I responded in my head…

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This picture is proof that I could use a good wrinkle cream. LOL. That’s not what this is about though.

I was talking to my niece at Easter. She was complaining about her brother, who rarely responds to texts. She’s mentioned it to him a few times, and each time he says, “Oh, sorry. I responded in my head.” It really struck a chord with me. THAT’S IT!!! For the last several years, there have been many occasions where I thought I told my husband something, but I clearly just responded in my head. Apparently, we must have full conversations in my head, and I think the issue is resolved… so I don’t actually tell him things.

This happened a LOT after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. There was so much information, appointments, people checking in on me, etc. I would think that I had told him something, but I probably told my sisters or my mom, my friend or co-worker. He felt left out. He thought I was not telling him the whole story. I just honestly couldn’t keep track of everything. This was unusual for me- I was a note taker, had a Caring Bridge page to update people… but I still didn’t know who I had talked to. I never had chemo. I cannot blame it on chemo brain fog. I thought maybe I was alone until I brought it up to someone at work. He said, “Don’t all married people do that?” Huh. I’m not sure, but at least I’m not the only one.

When I came back from my retreat, this was something I had put on my “to do” list. Be more intentional – have more conversations. I tend to retreat inward when there is a bunch of stuff going on. I need time to process things, figure stuff out & sometimes think of every possible (sometimes worst-case) scenario. I like to think I remember to mention the big stuff but that’s not always true. Apparently, we had a conversation (just in my head), where I decided I was going back to CA for my last niece’s graduation. Since my husband can’t take time off from work during the last month of school, and we wouldn’t want to take the kids out of school, it seemed logical for me to go alone. (Again, I obviously never said this out loud)

I clearly have some work to do in this area. I’m not an expert… just a middle aged mom who likes to write for the 30 or so people who read this every Tuesday. Occasionally I will get readers from Sweden or Japan or even Cameroon. If you’ve taken the time to read this far, thank you. Someday I will get brave enough to put myself out there in a bigger way. When I do, I promise to have a conversation with my husband (out loud this time), so he’s aware of it.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. If you’ve responded in your head, you’re not alone. I challenge you to respond out loud also… or at least in a text.

To the moms…

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That’s me in the middle. Lol. Obviously. I’m no longer taller than either of the boys. Neither one can (or would) sit on my lap. I don’t read stories to them or hold their hands in the parking lot. Those days are gone. This picture was taken on Mother’s Day. While I could be sad that my boys are no longer little, I chose to be happy they are growing.

Mother’s Days are not always sunshine and roses. Many Mother’s Days were spent wondering if I’d ever get to be a mother. This year was the first Mother’s Day since my mother-in-law passed away. This was the first Mother’s Day for friends who lost their son. I’m aware of how special it is, and I try my best to appreciate each Mother’s Day. There are very few things I want or request on Mother’s Day.

  • Let me sleep a little
  • Coffee is good
  • No dishes
  • No laundry
  • Flowers are nice but don’t spend too much
  • I’d like to avoid cooking (much)
  • I want to spend it with my kids

That last one is like a time bomb. I can hear the time ticking away like the clock on the wall. I won’t always get to spend this day with them. I don’t always see my own mom each Mother’s Day. There will be a time when my boys are working or in school or married or having kids of their own (hopefully not for a while). So for now, I’m thankful for each Mother’s Day I get with them. Last year, we moved compost and planted asparagus on Mother’s Day. This year, we played cards, went for lunch, visited a little and took a nap. Heavenly. The cat even got to visit for a while.

There are many days of motherhood where we feel like we aren’t enough. I don’t think that will go away regardless of how many books we read or inspiring videos we watch. We will feel like we are not enough because we care. We care about our kids, our family and ourselves. We want to do better and be better, not realizing we already are. We already are the cheerleaders, the working moms, the stay-at-home moms, the ones who remember the lunch money and get the ibuprofen in the middle of the night. We are enough because we care. I urge you to look into the mirror this week and tell yourself “You are a good mom. You are enough.”

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. May you have fond memories of Mother’s Day to carry you through some tough days. We are all in this together & you, sweet mom, are enough.

