Tag: #breathe

When the elephant in the room sits on you…

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“Horton Hears a Who” is a cute book & good movie. This lovable large elephant is what comes to mind when I think about anxiety. I’ve talked before about “the elephant in the room” being cancer… It makes people uncomfortable to talk about it. Anxiety is another elephant. This one can make it feel like the elephant is sitting on your chest. The pressure on your chest or throat can seem very real. It almost makes it hard to move. Sometimes the elephant’s trunk wraps around your throat while he’s sitting on you. It’s hard to be mad at such a cute elephant. I mean, look at that smile! 

Have you ever felt this way? If not, then please be thankful for that. It’s a crummy feeling. I switch between wanting to cry, scream or run away. Anxiety & depression aren’t talked about much, but they are getting more attention. For years, I thought it must be my fault. I should be able to just snap out of it. I would take medication and then think I was fine, so I could go off. Then I’d have anxiety attacks and realize I need some help keeping that harmony. My “tool box” (to keep my elephant in another room) is filled with support, medication, meditation, and grounding in nature.

Many people are feeling the weight of the elephant right now. If it’s not you, there is likely someone in your circle with an elephant they won’t talk about. Sit with them (even virtually)… hold space for them. I didn’t know what that phrase meant a few years ago. To me, “holding space” means to be there for someone without judgement… just to hold the space for them to process, and not try to fix it. When I reach out to my circle, letting them know I’m having a tough day, I’m acknowledging my feelings. It’s not a weakness and I don’t need to be fixed. I just need support that day.

Many of us are trying to hold it all together. Be kind, choose love and don’t assume you know someone else’s story. I wish you peace on your journey of enough. It’s a cute movie, but none of us want Horton on our chest!

Curd, curd, curd ugh…

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Photo from Culver’s web site

I’m almost 47, and up until a few years ago, I had never tried a cheese curd. Being from the Midwest, cheese curds are pretty popular. Warm and crispy fried cheese… yummy, right? I could not get over the name. Curd. I could NOT bring myself to try it. Here’s the back story… when my sisters’ kids (& my boys) were babies, and they would spit up milk, my mom would call it curds. So I equated the word with puke. Makes sense why I wouldn’t want to eat that, right? For some reason if they would have been called cheese nuggets, I would have tried these tasty fried cheese balls long ago.

A couple weeks ago, I asked my Facebook friends to tell me what words made them cringe. Some words got more than one vote.

  • Ain’t
  • Hate
  • Panties
  • Ufda
  • Meltdown
  • Moist
  • Phlegm
  • Visceral
  • Smear/smeared
  • Seen
  • Littles
  • ScheelDs
  • Utilize
  • Supposably instead of supposedly
  • “You got this”

Words are powerful. They can be powerfully negative or powerfully positive. The ones listed above are annoying. They probably make you cringe just reading them. Phlegm is a very visual word to me. Many of these trigger an emotion or an event that makes them not pleasing.

But what if I asked the opposite question? What words make you feel happy or spark JOY? Would we have more of those in common, or are they tied to experiences also? Mine would be (in no particular order):

  • Sunshine
  • Babies
  • Joy
  • Gingerbread
  • Family
  • Peace
  • Fall
  • Laughter, giggles
  • Kittens
  • Chickens
  • Lazy River
  • Purrr

You get the idea. Something shaped those feelings tied to the words. Gingerbread makes me think of my mom and warm gingerbread cake with hot lemon pudding. Lazy River makes me think of floating down the river with friends. Fall makes me think of the crisp air and the beautiful leaves. Giggles makes me think of baby giggles or the way my grandpa would giggle. Just pure joy. Chickens make me think of my fluffy hens and what goofy personalities they have.

Words are powerful, my friends. Use them wisely. Don’t let them drive a wedge between those you love. Words can bring comfort to a friend who is struggling or to someone who feels alone. They can lift up someone’s day or completely ruin it. They can inspire and motivate or be crushing. As a writer, I search for the right words… the ones to peak someone’s interest or make a post worth sharing.

I’m encouraging you to add more positive words to your day. You might make someone else’s day too. I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May your words be kind. Oh, and try a cheese curd. Seriously. They are delicious. Just call them cheese nuggets or cheese balls, and you’ll be fine.

Less than?

