I was scrolling through my phone at lunch and found someone talking about ADHD traits and one of them had to do with “closed loop.” (Pasha Marlowe) Summary is that people with ADHD need to close the loop on a conversation because having it open just means they will keep thinking about it. This got me thinking about the hundreds of half conversations or thoughts in my head. I imagined them looking like colorful half loops – almost a spaghetti diagram (work/manufacturing related)… so that’s what I made. The above picture is just a fraction of what was running through my mind at the time. I did not include work related things, so this is just the “non work” side of my brain. Just a part of it. It’s pretty and exhausting and incomplete.

I found every color of pen I had and started making half loops of current thoughts. “What are you doing?,” my husband asked. I kept going until I used every color once, then I decided I could use it more than once because I wasn’t nearly done and it was looking neat. I look the paper outside and set it in the grass. I needed to actually touch grass today. I needed to ground myself because my head was spinning like the picture and the work diagram would have been even larger, had I written that one out.

“Circle back around” is a phrase used especially in corporate America and has become kind of a joke or cliche. When Pasha was talking about how ADHD people need to close those loops, I had an “Ah ha” moment. Yep, that’s me. I want to be able to check the box, cross the thing off the list or put the issue to rest, and if there is a lingering open loop that won’t happen.

I am not a medical professional, doctor or therapist, but I’ve found it interesting to learn more about ADHD in women and how high-functioning women often go undiagnosed. They mask their true selves so much that they don’t even really know who they are. They become a different person for every situation. They read the energy of the room and adjust accordingly. Sometimes they can misjudge and if they get it wrong they will dwell on that mistake for a while.

Growing up, ADHD was something only hyper boys had. There isn’t more ADHD/Autism because of external factors, but because we are understanding more about it (my opinion). It makes me sad that there is a push to stigmatize it again and also to reduce the research and education associated with it. I’m scared to get tested but I also probably know the answer.

I don’t have a solution. Just be patient with me if I ask questions or need to circle back around. I may get to a point where I just need to be quiet and not talk, or I may just spill all the things at once. Until then, I’ll be on my colorful looping spaghetti diagrams, feeling like I’m on the “sit & spin” and hoping for a pause.

Peace be with you on your journey of enough.