Category: Uncategorized

You might know one of the six…

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We were married 7 years before we had kids. That wasn’t the original plan. I didn’t find out I had polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) until a few years after things didn’t just “happen on their own.” At the time, I didn’t know anything about it. I didn’t know the percentage of people who struggle with infertility (one in 6). It wasn’t discussed in our conservative Midwest communities. When people asked, “When are you going to have kids?,” or “Why haven’t you started a family yet?,” we would deflect or make a joke. Instead of crying in the bathroom over their hurtful questions, I wish I would have told them my story. I should have talked about it more. Maybe people would realize how common it is, and how many people are impacted by potential reproductive legislation.

We wanted kids. We wanted a family. We needed a fertility specialist to make that happen. So when I hear of legislation restricting IVF or other fertility treatments, my heart sinks. Those people who already feel disappointed or hopeless may have fewer options. You’re entitled to your beliefs, but keep in mind that legislation may impact someone you love/care about, you just don’t know their story.

Mother’s Day, baptisms and other people’s pregnancies sparked tears, sadness and longing… for several years. I felt alone, depressed and discouraged. There wasn’t a support group, a Facebook group or blog posts discussing infertility. The injections/shots, medications and procedures were not covered by our insurance. Each time before we did get pregnant, it was going to be “the last round.” The financial, emotional and physical toll was just too much. I do not regret it at all.

My sharps container for fertility shots was replaced with one for gestational diabetes, which was replaced with one for type 2 diabetes 16 yrs later. Still no regrets. My cancer may have been caused by birth control, but that medication also made things slightly easier each month. Maybe we just need to change the name to “hormone management.” The cancer may have been caused by fertility treatments and increased hormone levels, yet I have 2 wonderful sons as a result. The cancer may have been caused by microwaved food, microplastics, environmental issues, some genetic marker that didn’t show up, extra weight, not taking care of myself…. and on and on and on. I won’t ever know.

I try to stay away from politics and opinions, but this one hits pretty close to home. Given the upcoming elections, I thought it was important to share my story in a little more detail. I probably won’t change your mind, but maybe I’ll make you think a little. If you made it this far, thanks for listening.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. We could all use a little extra peace at the moment. Please be kind to one another.

I blinked again…

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Myles with Miles Axlerod cake (age 6)
Car show (18)

Our youngest son, Myles recently turned 18. The picture of him with the “Miles cake” from the Cars movie makes me smile. That grin is the best! This time for his birthday, we did some shopping (for suits of course), went to a casino, stopped at MN largest candy store and went to a car show. He starts his senior year in high school soon. Time is flying by. The next year will be filled with nostalgia, grad planning and senior year moments. It won’t be a “typical” senior year since most of his classes will be at the Technical College. He has a world full of options, more skills and talent that he realizes, and a smile that can brighten anyone’s day.

He’s embarking on a road trip soon with a fellow You Tube buddy. Am I nervous about them traveling alone? A little, but I’m more excited for them than anything. I hope that he’s picked up some tips from our previous trips. I hope he listens to his gut, keeps his phone charged and is aware of his surroundings. But mostly, I hope they have fun. I hope they create some core memories & have some amazing videos! They will learn through experience and have some great stories to tell.

I’m certainly not a parenting expert. I’ve made my share of mistakes and have some regrets. I’m thankful for the time spent together and memories made. Roots & wings, right? Boundaries, a safe space and the freedom to experience life. It must be a shocking transition to go from having too many rules to be an independent adult after graduation. I hope I’ve given them a balance.

I blinked again and he’s 18. He works at the coffee shop, has a YouTube channel (The Unspecified Show) & a podcast (Be Unspecified Podcast). He does not know what he wants to do after high school, and that’s ok. Honestly, he should just make something up. It’s really just a conversation starter – it’s not like people follow up with you later to see if you’ve done what you said. Nobody ever asked me if I was a physical therapist (original major in college). Even my degree isn’t related to what I do now.