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From cdc.gov: Adults of any age with the following conditions are at increased risk of severe illness from the virus that causes COVID-19:

Based on what we know at this time, adults of any age with the following conditions might be at an increased risk for severe illness from the virus that causes COVID-19:

My BMI is 31. I’m obese. I’d like to say that you can’t tell by looking at me, but maybe that’s denial. So technically, if I got Covid, I’d be considered a person with an underlying health condition. The people who dismiss illness or deaths because the person had an underlying health condition frustrate me. Do you fall in any of these categories? Smoker? Overweight? High blood pressure? If you do, that does not mean you deserve to get COVID19. And it certainly doesn’t mean it’s ok if you die from it. You are not less than. My cancer is gone, my blood pressure is borderline ok & I’ve gotten rid of almost 20lbs, but I’d still have that label.

My head swims with worry, not fear. Worry for my dad who has cancer, my mom who will be his caregiver, my sister and niece who are exposed in the healthcare field, my sister, niece & friends who are teachers, my friend who is high risk, my friend who is going through chemo, my sons and husband, my extended family… the list goes on. As an intuitive introvert, I crave harmony. I want everyone to stay safe and healthy. I don’t feel like anyone is less deserving of life if they have an underlying issue.

We don’t know everyone’s story. We don’t know their history or what issues they have now or have had in the past. You are enough and you are worthy of good health. I wish you peace on your journey of enough… May you have compassion for others and share the peace of you have some extra. Take care!

Letting go…

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There is a saying, “Autumn leaves show us how beautiful it is to let things go.” This past weekend, we took a spontaneous trip to Itasca State Park. Last minute fishing trip for my husband and oldest son meant a chance for me and the youngest son to explore the state park. We’ve been there before, but usually in the summer. Fall in MN is just magical. The trees are brilliant yellows, oranges, reds and browns. We met up with some friends and hiked the trails through the woods where bikes aren’t allowed. It was a perfect, crisp fall day. The sun was shining, the leaves were beautiful and the fallen leaves were crunching beneath our feet. It smelled like fall. If fall has a smell, that was it – crisp air, fallen leaves, slight breeze.

The kids (my son and my friend’s two girls) complained a little about the length of the hike. Some photo stops, finding walking sticks and the many leaf colors distracted them a bit from the amount of miles we were walking. My friend and I just breathed in deeply… soaking it in. “They need this,” we both agreed. Spending hours online for school, they needed the connection with nature. We did too. To be grounded with the earth, breathing in fresh air, soaking up the silence…. all just good for our souls.

If there was a place that was fall year round, I’d move there. But it’s part of the cycle… letting go (fall), being still (winter), regrowth (spring) and abundance (summer). One of the benefits of living here is our distinct season changes. It’s one of the reasons I put up with winter.

What are you letting go of this fall? Fear? Anger? Frustration? Busyness? Self doubt? We get so wrapped up in being busy, we forget the value of being still and connecting with nature. I hope you are able to be outside, breathe fresh air and soak up some sunshine before our days turn colder and shorter. Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

I blinked…

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This past weekend, our oldest son took senior pictures. Senior. Pictures. Seriously, wasn’t he a toddler just yesterday? Wasn’t he farming the carpet in the living room last week? Wasn’t he racing around the couch while watching the Cars movie last month? 17 years. I blinked and 17 years have gone by. I know I wrote about it recently, but wow.

All last week I was out of sorts. I was crabby and irritated and couldn’t figure out why. Full moon? Seasonal changes? Weather cooling off? (Nope, actually fall is my favorite,) Looking back, I was just nervous about the pictures. Not really the location or the photographer, but the realization that I have a senior… And my time with him is now measured in months instead of years. The photographer was great. We did several different shots & I’m sure they will be wonderful. I didn’t make him dress up, because that’s just not his style. I wanted the pictures to be representing things he loves. I blinked.

I blinked, and Nerf guns were replaced with trap shooting guns. I blinked, and Matchbox cars were replaced with real cars. I blinked and toy tools were replaced with welding tools. I blinked, and my boy became a man. I feel like the sand is slipping through my hands at a rapid rate. Sure, he might visit, but it won’t be the same. Pretty soon we will be making graduation announcements. Pretty soon he won’t be telling me about the ducks and geese and fish and deer before going to bed. Pretty soon, the lasts will happen and I won’t even know it.

Ugh. My momma heart is aching. As much as I want to hold on, I know I need to let go. In less than a year, our house won’t be the same. In less than a year, they won’t randomly go fishing on a nice summer day. In less than a year, his mowing jobs will be turned over to his brother. So much to do, and such little time. I need a pause button.

So, to all my fellow senior parents, I’m here with you. I’m trying to keep my eyes open, because before we know it, May/June will be here and our lives will be different. Blink. Senior pictures. Blink. Graduation day. I’m wishing you peace on your journey of enough… and I’ll have some extra Kleenex for you. Let’s cheer these kids on to the best senior year.

