our little farm. I didn’t think it was necessary. Maybe part of me longed for the days when my boys were little and would use a ruler to plant peas. They’d carefully lay the ruler in the dirt and space them 2” apart (learning to count by 2’s). I’ll admit though, usually by the end of the planting, we’d both be kind of tired and impatient. At that time, our garden was 24×24. The boys and the garden have both grown. Time to speed up the planting process! This worked well, saved our backs, and planted radish seeds in a fraction of the time it normally would. We shouldn’t need to thin them as much either, since the seeds are spaced as they should be.

6 rows of potatoes

Our potatoes weren’t planted on Good Friday, but the very next day. 6 rows of potatoes went in on Saturday. We’ve been married almost 25 years and I don’t think we’ve ever planted potatoes. We’ve planted sweet potatoes, but not “regular” potatoes. 2 rows of russet, 2 rows of red, and 2 rows of golden/Yukon were planted this year. We’ll see how it goes. We should have potatoes for the Farmer’s Market this year. My husband is busy getting the other seeds organized, tomatoes and cucumbers started inside, and planning out our garden layout. Our asparagus and rhubarb will soon be up, the raspberries are starting to bud, and the ground is ready for seeds. Our farm name is Frueh Market (our last name is pronounced “free” even though it doesn’t look like it should be). We are expanding and learning each year. This year will look different from what we anticipated, but it will still be good.

4-14-20 snow

3 days ago, we planted, and today it snows! Weather in MN is unpredictable. The weather here has been much like our feelings on the “stay at home” order. It’s sunny one minute, look out again and it’s snowing. Wait a few minutes and it’s clear again. Yesterday we had snow that looked like Dip n Dots. We know the snow won’t last much longer, but we are yearning for green grass and warm weather. Our birds are confused about what season it should be, but hold on birdies, this weekend will be 30 degrees warmer! We are yearning to be with friends and family, to be back to normal, even though it won’t look the same.

I’m wishing you peace on your journey of enough. Hold onto hope of brighter days ahead and take a deep breath. You are loved.

Distance learning, bear hunts and window hearts…

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Our cat, Toothless sits by the window next to a bear and a bunch of hearts. The bear is in the window in case any kids in our neighborhood go on a “bear hunt” while out for a walk. We also try to go for a walk every day. We keep our distance, but enjoy the fresh air and exercise. We are adding more hearts to our windows as part of #aworldofhearts. Hopefully it brings someone else as much joy as it brings to me.

Part of me wants to document this pandemic and the impact it’s having, but another part of me is just overwhelmed. My anxiety has eased somewhat by being able to work from home. But I still worry about my family and their health & safety. In the last 12 days, I’ve been in my vehicle twice. Once to mail packages and once to deliver FFA fruit and see my friends from their pickup. It’s all so strange. Yesterday, we tried distance learning for the first time… us and a million other kids and teachers. The system crashed a few times, but hopefully they will get it figured out. All 4 of us online & at home was interesting, but we will get through it.

Some things I’m not doing:

  • I’m not driving daily to work. I save 40 minutes per day, at least. I’m thankful to work from home.
  • I’m not wandering around Target and spending $100 when I only came in for shampoo. My husband picks up what we need, with no browsing.
  • I’m not filling my vehicle (see bullet point 1). I’ve gone on more walks in the last 2 weeks than I have in a long time.
  • I’m not spending extra time walking to the lunch room or restroom. They are both pretty close by in my home (hence the need for walks!)
  • I’m not taking a lunch, going out to eat or having snacks all day. I’m able to eat at home & surprisingly snack less.
  • I’m not seeing many other people. My family may get kind of sick of me.

I’m also not making a chore chart, learning a new skill or organizing my closets yet. I am trying to make sure we have the resources to function in the “distance learning or e-learning” environment as much as we can. I’m trying to be as productive as possible and still remember to get up and move. I’m a planner. I’ve planned things for as long as I can remember. There is no “standard work” or set of instructions for what we are going through. It can be overwhelming.

I wish I had some inspiring words. I guess I will leave you with the things I’d want to hear: 1) You are loved. 2) You are safe. 3) You are enough. Hang some hearts in your windows, put a bear for kids to find, and wash your hands. We will get through this. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. (And don’t forget to breathe!)

