Author: journeyofenough

I am a North Dakota born, small town girl. Wife of a marathon runner, and mother to two wonderful boys. I am also a recent breast cancer survivor. My faith and my family have been important in maintaining a positive attitude throughout this last year. Along my cancer journey, I gained insight and strength and I learned that we are all on a journey. And we all, at times, feel like we are not enough. Join me on my journey to being "enough".

Foundation of trust….

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It’s something I wasn’t fully prepared for – my kids growing up and becoming adults. Sure, it took us a while to have kids, so you’d think I would have had plenty of time to learn these things. I’m not sure anything can fully prepare you… because the journey is not fully up to you.

Your role changes. From an exhausted mom of a newborn to the first day of kindergarten… from their firsts to their lasts. It all zooms by and suddenly you have a young adult. You reach this stage and you’re not their event planner, their driver to practice or their cheerleader at events. You may cheer them on from a distance but it’s certainly not the same. They may ask for advice, but the decisions are now up to them. Hopefully you’re still a safe place, a feeling of home, a reminder of how much they are loved. It’s a foundation of trust.

Our oldest son moved 900 miles away – from MN to MT. He got his welding degree when he was still in high school, but decided he wanted to go to college to be an Ag Ed teacher. So, we supported his decision and his move. He loves the outdoors and the adventure, but school was a struggle. He realized that getting a degree, to wind up in debt and make less than he would as a welder was not the path for him. So, after one semester, he withdrew to weld full time. There was a lot of logistics and navigating that had to happen in order for all of this to fall into place. While it was my strong desire to fix and manage things, I let him lead. I helped where I could, but he did a good job.

I feel like a weight is lifted off of his shoulders, but perhaps another one was added. Will he stay in the same job or the same place? Who knows. I’m proud of him and love him. I read a parenting article where the mom felt like a college transfer was a failure on her part, and I thought, “Wow, that’s a heavy burden.” I do NOT feel like my son dropping out was a failure at all. I do not feel like it was a failure on his part nor mine. I’m super proud of him for not getting into very large debt that would take years to try and recover from. I’m proud of him for doing what he loves, for finding a place to live, and for learning to budget. I know he will continue to have changes and struggles, opportunities and victories. I’ll be cheering him along every step of the way, even though we are miles apart.

There is a lot of pressure to have your life figured out at 18/19 years old. I wish there wasn’t. I wish we had more grace with these kids and they had more with themselves. I wish they could look in the mirror and see how great they are. I wish they would all know they have a place in this world. I wish they would have a foundation of trust for themselves and be trusted by others.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Trust in yourself and your path. You are here for a reason!

Not too much…

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I saw this picture on Monday & instantly thought, “Yes! This is it!” While I often write about not being enough, there have been plenty of times when I’ve been considered “too much.” Too dramatic, too emotional, too obsessed, too hard, too soft, too opinionated, too heavy, too introverted, too quiet, too eccentric, too stubborn… While it’s easy to say “those aren’t your people,” sometimes that is hard to accept. Those people may be your friends or relatives, your co-workers or even yourself. What?! Me?! I’m too much for me?!

I can’t be the only one who has felt this way. Self acceptance is a tough one for me. I may assume people think I’m too much, when actually I’m just projecting my own thoughts. Whew, that’s a heavy burden. If I’m “too much” for myself, how do I show up for others? Insecure, doubting, not fully trusting… I’ve read books, been to counseling, tried medications, yet if I’m fully honest, I still struggle with being too much for myself and not accepting who I am.

The thing is, this is not a “one and done” type of thing – like work on it a little and you’re good for life? No. It’s an ongoing challenge. Self acceptance seems life a life long process. I need to heed my own advice. I need to show my kids that they are also not too much. Each of them has their own strengths and I want them to be proud of their uniqueness. We weren’t meant to all be the same.

While my crown may be a baseball hat instead of a crown, I’ll straighten it up and remind myself that I am not too much. And I’ll have to do it again tomorrow. Not too much, not “not enough”… but just right for today.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. You’re just right & you’re here for a reason. Have some fun while you’re at it!

Trust…

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Florida in January

My friend said she was having some serious trust issues. She was having a hard time imagining 80 degree temperature difference. She was going to be traveling to Florida from Minnesota, in January. Packing for a trip when temp is 6 degrees below zero, trusting it will be above zero (let alone 75) when she gets off a plane 3 hours later was a challenge. She wanted to pack her flannel and fuzzy socks, but was trying to trust the weather in Florida being much warmer. As I went to visit my chickens today, I found myself wondering why I live where it’s so cold. I’m sure I’d be tempted to pack some flannel too!