To leave it behind…

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This is the confident me. The numbing fear in my entire body might not be visible in this picture. The ropes course at Healing Odyssey retreat was more difficult and life changing than I had expected. I mentioned in my previous post how I wasn’t sure why I went to the retreat, I just knew I needed to go. After the first night, I thought, “Well, maybe I’m supposed to be here as support or encouragement for someone else.” (Because I couldn’t possibly need healing, right? Ha ha) I was telling my friends and family about the retreat and they all asked, “So, you didn’t know anybody? WHY did you go?!”

Partially, I believe I was supposed to meet these ladies from cabin 8. All are strong and powerful. Each with a unique cancer story and a unique life story… yet we all shared a common chapter to our stories: CANCER. It’s something that’s difficult to explain, yet if you’ve had/have cancer… you “get” it. You “get” the scanxiety felt with each scan and test and doctor appointment. You “get” the fear, the anger/frustration, the strength needed, the way it changes your life and the way people look at you. The list goes on and on. I didn’t know how powerful it would be to surround myself with over 30 other cancer survivors. I didn’t know I would cry in front of complete strangers. I didn’t know I would leave with a bunch of new friends… many of whom I won’t see in person again.

The other reason I went was revealed at the ropes course. I was 8th in line. I had a chance to see others go before me… each getting to a different point on the course. I had a chance to plan my goal. There were 4 ropes to reach towards to get to the end. My goal was to get to 3 … for my 3 guys. I tried to psych myself up for this. As I got hooked up and ready to climb, I had to stand at the bottom of the ladder and tell everyone what I was leaving behind. My hand started to shake and my voice quivered as I told the story about my journey of enough. I was leaving the idea that I’m not enough behind. I was leaving behind the “can’ts. Leaving behind doubts and fears & moving towards new adventures and a renewed sense of self. Once I dried my eyes, I started the climb up the ladder and then up the pegs.

Once I got to the top, I had to stand on a wire and reach for a rope. Easy, right? Nope. Not at all. This was my first ropes course. First time being 30 feet in the air, standing on a wire, attached to a harness and rope. I could hear the cheers and encouragement from below. I listened for the voices of those who had gone before me, telling me what to do next. As my legs trembled and the adrenaline rushed, I grabbed for the first rope. “I’m good, I’m done.”

I leaned back and descended back to earth. I was greeted with hugs and cheers and more tears.

It literally took hours for the adrenaline to leave and for me to calm back down again. It was intense, it was exhilarating & it was life changing. You may be thinking, “But you only got to the first rope. You wanted to get to 3.” Yes. That’s true. What I realized after it was over, was that the 1 rope I got to was for ME… not for my husband, my boys, my parents or my sisters… it was for me. You cannot pour from an empty cup. 1 was all I needed to believe I can. I left the can’ts behind.

After the ropes course, we went on a zipline. This was another thing I said I would never do – but after the morning, it seemed like a breeze! I didn’t have to balance, I just had to let go and enjoy the ride. What a feeling! The Mountain views were breath taking. The feeling of accomplishment was amazing.

So, why did I fly all the way to California, drive myself up a mountain, stay with 30+ strangers, go to sessions, hike in the mountains, do a ropes course, zipline and tell my story? To leave it behind… leave the doubt, the fears, the worry, the comparison, the feeling of being “not enough.” Am I completely free of these things? Maybe not. But nobody told me it was just stage 1. Nobody said it was just breast cancer. To everyone there, I was enough... and that feeling will carry me up many mountains in life. I will always remember the ladies I met at camp and the feeling of conquering those fears.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you have friends cheering you on from the sidelines. May you have voices to listen to of those who have gone before you. May you be a listening ear or a comforting shoulder to someone else. We are all in this together & you are enough.

