Tag: #breastcancer

I didn’t notice…

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I’m not sure where the month of November has gone, but apparently it’s been three weeks since I posted. Oops. I have not felt particularly inspiring (to myself or others), so I’ve been putting it off. It’s been busy with continued fall prep, a “mom comedy” show (attending – not performing), musical in West Fargo and musical performances here. Our son was Bill Austin in Mamma Mia. The picture is of the dipped Rice Krispie treats I made for the cast and crew on Saturday. They had a double performance day on Saturday so I sent some Mamma Mia inspired treats.

Wednesday they had a family performance, then public shows Thursday to Sunday. We went to all 6 performances. They were all great. Each one was a tiny bit different depending on the crowd, the microphones and the energy. All were an epitome of teamwork. People don’t often think of musicals as being a team event, but it is. Lighting, sound, choreography, director, acting, solos, duets, background vocals, set design, stage changes and ushers…. all coming together to create a seamless show. I heard someone say, “I didn’t notice the lighting, so I know it was good. I would have noticed it if something seemed off.” I thought that was pretty accurate- several things might go unnoticed because it all seemed so natural. The lighting made sense, the costumes were great… you might have noticed if there were microphone problems but not think twice about it if it runs smoothly.

How many things go on in the background of our lives that we don’t notice until they are missing or not done? Probably don’t notice that the laundry gets done each week unless you’re out of socks. Might not notice the dishes are washed unless you can’t find a cereal bowl. There was “white noise” when I was in the office and I didn’t notice it until it went out and it was very very quiet. We might not notice the people in our lives as much as we should either. I think Thanksgiving is a good time to remember the things we might not otherwise notice or give thanks for.

I have a lot to be thankful for… my continued good health, my family, friends, my home and job come to mind first. But there are so many other things that I’m inspired to write down that I probably wouldn’t think of. I encourage you to notice something new this holiday season.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May your hearts be full of thanksgiving, even for the things you didn’t notice before.

Ready or not…

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It snowed in MN this week. My black cat, Toothless, thought he wanted to go outside to chase some squirrels. He stepped out of the patio door and turned around. Nope. Not today. He settled for his cattop (heated cat laptop) and a nap on my lap later. Ready or not, snow has entered much of MN, ND and MT. It’s not a matter of whether if it will snow in these three states, but when it will snow. There are only a handful of winters where we didn’t have a white Christmas.

While Halloween was just the other day, the snow, ice and low temps make it feel like Thanksgiving instead of early November. Many of us didn’t have the ice scrapers in our cars yet. We knew snow would come, but it had just been so warm in October, it seemed like it should wait a few more weeks.

I know people debate whether or not to decorate for Christmas after Halloween or after Thanksgiving. Honestly, it doesn’t really matter to me either way. Do you want a tree up or twinkling lights a few extra weeks? Go nuts. Do you want to wait until after your turkey left overs are gone? Great. Do you go over the top or not decorate at all? You do your own thing. What makes you happy? What brings you joy? What traditions do you hold near?

It won’t always go as planned. The weather won’t always be perfect. Ready or not, winter is coming and so are the holidays. Remember to do something you love. Share the joy with someone else. Offer a smile, take a deep breath, shop local and don’t forget your ice scraper. We all need reminders now and then.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Time for some kitty snuggles and a predictable Hallmark movie marathon.

Also…

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I had two other posts started, forgot it was Wednesday, got distracted and then saw this quote. Again. I’ve seen it several times. It really hit home for me, yet it’s also kind of difficult to accept. The planner might freak out at a surprise. The giver will often struggle to receive. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.

I delivered a meal to a thoughtful person tonight and I know it was challenging for her to accept it. She’s used to thinking of others, caring for others, and doing for others so she didn’t feel like she deserved it for herself. It’s often difficult to ask for help. I understand the feeling. I’ve been there.

It’s silly that the people who love to help others don’t allow those people the joy of helping them. I like to plan. I like to give. I consider myself thoughtful and considerate. A few years ago, I wouldn’t have said those things. I wouldn’t have taken those compliments. There is something to say for being humble, but it shouldn’t come at the expense of your self confidence and self worth.