Anyway, I hope they have a wonderful week long adventure. I can’t wait to hear about it. Peace be with you on your journey of enough. If you’re not able to go on an adventure of your own, check out their videos in a couple of weeks.

Is the grass greener?

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“The grass is always greener on the other side.” Or is it? The local deer aren’t a big fan of the grass in our yard but they do love the hosta! See that one big green leaf in the front? It should all look like that – but instead it is a snack for the deer. We’ve tried to deter them with Irish Spring, hair clippings, cayenne pepper & almost every other home remedy or wives’ tale. Nothing works. They are determined to have the treat. It must be delicious, but I’ll take their word for it.

Why don’t they eat dandelions, clover or those other annoying weeds in my plantings? Could be the same reason I’d rather have a cookie than kale. That would be cool though, if I could teach them to like those pesky weeds instead of my plants. Maybe the deer are just reminding me that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. A new job has me testing my limits. Even though it’s similar, I feel like I’ve been on a very fast roller coaster for the last 1.5 months. Kind of like Space Mountain, twisting and turning in the dark. My self care has been a challenge, hence the lack of writing. I also have to make time to take a lunch break and get up and walk around. While I learn a bunch of new things and get up to speed at work, I have to remember boundaries & breathing. Saying no, not right now is a challenge.

I struggle with the balance between “positive vibes” and “feeling the feels.” If I try to tell myself things are going great, a very large internal voice says (lots of swear words) & “THAT’S NOT TRUE!” So there is a balance between acknowledging that I feel like things are not OK, and not wanting to manifest things “not being ok.” The expectations I have on myself for how quickly I can get up to speed at my new job are completely unrealistic. If someone else told me they expect to remember all of the things, know the new terms, new team members, new countries, etc. all in less than 2 months, I would tell them they are nuts. Yet for some reason I expect myself to, and continually feel “not enough” in soooo many ways. I’m in another season of life where I’d like to be able to put my mind on pause. And/or escape for a while.

I’m an emotional eater. Maybe the deer are also. Maybe they are stressed out by coyotes and bears- so they munch on hosta and eat my bird food. I’m trying to find better things to snack on, but I’m also trying to pick my battles and frankly, sometimes the potato chips win. I get so consumed with the “right way” to handle things, that I forget my unique personality. Right for someone else isn’t always right for me.

I don’t have any great advice. I don’t have any wonderful examples of work/life balance or balance in general. I’m just here to tell you that it’s ok to not be ok. Just don’t give up. Also if you ask me how I am, I will probably tell you I’m fine. I’m not fine, but I’m not giving up. I will still show up for everyone else, and I will preserve as much of my sense of self that I can. I will try to find one good thing each day and little by little, those “good things” will become “great things” and they will multiply.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. If you’re barely hanging on, keep going. You can do it. We both can.

Unconditional

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It’s graduation season, and while I have one more year until my last graduation, I will soon have an 18 year old. For 18 years, we try to control what goes on for our kids. Part of it is due to wanting to keep them safe & healthy. Part of it is trying to steer them in the “right” direction or at least away from harm. Once they graduate, they are often on their own, testing the boundaries themselves. Often times, the kids who had the most controlling parents are the ones who go wild in college. They don’t know how to handle the freedom and autonomy & they try to make up for things they missed in high school.

I was the most wild of the three girls, but I never smoked and was never arrested. I think the only vehicle accident I was in involved a deer. My boys have already both been in car accidents, for various reasons. Accidents happen. We can’t prepare for everything. Our oldest has had his fair share of near death experiences, but hadn’t broken any bones. The youngest broke his leg skiing, but was thankfully ok otherwise. Unconditional love means they will call you when they are in crisis, knowing that you won’t yell but will help them navigate the next steps.