Trip preview & summary thoughts…

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I just got back from a Healing Odessey retreat in California. While I take some time to write more about the event and what I gained from it, here are some things I learned on my trip:

  • Solo trips are a good thing. If you can do it, you might learn something about yourself.
  • People in airports don’t realize there is a volume button on their phone and I don’t need to hear them type or play a game.
  • I am for sure one of those people annoyed by certain sounds. Trying to let that go isn’t working.
  • If you can check your bags (Southwest gives your 2 free), it is far easier to navigate the airport and the plane.
  • Target stores in California have entire aisles of wine. Seriously, I’d probably go broke.
  • If you’re from Minnesota and go to other regions, people can tell you have an accent. (Dontcha know)
  • You can usually purchase another bag if you run out of room (or if you have to waste some time at Target and Kohl’s.)
  • If you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.
  • Listening to your body takes practice.
  • Finding people with whom you share a common thread is powerful.
  • It’s ok to be nervous.
  • A double cappuccino means something different at different coffee shops.
  • There is something magical and healing about walking in nature.
  • Hotels close to the airport start their breakfast earlier.
  • If you have a fear, worry or question, odds are high someone else does also.
  • If you tip the airport shuttle driver, it will make his day and he will give you directions on where to go next.
  • Everyone has a story, their surface might not show it.
  • Never say never (except for sky diving, I’m seriously never doing that!)
  • You cannot judge time by distance in the LA area. In Minnesota, if it’s 60 miles away, it will take you just under an hour to get there. I have no idea how to gauge time here.

More summaries and pictures next week. It was an amazing, powerful and inspiring weekend!

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you have a group of people cheering you on!

But I’m not lost…

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This week I will embark on a solo trip. I’m flying out to California for a breast cancer survivor retreat. I found out about it from a group I follow on Facebook. Sometimes it helps to connect with people who share a similar part of their story. Everyone in the group has been impacted by breast cancer. One of the ladies highly recommended the retreat, so I looked into it a little more.

It’s very reasonably priced. They have it more than once per year. It’s called Healing Odessey. The retreats run from Friday to Sunday. I’d just need to get myself to CA in time. Oh, and drive up the mountains by myself. In the dark. Alone. Hmmm. I convinced myself I could do this. It might be one of the last things I do like this, since they are usually focused on women in the first 5 years since diagnosis. I booked my flight with airline miles, reserved hotel rooms before and after the retreat (using Holiday Inn points) & reserved a rental car. I’ll essentially be gone 5 days for a 3 day retreat, but I figured I’m worth it.

What am I hoping to get out of this? Am I going to find myself? Not really, I’m not lost. A weekend with strangers normally isn’t on my wish list. As an introvert, this gives me a little bit of anxiety. There are some reassuring things though: 1) Nobody knows me, so there is no “history” or story that they have about me. 2) I likely won’t ever see them again, so if they think I’m strange, I won’t run into them at Target next week. 3) I am going to take time on the flights and in the airport to read some books and just re-set.

  • Old me: I can’t take that time off from work.
  • New me: I need to take time for myself.
  • Old me: I need to be there for my kids.
  • New me: My kids need to see me also as an individual & trying new things.
  • Old me: My husband needs my help.
  • New me: He is completely capable of handling things at home. (He was before also, I’m just acknowledging it more now)
  • I think I’m ready. I’ll make sure to bring my passport/ID an empty water bottle. I’ll pack some headphones and plenty of books. I’ll throw my motion sickness pills in my purse and make sure I have plenty of gum. I’ll bring an open mind and an open heart. I believe things appear in our lives for a reason. I’m taking this opportunity to see what I’m supposed to learn from it.
  • Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you have the courage to say “yes” to something… even if it’s outside of your comfort zone, a little scary (in a good way), or might possibly make you nauseated. Sometimes great things happen just outside of our comfort zones.

  • Peas in a pod or peas and carrots?

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    One likes hunting. He learns about it and has patience to wait for them. The other would rather watch the deer and turkeys walk by or try to catch them.

    One likes fishing. He would fish all day if he could. The other would rather look for interesting shells or spy on turtles.

    One quit band. The other plays saxophone and guitar & has tried to write some songs.

    One struggles with school. The other is stressing out about his only “B.”

    One has curly brown hair. The other has straight blonde hair.

    One likes country music. The other prefers rock.