One issue with not asking for help is that sometimes you forget how. I sometimes get annoyed when my family doesn’t just know what I want. It’s wrong for me to assume they should know these things, but asking doesn’t come natural for me. It’s not something I do frequently enough for it to be “second nature.”

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. This is your reminder that also is OK.

H.O.P.E.

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I had an entirely different post planned. I’d written part of it, then I saw a post from a friend of ours. 5 years ago, they lost their son to suicide. (He was the same age as our oldest son) It’s also mental health awareness month, so I figured I should switch gears. Mental health isn’t something someone else has. We all do. We all have our own mental health differences, just like our physical bodies aren’t all the same. Mental health struggles impact more people than you might be aware of. It has impacted us.

Two years ago, I got a call from our oldest son. He was in his freshman year at Montana State, 13 hours from home. He moved there not knowing anyone and his roommate was about to drop out. He was going to school and working part time. He had gone to fraternity rush but wasn’t accepted. When he called, he has been in the ER. He told me that he called campus police because he was worried about what he would do. Actually, someone else called campus police and found him, bleeding. We had talked about it because of Robbie. I had hoped he would have reached out. I went numb. I didn’t know what to do. Do I fly out there? Do I drive? Then what? I told my boss I needed some time for a personal matter and I went for a walk. I sat on the dock by the lake and sobbed. Thankful he was found. Terrified it would happen again. I felt lost, alone and like a failure. What could I have done differently? This wasn’t about me.

He didn’t want to miss work, so he still went. He got in trouble for being late. If they only knew. From outward appearances, he was fine. He had been so depressed that he was not sleeping. He would wander around campus until 3am and still make it to work and class. After that day, he went to campus counseling, but just didn’t find a connection with the right person. She did tell him that hunting would be ok since he enjoyed being out in nature. He had to talk to the campus counselor and to the police in order to get his guns back to be able to hunt. He decided to drop out after the first semester. He started working full time instead. There is a stigma attached to dropping out of college. One that shouldn’t exist. It’s not right for you? Good for you to recognize that before spending almost $200k in tuition and being miserable the whole time.

He calls me (almost) daily. I still worry about him, but I feel more confident that he would reach out again before it’s too late. Too often we aren’t aware of people’s struggles. It’s not easy to talk about. It’s necessary though. Even if we think people “seem fine.” It’s OK to not be OK, but it is not OK not to tell someone. He knows that now. He’s in a better frame of mind. He has a core group of friends, a dog, and he does a lot of hunting and fishing.

That fall, he showed people what they wanted to see… a friendly, talkative guy. I asked him today what would have made him give an honest answer instead of “fine.” He said, “Probably someone looking me in the eyes and saying that they cared and I didn’t really seem fine. Someone to push for the truth instead of a fake answer.”

This isn’t a story many people know. Many family members will be shocked. I’m sorry you heard about it this way. It’s not something that’s easy for a parent to bring up either.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. YOU ARE ENOUGH. Your are needed. You are worthy. You are loved. If you feel you, or someone you know is in crisis, 988 is the suicide and crisis line. You can also text 741741 for free crisis counseling. For resources on teen mental health, go to https://Robbie’s-hope.com.

Did we just become best friends?!

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It’s a quote from the movie, “Step Brothers,” but it’s what I was thinking about recently. I had a lovely pause/trip to CA. I was able to work remote, spend time with my sister, complete a few projects, see a musical, run/walk a Rock n Roll 5k, kayak with otters & seals and so much more! We were discussing podcasts, and The Holderness Family podcast is one of my favorites. I told her, “They don’t know it, but I’m pretty sure we are best friends.”

I’m not a stalker. I have not reached out to these people. I follow them on social media and listen to their podcasts. I didn’t see them on “The Amazing Race,” but they did win it. I just feel like we are similar and we’d probably be along, in a strange way. We are close to the same age, both have 2 kids and we have similar personalities. Penn has ADHD and is very creative. Same with my husband. Kim is an introvert and needs to recharge after too much people-ing. Same with me. Aside from Penn singing & playing piano, I feel like he and my husband would talk for hours. Kim and I would get into a deep (non-superficial) conversation, but be blunt about when we need to leave. I’d learn pickle ball to hang out with them.

