I had a lightbulb moment. (A little background first.) I was born in 73, so I’m Gen X. I grew up with Happy Days, Little House, cartoons only on Saturday mornings and no cable TV. There were two things from early TV that really freaked me out and I’m glad I have not encountered either: 1) Randomly going blind, thanks to Little House, 2) Quicksand.

I’ve seen people talking about how they thought they’d have more quicksand experiences than they have had. Then it dawned on me – we are encountering quicksand, but not in a physical sense. People with anxiety (maybe depression or ADHD also) experience quicksand daily – it feels like you’re trapped… unable to climb out or move forward. The more you struggle to get free, the worse it gets. Your feet cannot find firm ground and you begin to panic. You reach out, but nobody can hear your screams. (Usually at this point in the TV show, a dog shows up and pulls you out with a stick or something realistic like that).

I’m looking for the dog with the stick, or a stray horse with a rope, but my voice has been silent. Stuck in survival mode, I stopped writing as a self preservation tool – thinking my words were meaningless, so why bother. What if the words are my rope, helping me to slowly pull myself out of the quicksand and take a deep breath? What if I’m supposed to share my story to give strength to others instead of sinking deeper into the crippling sand?

Fear of rejection has held me back so many times. What if I open up and people pull away or think less of me? It has happened before. Usually I’m quiet, unless I feel comfortable sharing, then I end up over sharing and pushing people away. So I end up sinking deeper into the sand.

I have 25 tabs open in my brain, there is a song playing on repeat, 85 lists to do/remember, and a constant feeling of not doing enough or being good enough. Corporate culture perpetuates this by giving “meets expectations” every year for performance results. My head hears, “barely good enough, not exceptional,” despite continued results and extra time and effort.

I’m sure by this paragraph, you’re probably looking for a point, a ray of hope, or a solution of what I’ve done to turn my life around. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I’m holding on, some days better than others. I feel guilt and shame for my feelings, although I would never feel the same about someone else going through their own quicksand or cocoon phase. I guess my point is, that you’re not alone. If you’re going through something similar, hang on. Like the cat clinging to the tree branch on the poster in the dentist office, “hang in there.”

Peace be with you on your journey of enough. Let’s get out of our quicksand together.