    One wears jeans, t-shirt and a hunting or fishing cap year round. The other wears a suit any chance he gets. (Opposite in this picture because of prom.)

    If you know my kids, you know which one is which. 2 boys from the same parents can end up being so different. I remember when we were going through fertility treatments (again) after having Dallas. I recall sobbing on the steps, “But what if he will never have a brother or sister?” I assumed they would get along. I assumed they would be similar kids. You know what happens when you ass-u-me?! Yep.

    I’m still thankful and I love them both. I cannot make them have things in common or want to spend time together. Sure, when they were little, they liked the same toys and movies. Then they developed their own personalities. Things changed. We ended up dividing our parenting time based on their interests. Cam would take Dallas fishing. I would go for walks with Myles and look for acorns or cool rocks. We still do plenty of activities together. It’s just different. In 2 years and 2 months, Dallas will graduate & things will change again. It’s hard to say where their paths will take them in life. I hope they stay in touch and find some more common bonds.

    These are the things they have in common as of now:

    • They both love French toast.
    • They both run cross country.
    • They both have blue eyes.
    • They both think Ironman is the best of the Marvel super heroes.
    • They both think they are competitive.
    • They both like the cat.
    • They both bow hunt left handed.

    We struggled to come up with this list of things they have in common. There might be more, but for now, they are finding their way and learning what they like. Parenting is more difficult than anyone prepares you for. For the past 12 & 16 years, I’ve tried to protect them and keep them safe… give them independence and skills to be on their own… but mostly, I’ve just tried to love them through it all. I feel like my relationship with God is the same way. Because of free will, I still make plenty of mistakes. Those mistakes teach me something… or if I wasn’t paying attention, I’ll get to experience/learn it again. God is like our parent… a safe place to land.

    My kids mess up. They aren’t perfect. They are learning there are people who will dwell on those mistakes and people who will forgive them. Regardless, I hope they know I am their safe place. I hope they know God is too. HE loves us through all of our differences and similarities. Peas in a pod or peas and carrots… he loves us just the same.

    Peace be with you on your journey of enough. If you’re in the middle of parenthood, just starting out, dealing with an empty nest or enjoying grand parenting, God will love you through it.

    Not just “another day”…

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    4 years = 1826 days. 4 years ago, I thought that I’d never forget April 8th. While I never forget that I had cancer, it took my Facebook memories to jog my mind regarding April 8th’s true meaning. Monday seemed like just another Monday, but it wasn’t. 4 years ago, I rang the bell at Roger Maris Cancer Center, signifying the end of active treatment for breast cancer. 4 years ago, I stood with my family and friends while strangers watched me ring the bell. Perhaps it gave hope to someone just starting their journey, that they too can make it to that point – the bell ringing day. I gave my phone to someone to take pictures. I’m so glad I did. I want to remember the image of that strong, but scared 41 yr old. I want to remember the look on my husband’s face of pride and relief. I want to remember how small my boys were.

    It’s a big deal. I still carry the card in my wallet from that day. I don’t want April 8th to be just another day. Why? Because not everyone sees 4 years go by. I don’t want to take that for granted. “Easy cancer” or not, cancer is still cancer. Fighting to make sure it’s gone and stays gone takes effort, determination, strength and luck. It shouldn’t be underestimated. It should be celebrated. So I ran over to our grocery store and bought these pink flowers for myself. (4 kinds/colors of pink and white) and some cookies for my co-workers. (I know I should have gotten fruit or something more healthy, but cookies are fun.)

    It will likely be a day where the details fade over time, but the memory of ringing the bell still stays. Do you have an event that changed your life? How do you remember or celebrate it? In what ways has it shaped your life from that point on? I want my kids to know I’m not perfect. There are things I would have done differently, but those things also taught me lessons. Ladies (and men), listen up:

    • You’re “only” 41? Cancer doesn’t care. Get checked.
    • No direct relatives with breast cancer? Cancer doesn’t care. Get checked.
    • Your family depends on you? Cancer doesn’t care. Get checked.
    • You are flat chested, big chested or even male? Cancer doesn’t care. Get checked.

