I looked back at my published posts, and I haven’t written since August. I have drafts, but never published. I have things started, but lacked the confidence. Where do I begin? What do I explain? It’s been so long.

But as I was walking to the mailbox in the rain, a whole series of paragraphs flooded my mind. And, I decided it was time. Ready or not.

I made cookies for my husband’s birthday. I’ve made cakes or lemon bars in the past, but raisin cookies are his favorite. The smell of cinnamon and nutmeg filled the house and I started thinking about cookies, and how they mean something different to me than they do to most people.

Most people probably don’t think much about them. But when I think about cookies, I have a mix of emotions & memories. I remember baking cookies with my mom. I remember the special mixing fork she used (never a stand/hand mixer), the homemade frosting for sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies with walnuts and without, tiny gingersnaps and the people we shared them with. I remember all of the times my boys stood on a chair with their tiny aprons, helping to mix cookies, sneaking a bite of dough, dumping a whole container of sprinkles, decorating sugar cookies and saving some chocolate chips off to the side.

Cookies bring me joy. They are like a hug in the form of a treat. I’d bake when I was frustrated, as a way to calm down. I’d bake to bring treats for the kids or to a friend. As the years passed, the boys learned to bake on their own too. Last year, Myles made almost all of the treats for the Farmer’s Market. Dallas has made brownies and pies, much to the surprise of his roommates.

Cookies also bring me guilt & shame. As a T2 diabetic, I know I shouldn’t be eating them. The lower sugar or artificial sugar ones just don’t taste the same. I think I’ve only made cookies once since Christmas, so I cannot blame them on my weight. And my blood sugar has stayed remarkably “in range” despite the added pounds. I’m not exactly sure how to get past the guilt part. It’s a work in progress. Maybe I just need to focus on the joy that they bring to me and to others.

My fresh start is to get back to writing. Even for a brief while… if nothing else, just for me. It’s not something that will bring me fame or fortune, just peace. And I will probably have a cookie with my coffee.