Having a best friend is a strange concept as an adult. Kids become best friends because they’re in the same class or same neighborhood or same activity. Adults may find people through their kids, or it may be kind of random. I stepped out of my comfort zone a few years ago and went on a weekend retreat where I knew nobody. I came away with several friends. Many of whom I keep in touch with, and a few I’ve gotten close to. I realized the other day that I’ve been here (in this town) 7 years. I still feel like “the new person/outsider,” even after all this time. You never know when you’ll connect with someone and spark a friendship. I’m sure I have more friends to meet yet.

I miss the friends I fell out of touch with. I often think of the times we spent together. I think of people I used to work with. I think of the neighborhood we used to live in. I guess in some cases, Best Friends Forever might be Best Friends For a while. People may come and go, but think of the additional people you get to meet and new experiences you get to have.

Maybe someday I will meet Penn and Kim, but I won’t hold my breath. Until then, I’ll be thankful for my friends – past, present and future. Thank you for coming along on my journey.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. You are enough and you always will be – even if people come in and out of your life.

A fall pause;

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Normally, this time of year we have a bunch of mini pumpkins and gourds. This year, we just have this small basket. But it screams fall to me, so I’ll keep these for myself (and perhaps my deer friends who have been eating my hosta.) Our garden took a hit due to the hot, dry summer and my husband working on the front and back steps/patio. I kept up with picking, but not enough watering and weeding. That’s ok. We still had things to bring to the market and have food in the freezer.

I haven’t written for a while, which is a little unusual for me. I’m a pretty regular weekly writer – even if I do lose track of days. I guess I needed a fall pause. I haven’t felt very inspirational, and there are some things going on that are just too personal to share. I’m fine, I just have some background things happening that I needed to focus on.

Sometimes we forget to pause. We rush from one thing to the next. This summer was busy with work, market, gardening, canning and family time. There wasn’t a lot of pausing. Even our trips are packed and full of walking/adventures. I’m grateful to get to go. I just forgot to give myself some grace.

I also forgot that it is ok to be both…

  • Both busy and needing a break
  • Both introverted and needing to talk
  • Both loving family and needing time alone
  • Both grateful for what you have and craving a change

I often feel like I need permission to pause. Busy is rewarded, yet pausing feels selfish (when I do it). I’m aware that it’s necessary, it’s just not always supported.

So, if you’re in need of a fall pause, here is your permission. Take a break, read a book, have some extra water, go for a walk, meditate, pray or just take a deep breath or two.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you take some time to pause. You’re worth it!

Experience sponge…

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It kind of looks like a computer screensaver, but it’s a photo I took at the New England Aquarium on our trip to Boston. The three of us did not press up to the glass like these starfish. I’m pretty sure too many kids had licked on it. Our trip to Boston was fun. We saw a lot of things, walked a lot of miles and needed a bunch of extra socks. The weather was great, aside from two downpours on Friday. We got completely drenched. Twice. I feel like “an experience sponge” as I tried to soak up the sights.

I’ve mentioned it before, but we don’t sit much or have downtime on our vacations. We try to see and do as much as we can. This time, we did all of the things on my list earlier than planned, so I had to quickly find some additional things to do. We walked 7-15 miles each day. We took the “hop on, hop off trolley,” the first day. It was a good way to see the city. They had a night tour, but that was pretty much the same route so it was a bit of a waste (but we did sit down). We saw many of the Freedom Trail stops. Some were interesting and others were quick visits and then on to something else. It was neat to see the USS Constitution. An amazing old ship with beautiful wood and really short ceilings & steep stairs. I imagined how sick I’d be to sleep in a hammock while on the water.

Boston Day 1. Tate bakery, Nero coffee, Trolley tour, freedom trail, USS Constitution, USS Cassin Young, Quincy Market, Bunker Hill, Faneuil Hall, Boston Tea Party tour, 🦞 seafood & “summer night trolley tour” Also drove by Fenway (country concert & lots of people.)