    Cancer is a jerk, it doesn’t care. Monday was not just another day. It was a reminder about life being short. So eat the cookie, but go for a walk. Love the body that is home to your soul. Hug your kids, even the teens. Tell those who love and support you just how much they mean to you. We aren’t guaranteed our tomorrows. I wish you peace on your journey of enough. You are always enough. Sometimes I feel like too much, but it’s always just enough.

    Always watching…

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    This is Roz from the movie “Monsters, Inc.” It’s a cute movie with the story line: kids’ laughter is more powerful than their fear. Whenever I think of someone watching, Roz’ voice pops into my head.

    Recently, our Destination Imagination (DI) team went to the MN state tournament to compete. They won their regional event and this was the first time Myles’ team had gone to state. They were very excited. 10 middle school teams competed in their “Game On” challenge, but there were a bunch of kids in many categories. It was an all day event. And, any event which hosts thousands of kids and parents needs lots of volunteers. I was the volunteer for our team.

    To back up a little, Destination Imagination is kind of hard to explain. The description online says, “Destination Imagination is a volunteer-led, educational non-profit organization that teaches “21st-century” skills and STEM principles to kindergarten through university level students through collaborative problem solving challenges.” Myles’ team is a group of 4 boys in 6th grade and one in 5th. They had to come up with an 8 minute “central challenge” skit. Their category was fine arts and this year it had a game theme. They chose to combine “Sorry” and “Pac-Man” to be called “Sorryman.” The kids come up with everything. From their team name, to their set design, script and costumes… it’s all their ideas. Seeing them progress over the course of 4-5 months is amazing. It teaches them problem solving skills, working together to complete a challenge, and overcoming obstacles.

    So, back to the event…. the team performed and did an amazing job. My volunteer shift was in the afternoon. I needed to be the door monitor. Close the door when the team is ready to start. Open the door when they are done. Do not let anyone in during the performance. Simple, right? I had a dad ask me if his daughter was in the room. (I didn’t know the man or his daughter) At first, I thought he was joking. Then he described her – seriously? I don’t know your daughter. The thing that bothered me though was the lady who got mad at me. An adult female wanted to argue about the door being shut.

    Me: “I’m sorry, you’ll have to wait until they are done.” Lady: “But my team is inside.” Me: “The door needs to stay shut during performance, you’ll have to wait.” Lady: “But my team is inside.” Someone else comes up to the tiny window. Lady (to the stranger): “She won’t let you in.”

    Wow. Ok. Your kid might not have been there, but 10 other kids watched this interaction. They watched someone who didn’t think the rules applied to them get mad about rules. The same person would have been livid if someone just walked in while her kid was performing. It’s rude. Our kids are watching. Always watching. They take cues off others about how to behave. Let’s give them better examples. I’m not perfect. I have my flaws. But, I hope I’m showing my boys how to be kind. The door monitor doesn’t have a problem with you, she’s just trying to help out her team.

    As much as DI teaches life skills, we also teach those skills each day without knowing. On your journey of enough, someone is always watching.

    Peace be with you on your journey of enough.

    What to do or say…

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    When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2014, I had no idea how it would change my life. Writing a Caring Bridge update and then a regular blog has opened me up for questions. I get asked from friends, relatives and acquaintances about how they can help their newly diagnosed cancer friend. I am honored to answer such questions. I know everyone’s journey is different and not everyone appreciates the same things I do. I hope I am able to give some good advice and perhaps spark some joy for those who are traveling a scary path.

    Here are some things I frequently tell people when I’m asked, “what can I do?!”

    Do:

    • Reach out to them in some way.
    • Send a card or note – it doesn’t have to be big. (I kept all of the cards and notes)
      Journals or notebooks are helpful. There are lots of Dr appointments, things to remember or record. They may also want a journal to chronicle their journey.
      Start a meal train to make sure they don’t have to worry about supper.
      Support their family – their spouse/partner or kids. (Take the kids somewhere fun or just drive them to events, if needed.)
      Offer to do their grocery shopping, laundry or cleaning.
      Give some gift cards to the family.
      Offer a massage certificate.
      Tell positive stories about survivors.
      Give a good book, one you’ve enjoyed – it doesn’t need to be new.
      Hug or touch them, if appropriate. Cancer isn’t contagious.
      Pray intentionally for and/or with them.