We aren’t perfect parents. What we do though, is love our kids unconditionally. I hope they always know that. I hope they know they are always loved and welcomed regardless of the twists and turns their lives take. (I know there are cases where it is necessary to cut ties due to safety reasons, but hopefully that won’t happen with them.) Many parents kick their kids out at 18 and don’t want them to come back. While I know that they need to learn things on their own, I also know that college, housing and other expenses are way more than when I was 18.

They will likely take very different paths, and that’s ok. They are unique individuals, not carbon copies of us (although some characteristics are unmistakable.) It’s exciting to see where life will take them. I’m happy for the graduates this year and I’m looking forward to next year. Having a senior again will bring another roller coaster of emotions. One thing will remain constant… unconditional love.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you experience unconditional love in your lifetime, either as the giver, recipient or both.

Hummingbird wisdom

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With warmer days and summer just around the corner, the hummingbird feeder came out of the garage. I make my own food for them with 1c water and 1/4c sugar. I put it up after I returned home from a work trip and it only took less than 24 hrs for them to find it. We always see hummingbirds zooming around, and it seems like they don’t stop. Their wings beat at 50-80 times per second while hovering and up to 200 times per second while in flight. (According to Google)

A flock of hummingbirds can be referred to as a bouquet, a glittering, a hover, a shimmer, or a tune. I don’t think I’ve seen a flock of them, but we usually have 2-6 each summer. They even flew to the feeder in the rain.

They do pause. They don’t stop for long, and it seems like they only do it if they feel comfortable/not threatened. They will sit at this feeder and rest. When we had a big cedar shrub near our picture window, I would also see one resting on a branch, tucked back away from the edge. I started a new job on May 1st and I went head first, hummingbird speed into my new position. Trying to soak up the new terms, contact names, locations, products and supply chains has my head spinning a bit. I need to take the hummingbird advice and pause, even for a bit. With evening meetings, I’m trying to be conscious of my time and I’ve been scheduling a pause. It may seem silly but it’s not say to get wrapped up in hummingbird speed and lose track of time. I also need to take time for writing again. It’s helpful in many ways and it’s a tool I use for making me feel more grounded (and productive.)

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. This is your reminder to pause. Oh and if you love the window mounted feeder, I got mine at Fleet Farm.

TGIF…

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I’ve lost track of time, but I’m aware that it’s Friday as I write this. I got a new job (same company), and my last day is April 30. I’ve been training someone new, which requires me to be in the office every day. I had been going to the office 2-3 days/week, but this week it’s been daily. I’m talking/training almost the whole day, which is a departure from what I’m used to. Even when I was going into the office, I wasn’t talking much throughout the day. I’d go in, lead one meeting, listen for a few others and do my work.

I learned/confirmed that my “social battery” needs recharging. I was tired and not wanting to talk when I got home. Every day this week, I just wanted to sit with the cat and be quiet. I was mad at myself for having these feelings. I diminished the impact it had on me. It was such a drastic difference from what I was used to, and it just surprised me how tired I was. How can someone be tired from talking? I literally have a Mass Communication degree.

It’s just a big change and I wasn’t very patient with myself. My friends and sisters helped to remind me that it was a temporary situation. A count down of days helped to put that into perspective. Journaling helped to release some of those thoughts (& so did crying in the shower). Too often we dismiss our own emotions, diminish them or even get mad about them like I did. I struggled with the idea of even writing about this. I know I’m not alone though. I know I’m not the only one to feel overwhelmed by constant talking or too much “people-ing,” and/or the need to feel like you fit in. Even though I’ve been here 7+ years, I felt like the new person or an outsider when I went into the office. Granted, I will be the actual new person on May 1, but that’s to be expected.

So what’s the point? Give yourself the grace that others gave to me this week. Give yourself the space to breathe, to write it out, cry it out, burn some paper, have a pet nap with you, be in nature – whatever you need to keep going.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you have people to cheer you on, but also be your own best cheerleader. You can do it. It might take time. It might take some rests or breaks or cat pets, but you can do it. I believe in you.