How often do we struggle to trust beyond our current reality? Do you trust the change you’re going through will have a better result? Are you able to see the vision/goal, or is it difficult to imagine? How challenging is it to have faith in the unknown?

If we really think about it, we are trusting every day. We trust our vehicles to safely get us to our destination. We trust our kids to be good in school. Employers trust employees to do their jobs. But there is more to trust than the physical stuff. That gut feeling. You know the one? Something just “feels” like it might be wrong or it feels like we should take a certain path. Do you trust your gut? Doing so means you have to pay more attention to what’s going on instead of running on auto pilot. Trusting your gut is an intentional pause. It’s recognizing the feeling and following it. Practice it for a while and see how reliable it is… you may be pleasantly surprised.

Five months ago was one of the biggest tests of trust for me. I drove my oldest son to Montana, trusting he would do ok on his own. I trusted him to make decisions he had never made before. I trusted that he would eat a vegetable now and then, do his own laundry and manage his money. Some things went better than others. But I also had to trust myself – trust that I (we) gave him a good foundation to get started. I had to trust that the mistakes he did make would be ones he learned from. Sometimes the struggle makes you appreciate the good times, but as a parent, it’s difficult to see your kids struggle. When you love them and want the best for them, it’s hard to trust that it will all work out. But then it does, and you realize it will be ok.

Whether you’re deciding if you should pack shorts for your trip, what your next career path should be or if you should schedule the dentist appointment, just trust. If it doesn’t go the way you thought, maybe there is something better planned.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. We only get one life at a time… live your best one. Pack sunscreen instead of mittens and you’ll be ok. (Unless you’re visiting Mn, then the mittens are a must!)

The Windy City…

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I was born and raised in North Dakota. If you live there, you know how flat the Red River Valley is. It’s not a valley with mountains or even hills along side… it’s flat as a pancake with very few trees. When the wind blows, there isn’t much to stop it. When we lived there, our patio faced north, which is where the wind comes from 90% of the time in the winter. It would be 10-20 degrees cooler by the patio door when it was storming.

Five years ago, we moved to Minnesota, and I sometimes forget about the ND wind. We have trees and hills to slow down the wind. People here don’t know the dread of an “east/west road” in the winter (when the wind blows from the north, the east and west roads are the worst because the snow accumulates.) Growing up, I remember hearing about Chicago being “The Windy City.” I thought they must not be able to stand the winters if it’s more windy than ND. But Chicago’s nickname didn’t come from actual wind. The name came from politics.

In 1893, Charles A. Dana, an editor of the “New York Sun,” published an editorial calling Chicago a “windy city.” He did so in reference to the city’s full-of-hot air politicians who were advocating and wooing organizers to hold the 1893 World’s Columbian Exposition in the city instead of in New York.Aug 8, 2020.

I skipped last week’s post because we were in “The Windy City.” Our youngest son is a fan of The Office TV show. Even though it’s been years since it first aired, he has watched the reruns and has seen it very show (more than once). I stumbled across some info about The Office Experience opening in Chicago and thought it would make a great Christmas gift. So I planned our road trip to Chicago, starting it off with The Office Experience. It was a hit. We all enjoyed seeing the TV props, sitting at their desks, winding our way through the trivia, pictures and set replicas.

We toured the aquarium, the Field Museum, the Museum of Science & Industry, saw the Blue Man Group, went to the top of the Willis Tower at night and to the top of John Hancock building in the morning. We saw “the bean” at night and the reflection of the city was amazing. We did a lot of walking and took several Uber rides (those were interesting!) We had sleet & snow one day and ended up soaked after our walk. We had some great food and stayed on The Miracle Mile. I also forgot our Norwex masks so we had to use what we had in the car & I only had 2 Norwex, so Cam got to wear the floral. I also forgot my tennis shoes, so I walked 10+ miles a day in my snow boots. We had to alter our plans a couple of times, but it all worked out. The Chicago City pass is a great savings, but the art museum isn’t open every day and the Conservatory has a capacity limit. The pass also lets you into addition exhibits or movies at most venues. We skipped the “stand on plexiglass and see the city below you.” We were out of town before New Years Eve festivities began.

This was probably our first trip without Dallas. He was working over the holiday break so he didn’t join us in the Windy City. Life is short, we’re taking the trip. My trip planning used to include spreadsheets and binders of info (ask my uncle!!) Now, I do most of the planning on my phone, use hotel apps and Google to find info, and I’m a little more flexible than before.

I wish your peace on your journey of enough. I know not everyone was able to be with family over the holidays or perhaps it was just different from years past. May the spirit of Christmas be with you year round.