I didn’t breathe…

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This was me on Saturday at my niece’s wedding. It was 90 degrees in ND on a hot summer night. The gym (where the reception & dance were held) was air conditioned, but it just couldn’t keep up with having over 300 people, the humid weather and doors opening. The humidity isn’t the reason why I didn’t breathe. I didn’t breathe because I was running around, trying to make it all perfect, and I failed to fully take it all in. The day went by almost as fast as my own wedding and I didn’t stop and take a breath.

My oldest sister’s oldest daughter got married Saturday. My husband and I were asked to be a host couple, and I offered to bake cupcakes. My love language is “acts of service,” followed by “words of affirmation.” People who know me will totally understand. I like to “do” and to help. (If baking was a love language, that would be on the list too. We made around 400 cupcakes with homemade frosting.) I’m not sure what a typical host couple does at weddings, but my planning & control freak sides take over and I become the Energizer bunny. I helped with my nephew’s wedding a few years ago also. The reception was in the same place, so I was somewhat familiar. It’s an old school, no longer used as a school but as an antique shop and community center. The gym is beautiful and makes a great wedding reception venue. The town itself isn’t really even a town anymore. They don’t appear on the list of ND town census. There is literally one street. I think there are 2 or 3 houses.

Big dark thunderstorm clouds loomed on the horizon as we took some family pictures outside. The temperature dropped a few degrees, and it appeared as though we would get drenched, but the rains stayed away. The wedding was beautiful. My niece was stunning and her groom had the biggest smile… just as it should be. She had planned everything, had a budget, an itinerary, and a vision of how things would look. It all looked magical. Everyone seemed to have a good time. It was hot, but we had lots of bottled water for the guests. There were snacks and bars and hundreds of cupcakes.

“You should really sit down.” I’m pretty sure I heard that phrase 20 times that night. In my mind, a good event is one where things are tidy and there are extra paper towels and toilet paper and the garbages are taken care of. The snack table is refilled, the lemonade is cold, there is plenty of water and the tables are cleared of plates & cups and half eaten bars. That was my job, at least in my head. For as many times as someone told me to stop running around, my niece and her new husband said, “thank you.” A sincere, loving, heart felt appreciation for what was being done… so they could just enjoy their wedding.

One of my aunts sent me a note the next day. She said, “I watched you scan the room and take care of every detail.” I didn’t do this for recognition or praise. I did it as an act of service. A few years ago, after my brother-in-law’s farm accident, we didn’t know if he’d get to walk his daughter down the aisle… but he did. I also

did this for him and my sister, so they could also enjoy the night.

I did dance a few songs with my husband. (We can two step to almost anything.) I wish I would have stopped a little more though, just to breathe deep. I should have taken it all in. I should have absorbed that love and joy and newness of marriage.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you stop and take a breath amidst the chaos. May you look for the good and focus on the blessings. The more you focus on the blessings, the more abundant they become. They sure were abundant for these newlyweds. Wishing them many years of wedded bliss. I’d do it all again, but next time, I’ll breathe more.

Eraser tip that makes you hold your breath…

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An eraser tip. You know what I’m talking about. It’s usually perched on the top of a #2 pencil. But why hold your breath? Are you taking a test? Kind of…

As a cancer survivor, self checks are important but scary. A few weeks ago, I felt a lump on my left side. This was the side I had cancer on, had a lumpectomy & radiation. I thought maybe it was my imagination… maybe it wasn’t new. Maybe it was scar tissue. Maybe if I don’t think about it or talk about it, it won’t happen. If thoughts become things, I don’t want this to be either. So I told nobody. Not one person. I knew my oncology follow up was coming up soon, so I’d have it checked then.

Breathe…

My appointment was on a Friday afternoon. It works out well because I miss less work and the parking is way better also. I assured everyone it was a routine check up and it wouldn’t take long. When I mentioned the lump to the Dr, his face turned serious. He knew that an eraser tip could change my life again. He could feel the lump I was talking about & immediately called to see if they could get an ultrasound done yet that same day (Friday afternoon, what are the odds?). Odds or spirit or God or good vibes- something was working because I got in right away. It was 4:30 by the time I got up there. I knew the routine, but I still felt like I was holding my breath.

Breathe…

Cold ultrasound gel goes on. “Oh, this spot here?”… yep – not my imagination. “It’s probably nothing.” Forgive me for not believing you, but I’ve heard that before (I said in my head). She went to talk to the Dr. Then the Dr came in to look for herself. She pointed the screen towards me and explained what she was seeing… normal tissue, muscle & the lump… it was just a fatty tissue. Nothing to worry about.