Reminders…

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These two pictures hang in my home office. Large enough that they cannot be ignored, they serve as reminders when I feel less than. I’ve needed that reminder quite often lately.

Job searching can be quite a stressful process. Searching, applying, waiting, interviewing, waiting, etc. It’s draining and it’s difficult. Thankfully, I do have a job currently, but I’m looking to expand my role (and income), with the possibility of going back to remote work full time. It sort of feels like real-life “whack-a-mole” or an actual roller coaster. It takes a lot to pick yourself back up and try again. Some positions suggest a masters degree, which is not something I have (& really have no desire to obtain). Going back to school when I’m 50 wasn’t really in the plan. Although, the plan was kind of flimsy and changed 509 times, so I’m sure it will evolve yet again.

I think we could all use reminders. Not just reminders of doctor appointments, project due dates or grocery store list – but positive reminders. I don’t want to stick my head in the sand or in the clouds and be either all “doom & gloom,” or all “sunshine and rainbows,” but reminders are good. You are enough. Be kind. These are reminders in my home office. Visually seeing them makes me say them in my head too. They are another form of validation to help offset some of the negative chatter that goes on in my head. Perhaps I’m not alone.

I started writing this post last week and just didn’t feel like finishing. I wrote a whole page of “I AM” statements because I needed some extra reminding. This week, I got 2 interviews and some renewed confidence. Things can change. “I am open and willing to receive great things,” is another one of my favorite reminders.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. You can use this as your reminder too. You are enough.

Version 5.0???

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I read somewhere recently “there are so many versions of you, that it’s difficult to really say who you are.” There is the version you think you are, but there is the version of you from your coworkers’ perspective. There is the version of you seen at the track meets by other moms when you’re off to the side, and you’re not confident enough to join in their group. There is the version of you for each of your kids – because you were not the same mom for each of them. There is the version of you that met your spouse and the version that exists 30 years later. There is a version your family sees though texts and calls and the filter you let them see. There is the version of you as a customer, a patient, a consumer – in person, on the phone and online.

You get the idea. Lots of you, but which one is it? You’re constantly changing, growing, aging, having new or different experiences, gaining and losing friendships, learning new things, letting go of what no longer serves you. Ask someone to describe you in one word. It’s an interesting experiment. Some may give you a noun (mother/sister/wife/friend), while others will give an adjective relative to feelings (caring/funny/sweet), and others may give you a word describing your appearance (short/curly hair/glasses.) Which one is right? All of them – but just to the person saying it. If someone says I’m fun, that doesn’t automatically make me fun. It makes me realize they think I’m fun, but it still might not convince me (or anyone else) of how fun I am.

Have you ever held onto something you thought about yourself but it no longer applies? Sometimes the familiarity feels comfortable. It’s difficult to release those things and add something new. We often forget that we don’t need to hang onto things that don’t work for us. It’s ok to start something new, to change things up.

You may have heard, “Someone else’s opinion of you is not your problem.” That’s a tough one for me. Especially since it means things are out of my control. It’s even more difficult when it’s someone you love and care about. If someone has spent hours with you, knows your dreams, secrets, skeletons and victories… then they walk away or pull back – it seems like a big rejection. Was I not a good enough friend? What did I do wrong? But perhaps it isn’t something related to you at all – it’s just something they are going through and they need the change.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. You are enough as you are, and yet you are allowed to change as many times as you need to. Don’t give up.

Comfort stars…

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I can’t tell you how many bowls of chicken noodle soup I’ve had in my lifetime, but I can tell you for sure that number of bowls consumed while sick far outweighs the bowls I’ve had when I felt well. From Lipton noodle soup to Campbell’s Chicken & Stars, those were the traditional comfort foods when I had a cold or didn’t feel well. (And of course, some saltine crackers.)