Love and light…

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My heart was heavy today as a dear friend was air lifted to another hospital. She is in a medically induced coma and on a ventilator. It’s never a good time for this, but it’s 10 days before Christmas Eve. Whenever anyone is struggling or hurting, she always sends prayers of love and light. This time she is the one in need of the prayers.

She is a beautiful, radiant woman with a heart larger than most people can comprehend. She has an angelic and comforting aura. She believes in the power of prayer, the presence of angels and the benefit of a good hug. We had to drive 200 miles away to find out that we lived in the same area. We met on a retreat and have been friends ever since.

Today, I lit some candles for her and said many prayers… prayers for complete and total healing, prayers for her family, prayers for her care team. It’s a helpless feeling when you can’t make someone better – it’s out of my hands, out of my control. All I can do is pray for her and offer assistance for her family. When one person is sick, it throws the rhythm off of the whole family. She is for sure an orchestra leader, like many moms. She needs our prayers and some help with the baton while her body rests and heals.

I don’t have an inspirational message this week. I don’t have a quirky story or a picture of my chickens. Instead, I have a request… I ask you to say a prayer for my friend, and any who are struggling right now. If you’re not one who prays, think loving/caring thoughts and fully healed lungs.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. Take a big deep breath for those who cannot & give your loved ones an extra squeeze.

When life gives you a billboard sign…

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Sometimes I forget to pause. I get so busy with work, kids’ stuff, planning, cooking, folding, running that I forget to pause. Anyone else? I’m always planning ahead (at work and at life). I take for granted unlimited tomorrow’s and keep thinking about what we will do for the weekend, when we will travel for the holidays, what I have left to do, to bake, to clean, to wrap etc.

Then I get a sign as big as a billboard “Slow Down!” I got my booster shot on Friday, and had plans to clean, get the rest of the Christmas stuff up, and do some baking over the weekend. None of that happened. I rested. A lot. It took until Monday around 4pm before I felt human again. I feel like I lost 2 weeks in just a weekend. But you know what? Work got along fine without me for a day. My family didn’t go hungry and the baking can wait for another day.

Every now and then, if I don’t take time to rest, my body forces me to. This time, I tried not to fight it. It’s frustrating as a “control freak” to have to rest. It feels so unproductive to not be doing/planning/running. My spouse values work. Yep But rest is necessary. We get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, we sometimes forget to enjoy it. This year, we had one less son helping with the tree. He will be working most of break, so I hope to enjoy the time we have together.

My holiday cards aren’t ordered yet and I’m contemplating not doing them at all. Most of the people I send to have already seen my pictures on Facebook and we never got family pictures taken. Maybe New Year cards will be better. We’ll see. We have the same number of days in December as we always do. I hope you’re able to find the time to rest a little too before your body screams to “Slow Down!”

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Wishing you a peaceful holiday season, abundant health and good holiday cheer. Thanks for being with me on my journey!

Lucky 7…

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Lucky 7? Lucky might not be the right word. 7 years ago, I went in for a routine mammogram, just after my 41st birthday. You don’t want them to call after a mammogram, but they called. “We need you to come in for an ultrasound so we can see things better. I’m sure it’s fine…” (Awkward ultrasound with small talk.) “It’s probably just a cyst or dense tissue. You’re young. Don’t worry.” Went back to work, attempted not to worry. Didn’t tell many people about the appointment or concerns.

My memory is a little foggy from 7 years ago but I’m pretty sure they did an MRI then biopsy. “We are going to need you to come in for an MRI. It’s probably dense tissue but we need to make sure.” The machine was cold and hard (laying on my stomach), it made whirrs and clicks for a long time. It showed 2 areas of concern instead of 1. Biopsy confirmed stage 1 for one spot and pre-cancer for the other. Invasive ductal carcinoma. Later tests would reveal it was estrogen/progesterone positive, not genetically related.

7 years ago, I had 16 appointments for the month of December alone. I struggled to say the words out loud. “I have cancer.” 7 years ago, my world flipped upside down. 7 years ago began the waiting, genetic testing, waiting, lumpectomy & lymph node removal, waiting, tumor classification, waiting, radiation, waiting, (broken foot- not related), hysterectomy & healing. 7 years ago, I was lucky we found it early. (Until my son researched and found out that early stages often have recurrence.) So far, I have been cancer free for 6.5 years. I’m getting closer to the 10 year mark.

So why keep bringing it up? It doesn’t completely go away for me. I’m healed, right? I’m good now. I’m ok. It doesn’t define me but it did reshape me in more ways than one. It also makes me more keenly aware of health issues. Which makes me feel like a hypochondriac. In the back of my mind I wonder what the ailment means, yet trying to reinforce that I’m healthy. I didn’t know I had a tumor growing when I went in 7 years ago. That part always kind of gets to me. I still think we need to be advocates for our own health. It’s unfortunate when people get ignored.