Boston Day 2. Continuation of the Freedom trail, 12-15 miles of walking, several inches of rain, 3 pair of socks each 😂. Went by Paul Revere house and statue, had Mike’s Pastry (thank you to those who recommended that – YUM!), saw the old North Church and Boston market- outdoor and indoor…. All before lunch. Boston Market was cool. Had some good coffee and got some treats for later. Poured rain, luckily we went in the correct door for the Massachusetts State house- the Hooker entrance 😂, it was very pretty inside. I took way more pictures of it than I thought I would. We walked through all of the Boston Public gardens (it’s free), but they didn’t have the swan boats running due to weather. Had lunch in Chinatown, it was very good. “Your cousin from Boston” Samuel Adams tour was 45 min. We took the orange subway there and back. We had beer, of course (not Myles), and also beer cheese pretzel and chips/beer cheese. We went back to Boston Market, went to little Italy/The North Side for a fish festival but it was raining again. Had gelato instead. It cleared up and we walked all along the pier & saw a double rainbow. Finished the day at Legal Seafood.

Boston day 3: New England Aquarium. The center was a large aquarium with lots of varieties of fish and turtles & rays etc. We petted some stingray. We got to see a feeding. Walked back to little Italy (which I guess is not called that – it’s called “The North Side.”) It was an amazing lunch – lobster ravioli was amazing! Then switched hotels so we walked a mile with luggage 😂 New hotel had us on the 13th floor, but we weren’t there long. Since we did the other things more quickly than planned, I added a last minute whale watching trip. I was nervous about the seasick possibility but it was good. 4 hour tour & saw lots of whales. Supper at Quincy Market. The market has a lot of shops and small food vendors. Had to get some clam chowder! (Chowder was great but the San Francisco bread bowls are better). Travel day the last day.

I feel like we did most of what I would have wanted to do. We didn’t see Harvard or Salem due to time and distance. We either walked, took an Uber or Subway instead of renting a car. That was great advice because traffic there is nuts and you have to pay to park everywhere. For now, we can cross Boston off the list and start thinking of where to go next.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Returning home meant more pickles and salsa to process, so we won’t be traveling very far for a while. College classes have started for our junior in HS and regular HS classes start Tues. Life goes by quickly. Keep your eyes open.

Beans, clouds and tea parties?

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What do these things have in common? Boston, MA. I mean, there are clouds everywhere, but I’ll be flying in them today. Why Boston? Why not? It’s not super hot or cold and there is plenty to do. Plus, it’s someplace we haven’t been. There is a list of ideas for things to do, places to eat and only one reservation (aside from hotels). The weather looks great and I think our long weekend will be fun. Next week, our youngest son starts classes at the tech school with (junior year) high school classes starting after Labor Day.

With his high school and tech classes, Mama Mia musical practice and working part time, along with his You Tube channel (The Unspecified Show), this seemed like the best time to take a trip. I don’t have the facts, but I’m guessing that most people will not say, “I wish I would not have traveled so much,” looking back at their life. Maybe if they traveled for work and didn’t like it – but recreationally? Yeah, I’m not going to regret these little trips. And I’ll probably share pictures of our trip, because maybe you’ve never been to Boston and you’d like to see it. Maybe you have been, but it’s fun to see it from our point of view.

When we went to NYC, we shared lots of pictures because we packed a ton of stuff into our trip. But one of Cam’s friends said, “It’s fun to see it from a whole new perspective.” They lived in NYC, but hadn’t done some of the “tourist stuff,” and got some ideas of things they wanted to try.

Maybe someday we will take a trip to relax on a beach, but not yet. For now, we will pack our walking shoes and have our cameras ready.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. If you’re not able to travel in person, travel in your mind with a good book or a Discovery channel documentary.

The end of a chapter…

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This week, I had my yearly oncology appointment in Fargo. I took the afternoon off from work and drove up there alone. I have no concerns, so I didn’t really need anyone with me. I already knew my latest MRI was clear, my A1C has been really good, and aside from some extra tummy weight – I’m in pretty good health. I don’t know how many times I’ve walked into the Roger Maris Cancer Center since December 9, 2014. It’s quite a few, that’s for sure. I honestly felt like this would be the last time. I parked my car in the ramp and I paused on the sidewalk. I asked for God to be with me and for my angels to surround and protect me. There is a lot of dense energy in a cancer center. A lot.