No rest for the weary?

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Normally, I sleep pretty well. Aside from when my boys were small, I’ve usually been able to sleep well. My husband is a very light sleeper and gets up pretty early. If it was up to me, I would probably sleep longer but I always feel guilty sleeping in. After all, there is stuff to do. I’m not a 5am type “early,” but I do get 6-7 hrs of sleep. And I need to or I don’t function well. I know this about myself.

I was recently thinking about the difference between sleep and rest. To me, they are not the same. I can sleep well, but not feel rested. And I feel like my soul needs rest, but it does not need sleep. In the last 6 months, many of us have had more time at home than ever before. Some of our busy has been replaced with other kinds of busy. Commuting worries replaced with internet speed worries…Wondering what to wear replaced with wondering what to cook… Trip planning replaced with “at home” routines. Balancing work, school, cooking, homework, internet speeds, lack of travel, gardening, markets, relationships, baking, mental and physical wellbeing has been exhausting for my soul. Some days are better than others, but I’ve felt a general sense of needing rest, regardless of how much sleep I get.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.Matthew 11:2

Ugh, weary. That word just speaks to me so much. Weary is a very vivid word, and it makes me think of a tired soul. Weary – like a mom who needs some time alone. Weary – like a teacher worried about her students. Weary – like a pastor who just wants his congregation to be together, but also to be safe. Weary – like a cancer patient navigating treatment during a pandemic. “Come to me, and I will give you rest.” Jesus isn’t saying for you come to him and take a nap. He is saying to come to him with your burdens of worry, and lay them at His feet. How many times would you like to take off that weight on your shoulders and set it down? You can. Easy to say, not as easy to do. We hold so tightly to the straps on that burden, clenching it in our fists… afraid to set it down. Afraid of the “what if’s.”

  • What if I didn’t do enough to help my kids?
  • What if their time online outweighs their time to be “kids”?
  • What if work doesn’t think I’m doing enough?
  • What if my house is messy?
  • What if I have to say no to someone?
  • What if my kids’ mental health suffers?
  • What if mine does?
  • What if I miss the Senior year and don’t soak it up enough?
  • What if my health suffers?
  • What if a loved one gets sick?
  • What if I miss out on time with my spouse, even though we see each other more?

Lay it all at His feet. Hand it over. Worrying just steals from today, it doesn’t change anything. Telling someone not to worry is also not effective. So maybe we do both? Allow the thought, acknowledge it, and release it. Either hand it over to God or write it on a piece of paper & burn it. Release it, so you can rest.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough… The kind of peace that gives your soul the rest it needs. Time to get some sleep too.

Delayed, not “done”…

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I signed up for a writing retreat a while ago. It was supposed to happen in May, 2020 in Florida. Time set aside just for writing (at the beach) sounded wonderful. I looked forward to the time away, just for me. I ignored my introverted fears and even had planned for a roommate whom I had never met. And then the pandemic hit, and our retreat was delayed. We could not fly to Florida in May. It was delayed to November. Ok, November might be alright? Getting away from MN in November still sounded like a good idea. Recently, they decided to move it to a remote/online format. I respect and understand the decision. Traveling in November still would be risky, so I canceled my flight and hotel. I also decided to cancel my spot in the retreat. I know it will be wonderful. The people putting it on are amazing and talented. But I also know myself. I know that an online format for this kind of retreat would not get my full attention. I’d be distracted by things at home, work requirements & taking vacation time just for me. So I’m delaying my book writing idea, but I’m not done.

Many things have had to be delayed this year. We don’t have to give up on all of them though. We didn’t go camping this summer, other than our back yard. We didn’t have a 25th anniversary celebration. We didn’t take a family trip this summer. Hopefully these things are just delayed and not done. With a senior in high school this year, I know our timeline of delays is limited. It’s beyond my understanding though. I know I need to release the idea of being able to control things. Just because you know something is right doesn’t mean it’s easy.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

This year seems like the year of delays. Whatever delays you are facing, I hope you don’t give up. Hang in there. You are loved. You are needed. We will get through this together. Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

Back to school, just different…

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He checked off the items on his school supply list, tried on 5 different suits, got his lunch bag and water bottle ready to go, packed his gym and cross country clothes and made sure he had his mask. He wrote his schedule down on a piece of paper and packed what would be his locker contents into his bag (this time, he included hand sanitizer). The first day of school for 8th grade would not look or feel the same. 25 emails, 10 different changes, last minute schedules and new requirements make this year much different. He won’t see all of his friends because many of them are on the other side of the alphabet. We are alternating between “in person” and “distance learning.” Every other day he will be in school then at home. It’s just different.