I dealt with a lot of guilt around it. Guilt for how I handled things with my kids, my husband, my family & my friends. Guilt about extra weight that increased my risks… guilt about the time I spent away from work.. guilt about the time my mind spent away from work while I was physically there… guilt for the birth control (increased risks), guilt for the fertility treatments (even though they said that wasn’t a factor), then guilt for that also because I wouldn’t change a thing to have my two boys. Guilt that I didn’t have enough saved to cover cancer treatment. Later came survivor guilt – when I met other young women with cancer, with families, with loved ones they soon left behind.

We all have our own journey. Mine included cancer. The cancer that made me appreciate things more, the cancer that made me a little more spontaneous, the cancer that connected me to a bunch of strangers, the cancer that brought me back to writing. We never know all of what someone else goes through. There is usually more to the story & it’s not always one they want to share.

As I savor the pumpkin cheesecake from my 48th birthday, I wish you peace on your journey of enough. I’ll be reflecting on the last 7 years, thankful to be able to share my journey. Thankful for another birthday.

Nostalgia, like a warm hug…

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I skipped writing last week. Sorry if you were looking for it. I’ve still been struggling with some things. Here I am this week though, ready to go. By the time I post this, I will be traveling to Montana. I’m so excited to go back to Bozeman for Thanksgiving. I’m also thankful for a friend willing to check on the chickens and cat, thankful I remembered to hold the mail and thankful for a Nest camera to keep an eye on things at home.

As I was in Target on Sunday, I walked by the hats and gloves and had to do a double take. This hat instantly reminded me of my grandma and the crochet turtles she made for all of the grandkids. Now this same pattern is in a hat and a headband. It isn’t the olive green, gold and autumn orange colors, but it’s the same pattern. She made pillow turtles for all of us. It was a backrest for Saturday morning cartoons or a pretend horse, depending on the day.

The old is new again. I’ve seen it many times. “Mom jeans” becoming cool again. The acid washed jeans, folded & rolled ankle … I’m waiting for the stirrup pants to return too. (Although I don’t think I’d jump on that trend) I’m not sure why the style trends rotate back around. Some of these are likely nostalgic – maybe a designer also had a “Grandma U” and they wanted to remember her.

Why do these things make us smile, make us feel comforted, like a warm hug? It reminds us of a happy time or of a loved one who has passed. As we approach the holidays, food often triggers a memory also. I remember my grandma B’s gingersnaps, not much larger than a half dollar coin. I remember my uncle playing guitar and my one cousin with a Christmas birthday. I remember finding my grandmas Siamese cat hiding from the visitors. I remember my grandma U’s “Christmas dessert.” I remember the house filled with laughter and games. I remember decorating sugar cookies in our farm house kitchen, a tradition that I’ve continued with my kids. I remember the molasses spritz cookies, still requested this year. Our Angel tree topper was made by my grandma. Some things make us smile and other times we might scratch our heads.

While I may not jump on board the acid washed jeans trend, some of these old things becoming new brings a sense of comfort. I’m instantly transported to those memorable events. I may not remember what I received as gifts each year, but I will remember the laughs, games and food of the holidays.

Wherever your holidays take you, I hope you’re able to have a hug of nostalgia. I hope you’re able to pause and think of all you have to be thankful for. May peace be with you on your journey of enough. I’m thankful for all of you who take the time to read and/or share my posts.

What did you say?

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I was at a loss. What do I write about this week? Last week, my post got more views and comments than I’ve had in a while. Which is awesome, but sad because of the topic and so many others feeling overwhelmed and alone. Also, it makes me question myself, wondering “will my words this week be enough?”

So I went back to a suggestion from a cousin of mine about listening. In response to a post about using your voice, she suggested writing something about the value of listening. I thought this was good and probably relevant to my previous post.

Silence often makes us uncomfortable. If there is a pause in the conversation, people tend to want to fill it with words… any kind of words. Sometimes when someone is talking, the other person is only thinking about what they will say next. They may be trying to come up with the perfect solution, “one up” the person talking, or even thinking of how to change the conversation topic. It happens a lot – people will get interrupted by being talked over. It makes them feel like their view or story is not important.

Remember the telephone game when you were a kid? This is how I remember it: A row of people would be lined up. At one end, a teacher whispered a sentence. That person whispered it to the next, they relayed to the next… and so on, until it came to the last person. They said the sentence out loud and it was completely different from what it started as. The point was to show how gossip and rumors change as the story gets passed to different people. Was everyone really listening or did they just hear what they wanted to hear? Or was their mind racing with what they could add? I think if you tried it now, kids might try to bend the story on purpose, but who knows?