I checked in and took my spot in the waiting room. I glanced around the room, noting that I was still one of the youngest people there. I opened up my Colleen Hoover book and didn’t get very far before I heard her call my name. She weighed me in the hallway (which I’m not a fan of), and walked me back to the room. The last several times I’ve been there, I was in room 7. This time, I was in room 9. “Something is different today,” I said to myself with a hopeful grin. I got asked all of the standard questions and she left. My doctor came in shortly after, shook hands and opened my chart. We went through the last scans, talked about my blood sugar levels and general health. He handed me the pink gown for the last time and stepped out of the room. Nothing concerning happened during the exam. The lumpectomy site is still tender, more than 8 years later. I just avoid sleeping on my stomach. Otherwise, things were good.

“I don’t think you need to come back here, unless you have any issues or concerns. Feel free to reach out though if you do.” Music to my ears. If you would have asked me 8 years ago if I would feel comfortable ending my oncologist visits before 10 years was up, I would have said you’re crazy. But today was different. I felt a confidence I didn’t know I had. I felt a sense of relief and gratitude to be able to close this chapter. I shook his hand again and said, “I hope I don’t see you here again. No offense.” No follow up appointment to schedule, no half day to figure out with work and other activities. This was it. I got dressed and walked out of room 9.

I walked out of the cancer center as a man was helping his frail wife. They had used the valet and were waiting for their car. As I walked past them, I hoped that she would one day be able to say good bye to this place too. I walked towards my car and figured I should document the sign. And I took special note of the “exit only” part. Yes, I will be only exiting today. I’m ready to be done. As I sat in my car, tears filled my eyes and I wasn’t really anticipating the emotions I was feeling… relief, gratitude, closure, joy. I texted my family and some friends and told them the good news. A sigh of relief.

Some people don’t like the phrase cancer journey, but I do. I think of it as a journey because there are twists and turns, highs and lows, mountains and valleys. It’s so much better if you’re able to have someone along with you on your journey and to have a great navigator. I feel like cancer took things from me: confidence, physical changes, time with my family, changes in my personality & the loss of some friends. But, it also gave me things: importance of self care, a spiritual community, the ability to ask for help, renewed relationships, and my renewed love of writing. I am so thankful my chapter has ended how it did. I know not everyone has a happy ending, and I’m grateful mine is. I honestly felt like I set down the baggage when I walked out of that building and felt more free.

Will I stop writing about this? Probably not. But I’m in maintenance mode now. It’s different. I’m not sure how to explain the shift, but it certainly has shifted. If you’ve been though this journey with me the whole time, thanks for sticking with me. I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know. Now that this chapter is done, I feel like I can move forward with writing my next book. It will be a healing process and probably difficult to relive some of those memories, but good will come from it.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. Hug your loved ones, take care of yourself and get your yearly screenings done!

The ripple effect …

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These are some of the turkey hens and poults in our garden. It’s a turkey buffet now. Shade, food, water… they have it made. And it’s predator free. Raccoons had been wrecking our garden and they are dangerous to have around for chickens, so we trapped them. But removing the raccoons removed the predators for the turkeys. And our cat has been indoors due to an actual cat fight (multiple), so he’s no threat to them either. He lost his meow and has several scars. We’ve upset the ecosystem and now we have 4 hens and 30 or so babies hanging out in our garden. Hopefully they are eating lots of bugs. They have been trampling the straw and walking all over the beans. The raspberry plants are pretty popular with them and they like the carrot and beet area because the watering over there is like a mini fountain.

We still get deer in the yard. They don’t bother the garden much… it’s fenced but not super high so they could jump it if they wanted to. They prefer to eat the bird food that spills out of the feeder or they stick their tongues in to get the corn. You can’t really “turkey proof” a garden. They fly. So even if we put mesh around the bottom, they would just fly over the top. Putting the a net over 2 acres isn’t realistic either. I’m not sure. They supposedly eat potato beetles, so I’m hoping that is true.

Until more raccoons wander over from the state park, I think we might just have to deal with our new turkey friends. A ripple effect. I often think about ripple effects in life. One small moment or decision may seem like no big deal at the time but the impact lasts for years and often magnifies. Over 30 years ago, I flirted with the man who would become my husband & that had a ripple effect. Two sons and countless adventures later and hopefully more adventures on the horizon. What would our lives look like if we hadn’t taken that chance? There still would have been ripples in our lives but it wouldn’t be the same.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Never underestimate the impact you have on others.