It’s interesting how many emotions can be stirred up by different foods. Often we think of celebrations, traditions, highs or lows. We might be able to remember the sweet or savory tastes and smells while being transported back in time. Having chicken & stars soup tonight made me think of our old green and gold sofa. As I sat on my own gold/yellow sofa, I thought of all of the times my mom made soup for me when I was sick. There may be some negative food related memories, but for me, they were mostly positive.

I had a health coach tell me to remove the emotion from food, and just see it as fuel for the body. I wasn’t very successful with that concept. Even “mindless snacking” is often a form of self soothing/comfort. Sharing food or cooking and baking for someone is often an expression of love. It’s a form of gift giving, by sharing your talents and resources. It’s one of the things that brings me joy. While I don’t necessarily have fancy or expensive taste, I do appreciate good food. I also gravitate to the foods that are tied to a memory of a person or an event.

Now that I’m physically back in the office half of the time, I’m sure my cubicle neighbor thinks a goat moved in next door since I do like to snack. Surprisingly, I think I snacked less when my kitchen was 30 feet from my office. Maybe I’ll incorporate some comfort snacks into my desk drawer stash. For tonight, I’ll have my “comfort stars” in hopes of warding off a cold.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. What are some of your favorite comfort foods? Which ones bring you back to a special birthday or celebration? Do you have a family tradition or a favorite dish your grandma made?

Get Lost…

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Last week, we went on a family vacation. It was spring break for our son and a pause between school activities, so the time was right. I didn’t track how many miles we put on the rental car, but we walked 25-30,000 steps per day. We had great weather despite the forecast and only had rain one day. We went through 4 states: Nevada, Utah, California and Arizona…3 different hotels… 2 time zones, 2 national parks and 1 state park. We didn’t get lost, or at least not so lost that we couldn’t find our way back.

You’ve seen the posts about life being short, “Take the trip,” or “Eat the cake,” or “Use the fancy dishes for a Tuesday.” I tend to not use my fancy dishes mainly because they don’t go in the dishwasher, but I do love cake and I do love to travel. Pro tip: do NOT watch the Boeing documentary and then fly on the exact planes that they talk about in the documentary. It’s a little unsettling. But we made it there and back – no doors or wheels fell off and I am very thankful!

My someday is now. I’m not waiting until I retire to travel and have adventures. I use all of my vacation time each year. I can’t recall a trip or adventure that I regret. Even the ones that were not so good allow me to appreciate the good ones even more. The time we went camping and it was -40 degrees with no running water with only an outhouse and I ended up with influenza…. NOT fun, but memorable! On this trip, we had some very crummy pizza at the Zion lodge for lunch, but it made us super thankful for our amazing pizza at Trevi in the Cesar’s Forum shops Vegas (also get the mozzarella- it is AMAZING!) I don’t think you have to have something bad to appreciate something good, but sometimes the contrast is a good reminder.

We hiked, we saw family, we went to a show, we shopped, rode the bus, we saw breathtaking views and had some great (& some not so great) food. While looking up from the bottom of the canyon in Zion at the massively huge rocks and the waterfalls finding their way down the side, I felt so small. From the top of the rocks looking out over the landscape, I also felt small. From far away, you could see people on the trails who looked like ants, yet you could hear the peaceful rushing water, the bird singing and the sound of the wind through the canyon. It was like a hug from Mother Nature, asking you to pause and take a deep breath. Watching the sun come up over the canyon at just the right time was hard to describe… it was there for an instant with oranges and reds, then the clouds moved in and it was gone. The snow covered peaks now surrounded in clouds as the bright colors muted in the daylight.

I could write a whole chapter on our week long adventure, but I’ll keep this shorter. I agree that life is short. My bonus could have gone to some bills, but instead I traded it for memories. Along the way, we found coins that held meaning – our other son’s birth year and graduation year along with my mom’s birth year, the year I was diagnosed with cancer and some others. Constant reminders of those we love and the things we’ve overcome.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. And, if you do get lost, be sure to find your way back. You’re needed here.