Breathe…

Routine breast MRI was coming due soon also. I asked if I could have it done here to save me a trip. Sure enough, they could get me in the following Thursday. Excellent! Again, supposed to be routine, but this would see deeper & clearer and be confirmation of how good things are. This MRI room had headphones so you could hear music along with the loud noises of the machine. Nice. For this MRI, you lay on your stomach… arms above your head, chest through two holes in the bottom & you go in head first. It takes about 30-40 min. My mind drifted and raced and calmed.

Breathe…

I was back to work by 9:30am. Excellent. Now to wait. I was surprised to see the Sanford number show up as a missed call and voice mail at 11am. Ugh. Voice mail? They don’t call that quick and not with good news. I called back. “Your MRI was all clear.” 5 words that made me feel like cheering. Wheew.

Breathe…

In 6 months, I’ll have a mammogram again, but until then, I can breathe. I may never look at an eraser the same way again though. One thing I’m learning is to stop and breathe. On your journey of enough may you take the time to breathe deeply. Whatever you’re going through, stop and take a good deep breath. You’re alive, you’re here, and you are enough. Exhale.

Just breathe…

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How long can you hold your breath? Just recently, I held mine for 8 days. Not literally of course, but it sure felt like it.

Last Thursday, I had my follow up MRI. I had one last January before my lumpectomy. (The one last January found 2 spots that the mammogram had missed. One was pre-cancer & was removed. The other was not cancer and was just “marked” with a metal clip so they can watch it.) I wasn’t expecting anything to come from the one last week. I went in, asked for extra ear protection (I highly recommend it) – & spent 30 min visualizing the lake. For this type of MRI, you are on your stomach, with your chest through the table. I did just fine & went back to work after. I was hoping to just get a letter in the mail 7-10 days later. 

I was shocked when the surgeon called me at home after supper. “There is a spot/nodule on your right breast (opposite from previous cancer) that has changed since last year. We will want to have you come in and check it out.” It would be Thursday before I could get in for an ultrasound & possible biopsy. The waiting game sucks. I had kind of forgotten how much it stinks. I didn’t want to alarm my kids. As honest as I was throughout my cancer, I just simply didn’t know enough to tell them anything yet. I’d deal with that if I needed to when that time came. 

I had the distraction of a weekend with family for Easter and then back to work for more waiting. I talked with the Roger Maris Cancer Center’s psych Dr on Monday. She talked about prayer & meditation & ways to get me through to Thursday without going too stir crazy. You see, this type of thing is what (most) cancer survivors fear. It’s what nobody talks about or prepares you for. The “what ifs”… What if the cancer comes back, what if it metastasized, what if I can’t tell  that something changed etc etc. This is the kind of thing that I wasn’t prepared to deal with. As much as I remained positive & strong through my cancer, fear over took me this time. I did ok (not super, but ok) until Wednesday. The day before the ultrasound & biopsy I was a bit of a mess. Only a handful of people knew about it, but those who did were sending up some pretty big prayers. Songs would come on the radio that made me teary. The thought of having to tell my kids again made my heart ache. 

Thursday came & I spent an hour of the morning having reiki to try and calm and balance me. I had breakfast with my aunt & she came with me to the ultrasound. Being a cancer survivor herself, she knew what to expect. They let her come in with me for the ultrasound. The spot they were looking for was deep, closer to the chest wal. It was difficult to find, which was good and bad. The Dr came in to look and said that if I was anyone else, with no history of cancer, they’d just wait and see. He also said that he realized I’d probably worry for 6 months if I decided to just wait, so he would do the biopsy. Yes, please. Peace of mind is worth the temporary pain. Plus it was already scheduled so I could do it right away. 

This is my 4th biopsy (3 last year.) They put lidocaine in to numb it, then go in with a long needle to get a sample. Then they put a tiny clip in that spot to mark it for future reference. One that’s done, they have to put pressure on your chest for 15 minutes. Yep, that’s as fun as it sounds…not fun. Awkward small talk etc. After that, they do a mammogram again to see that the clip is in place. They send you on your way with ice packs in your bra. Time to rest. It would be Monday before they had results. Initially the Dr thought it looked good, so I should be relieved. Since I’ve heard, “I’m sure it’s nothing” before and they were wrong, I would wait until I got the call to celebrate.

I didn’t have to wait until Monday. The Dr called tonight with good news that the biopsy wasn’t cancer. It was inflammatory tissue (& other words that I didn’t hear because I was still just absorbing the good news.) Yahooooo! NOW I can smile, be relieved & celebrate! 

And I can breathe…

Peace be with you on your journey of enough.