Ok, I may be a little too into the HR fandom, but this quote did make me think of something relevant. I know it’s been a while since I wrote an update, and I figured it was about time. I used to be very good about writing every Tuesday. Then I realized it was a self imposed “rule” that sometimes caused too much stress (& I developed an even greater paranoia of someone not enjoying it), so I stopped. I pulled back and just didn’t write, I didn’t post… instead though, I did kind of end up spiraling. Unfortunately, more than once. Work stuff, family stuff, health stuff & general anxiety became too much sometimes. I felt alone, ashamed of not being able to pull myself together. I’m the fixer, the planner. I’m supposed to be an adult … and a parent and a spouse and a good worker/daughter/sister/friend. I’m not supposed to be the one teetering on the edge, and finding myself in an existential crisis more than once.

So who is the liar? The damn voice in my head, but also me. I’ve done some therapy/counseling before and to be honest, a lot of the times, I have lied. I’ve told them what I thought they wanted to hear. I’ve told them what I thought the best answer was. Maybe if I have a good answer, I would feel good enough. Not broken. Not ashamed. Not less. But it doesn’t work that way. Turns out, it’s not helpful to do that. (Shocker, right?) The surface level answers only go so far. They don’t help with healing. Lying to them is also lying to myself.

I’m slowly learning that my brain might not function like a “normal person.” (If there is such a thing.) There is rarely a peaceful calm, an off switch or a pause. There is a constant narrative of a story, a song in the background, multiple “to do” lists, the constant running tally of how many times I’ve let myself or others down, the replays of failures & conversations I wish I would have handled differently. Parts of me that were quirky have morphed and changed, and some of the parts I don’t like sometimes take over. It can feel like running away or hiding or speaking up when I should be silent or being silent when I should speak. It feels like I’m failing at life some days. Too many days. No amount of thinking positively seems like enough. The bully that lives in my head tries to take the steering wheel instead of staying shoved in the trunk.

We see the curated side of people, but it’s not always the real person. We put on masks to show what we think people will want to see. What will be acceptable and good. The true version of me includes a whole lot more swearing, movie quotes and inappropriate comments. The more I’ve learned about masking, the more I realized that I try to adapt to the people around me so I might fit in. Maybe one of the reasons that my close circle is small is that too many adaptations become difficult to maintain. Which version is good enough today? It’s exhausting, and not sustainable. But it’s also lonely and frustrating.

Just when I think I’m getting things together, something else fractures and I’m starting over. New path. New timeline. Try again. Chipping away at a boulder while also trying to rebuild it into something beautiful (while juggling flaming bowling pins and dodging arrows.) It feels like acknowledging that I’m not doing well means I’m manifesting more of not doing well. And so the spiral goes. Don’t forget the guilt that comes along with all of it because my problems aren’t that bad and what do I have to complain about? Just suck it up and deal with it.

I need a factory reset button or something. My mind says nobody wants to hear about that version of me. The true version of me has changed so much over the years, I don’t even know what she looks like anymore. I know that too often, if I do spill my feelings, people may listen, but few will do the same with me. Like I’ve not created a safe enough space for that to happen… for them to be vulnerable. Feels like failure then makes me feel bad for dumping my problems or feelings on them.

So what am I going to do about it? There is a problem, so what’s the solution? I’m not going to make a fishbone diagram or make a chart. I’m going to read this book & try to ignore the gremlin on the front because it’s visually disturbing. Going to hug more because it’s ok and safe for me to be comforted and loved. I’m going to keep my counseling appointment and schedule follow ups. I’m going to be honest. I’m going to talk to my boss about the work stress side of things and try not to overshare on the personal side, but also let them be aware of what’s going on. I feel like there is a difference between someone who just doesn’t give a crap about work and someone who cares too much that they’re stuck in a decision paralysis all while having mini break downs, even though they just want to do a good job. Work/life balance is such a cliche, but still feels like a helpful aspect of getting back towards normal instead of riding a roller coaster that may go under water at any time, while blindfolded.

If you stayed this long, thanks for reading. Again, this is me spilling my thoughts out in hopes that one person reads it and thinks, “Well I guess I’m not alone.” Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Not sure we will ever get there but it’s worth a try!