This will be the first time he has been in the school building since March. When some kids jokingly said, “See you next year,” we didn’t think they would be right. He didn’t get to say goodbye to his teachers or friends. Didn’t get to have the back-to-school night in person (it was via Google meets). This year will start out with masks, lunch in the gym, no lockers, and one-way traffic in the halls. No more “hanging out” before school. No more visiting with buddies at lunch…. just different.

It is difficult for my momma heart not to worry. Even though he’s 14, this year is just so different… for a kid who likes routine, how will he do? Will he be able to hear in class? Will he find all of his classrooms without being able to see them ahead of time? Will he be able to change out of and back into his suit in time? How will tomorrow go for distance learning? I can’t reassure him with specifics because I just don’t know. I guess I can tell him it’s just different. Life doesn’t always go as planned. Wear the mask, smile with your eyes, make lemonade out of the lemons and learn to adapt.

By the way, he probably did better than me today. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. We will get through this different time… hang in there.

Ready. Not ready. Ready.

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Normally, in MN, we start school after Labor Day. That is still true, but our oldest son started PSEO (Post Secondary Education Option) at the Technical College. He had orientation last week Monday. He is a senior in high school, but he will be 100% at the Technical College for welding.

He is ready. He is ready to be welding. He is ready to be a senior. He is ready to explore. He is ready to set his own schedule.

I’m not ready. I’m not ready for a different senior year. I’m not ready to take senior pictures. I’m not ready for planning a graduation party. I’m not ready to have him move out. I’m not ready to watch him drive away or bring him to college. I’m not ready for an empty room.

But it’s not the end. 18 years is just 1/5th of your lifetime if you live to be 90. What will be other 4/5th of his life bring? Will he remember what he learned at home? Will he have good manners, clean up after himself and be able to cook? What will he miss or fondly remember about his childhood? How often will he return? Will he find someone to share his time? Where will his life path take him?

I’m ready. I’m ready for him to walk across the stage at graduation. I’m ready to hear about his adventures. I’m ready to listen to more hunting and fishing stories. I’m ready for the excitement in his voice when he finds the perfect fishing spot. I’m ready to bake his favorite brownies when he comes home on the weekend.

I could worry about it or I could embrace it. I had to make my own mistakes. I had to fall and pick myself up. He will have to do the same. I have to release control. I have to trust. I will continue to cover him in prayer. I will float between “ready” and “not ready” for the rest of this year… maybe longer. There is a lot I wasn’t prepared for in motherhood. Letting go is one of them.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. To all you moms of seniors, cheers to a great senior year. To any seniors reading, give your mommas some grace and patience. We want the best for you, but we still see that cute little kindergartener when we look in your eyes. And we love you more than you will ever know. (Unless you have kids of your own… and then you will realize the depths of our love for you.) And some day, you too may be ready, not ready, ready.

Stuck?

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We recently got almost 6” of rain. The left side of this picture is Lake Carlos, and this is the Long Prairie River dam. This chunk of “bog” (cattails, grass & mud) was stuck at the top of the dam. While the water rushed around it, it was just stuck. It can’t go backwards because of the flow of the water. It cannot go over the dam until something changes… either the mud on the bottom erodes to let it flow over or something knocks it over the edge.

Sometimes we can feel like this bog… just stuck in place while everything flows around us at a rapid pace. There is more noise and activity when the water is this high. Behind the cluster seems smooth, but it’s flowing fast. On the other side is a churning, bubbling flurry of activity.

I felt this way when I had cancer. I felt like everything was moving quickly around me and I was stuck. The past seemed more calm, but I couldn’t go back. I was stuck. I was healing and getting better, but time seemed to go in slow motion and fast forward all at once. Looking back, I feel like I missed much of 6-7 months of my life. I tried too hard at times to force myself over the dam & back into the flow.

Since then, I’ve learned what self care is. I’ve learned to recognize when anxiety spins my thoughts out of control. I’ve learned to pause, to stop when I need to… not because I’m stuck, but because I’m observing. I’m figuring out what I need to do next in order to move forward. It’s ok to feel stuck. Just don’t stay at the top of the dam. Find a way to go forward, because you cannot go back.

“Do not cling to events of the past or dwell on what happened long ago. Watch for the new thing I am going to do. It is happening already—you can see it now! I will make a road through the wilderness and give you streams of water there” (Isaiah 43:18b-19).

I think that verse is a good one. God will make a road though the wilderness and give us streams of water. Keep looking forward. I wish you peace on your journey of enough.