In some of the groups I’m in, they talk about holding space for someone. I feel like it’s the ultimate expression of listening and compassion. Holding space means listening without trying to fix. Acknowledging the person and their story, but not talking over it or trying to change it. It also means you’re not playing “the telephone game” and telling everyone else. Instead, you’re praying for or with them, asking for things to work out for their highest good. You’re giving them a space to be themselves, feel their feelings, and be heard. (Just don’t absorb their story, it’s not yours to hold onto.)

Want to talk to someone who will listen and won’t interrupt you? Talk to a higher power – God, Mother Nature or the universe, whatever you connect with. Or, talk with a loved one who has passed. It’s an amazing feeling when you can sense their spirit with you. They may have shed their earthly body, but their spirit is still alive. It’s something we forget about, but it can be helpful and healing… and most of the time they don’t talk back.

I remember growing up in a small town in ND. Our Lutheran Church had a thing called “Junior Lutherans.” I’m not sure what the point of it was, it was different from Sunday School. I remember two older ladies who had either never married or were widows, would lead us in songs. One of them was “What a Friend We Have in Jesus.” I can still hear their shaking voices and picture their small stature and blue-grey hair. I think I could recite the songs still, but if you’re not familiar, here are the words:

What a Friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer! 2Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged,
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful
Who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness,
Take it to the Lord in prayer. 3Are we weak and heavy-laden,
Cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge—
Take it to the Lord in prayer;
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer;
In His arms He’ll take and shield thee,
Thou wilt find a solace there.

We all need to feel seen and heard, even if we don’t like the attention. We also need to be able to listen. Really listen. I hope you’re able to have someone who really listens, and to be the same for someone else. And, know that you can always take it to the Lord in prayer. He’s not too busy and he doesn’t have a cell phone to distract him.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. May you really listen to someone this week. Also, listen to nature and the changing seasons upon us. The leaves crunching beneath our feet will soon be covered with a blanket of snow. There is peace in the stillness.

I just couldn’t…

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I missed my blog post Tuesday yesterday. I don’t get paid for this or have an editor to report to, it’s a self imposed timeline. I just couldn’t. Some things happened in the last week or so that were a bit triggering for me and I needed to take some time. It didn’t feel authentic to write about the beautiful fall weather when I was feeling down. I still don’t feel like Mary Sunshine but I’m taking steps forward and that’s a good thing.

I took a walk at lunch down to the dam. Breathing in the crisp fall air, hearing the leaves crunch below me, the squirrels gathering nuts for winter and the soothing sound of the water trickling down the rocks was just what I needed. It was part of what I needed. I also needed to be open/honest, but how much do I share? It didn’t seem right to spill everything out to anyone when I haven’t expressed things to my friends, family, co-workers etc.

In the past year, I can’t tell you how many times I have felt like a failure. It’s a lot. Of course I wouldn’t call anyone else a failure for similar things, but this is how my mind works. Messy house = I fail at keeping it tidy. Extra weight = I fail at eating healthy. Anxiety = I fail at doing the things that keep me balanced. Too much debt = I fail at managing money. Son struggling with money management = I didn’t model it well or work with him enough. Depression = I have too much to be thankful for to be depressed. Communication issues = I’m a bad wife/mother. Stack of unsold books = I fail at promoting myself. Cat sickness = I fail at being a good cat mom.

Unfortunately this list could go on. You get the idea. Our church is starting a worship series about the perfect family. Spoiler alert – there isn’t one. We all have issues, history, skeletons in the closet, you name it. The picture perfect “social media worthy” photos don’t tell the whole story. Sometimes we reach out and don’t find the help we thought we’d find. Sometimes we reach out to someone else who seems to struggle, but they don’t want our help. It can be so hard, yet we don’t talk about it. We don’t allow ourselves a bad day.

Then, on my way back home, I spotted a penny. I always pick them up, smile and say “thank you.” It’s usually a message to remind me that I’m not alone. The year often means something also… the year on this one? The year my husband graduated high school. Yep, I’m not alone. Neither are you. Sure, life can feel lonely at times, but we aren’t alone. Someone cares for you. If it doesn’t feel like it right now, reach out. You might be surprised in a good way. Perhaps your circle needs to change if those people aren’t supporting you in good times and tough times. Everyone experiences ebbs and flows.

I wish you peace on your journey of enough. If you feel like you “just can’t,” reach out… get support…allow yourself to pause.