    Don’t:

    • Don’t tell them stories about people who died. They do not need to know about your neighbor’s aunt who had the same thing and died in 3 weeks.
    • Please don’t ignore them. This is hurtful. The people who left me during cancer were not really my friends.
    • Don’t ask them to “let me know what I can do to help.” They do not need to find a to-do list for you. They are seriously just trying to get by. I know people mean well by this, but it’s one of the least helpful things (in my opinion).
    • Don’t tell them, “I was going to stop by/call/do something etc.” This tells them you thought about it for a minute but you really weren’t worth their time. Sometimes it’s because they wanted to do the perfect or huge thing and didn’t get around to it.
      Please don’t judge how the spend their time or money. You probably don’t know their whole story.
      Don’t look at them like they are about to die. They can see the “oh this must be so difficult” look on your face.
      Don’t tell them it’s karma. (Seriously, someone said this to me.)

    Some people love the word survivor, while others find it annoying. Some choose to go through their journey quietly, not wanting people to know. Everyone is different… but hopefully this gives you some ideas of what helped me. This applies to many situations, not just cancer – anyone who is struggling may benefit from the list above.

    Go write the note, make the call or bring the hot dish. I believe God puts people in our path for a reason, so who am I to argue with that? On your journey of enough, there will be bumps along the way. Hopefully those bumps are also learning experiences and you have someone to love and support you. Peace be with you, and your friend.

    Neo what?

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    Before 2014, I hadn’t heard the word “neoplasm” before. If you would have asked me what it was, I would have assumed it was some kind of science fiction term. I might have thought it had something to do with The Matrix (since Neo was the main character). I never thought it would be part of my permanent record. (My medical record, not my criminal record.)

    Yesterday was my oncology follow up. Every 6 months, I drive back to Fargo to meet with the oncology Dr to see if anything has changed. Before this appointment, I had an MRI, ultrasound and mammogram in Alexandria. A few days after the tests and before the oncology appointment, I skimmed through the test results online looking for key words… “no sign of malignancy,” “benign,” “no abnormalities.” I’m not a doctor, but I know that if you have those 3 tests and there is anything suspicious, they will call you. Since I was reading these results myself, this was also a good sign. I saw nothing that looked concerning.

    A neoplasm is a fancy word for tumor. My medical records will always include “malignant neoplasm of central portion of left female breast.” I will always remember December 2014. The timing of cancer free or survivor vary depending on what you’re talking about. They consider you a survivor when you’re diagnosed… I guess because you’re not dead? That part seemed strange to me. You’re considered cancer free after they remove your tumor. The “5 year mark” for me is based on when I started my hormone suppressing (aka “anti-cancer pills.”) I started those the summer after my hysterectomy, so according to that, I’m at 3 1/2 years. These were all things we discussed at the appointment. Since my side effects are minimal, I will likely stay on this medication for 10 years. The doctor agreed. It was a pretty uneventful appointment, and I am SUPER thankful!

    After I got the “all clear,” I stopped up to see a friend (similar in age) on the oncology floor. He was in for low white counts and infection risk. We talked about somedays. I shared with him my clean bill of health, we talked about how kids process a parent with cancer, and we talked about how this changes you. It’s difficult to describe unless it’s happened to you. Someday we will take the trip. Someday I’ll change jobs. Someday we will start a family (not either of us by the way.. I was just making a point.) Cancer gives you a reminder that we are human. We aren’t meant to walk the earth in the same body forever. We don’t have an unlimited time line. Love, live life and experience it!

    When I read the word neoplasm, my heart stops a little. Perhaps years from now it won’t do that, but for now it still does. It releases a flood of emotions some days, and other days I don’t think about it as much. For today, I will thank the neoplasm for all it has taught me, and be thankful it is gone.

    On your journey of enough, may you be surrounded by people who care about you. Go do one of your somedays & reach out to that person you’ve been “meaning to call.”